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You Can Put Lipstick on a Pig…

smiling pigHere, for your enjoyment, are some examples of  how agents tried to “Put Lipstick on A Pig” and still ended up with an oinker. Happy Forth of July (and especially to Herb – the pig introduced in this blog):

You Can’t Dress This Up

“Herbs bed in front of shed” (Herb’s wife behind shotgun)

“Enjoy firewoks from the upper deck” (This agent woks on hot coals for his clients)

“Weeping Widow behind garage” (Weeping Herb hiding behind widow.)

“Lush ghetto with squirting waterfalls” (A property for drunks with bladder problems)

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“Floating starecase” (I see dead people.)

“Protruding rock front” (A hard set of hooters)

“Yard w/ shed & big dick area” (Herb’s yard – he has delusions of  glandular.)

And For the Law Breakers

“Tenants on short leash” (Landlord in County Lockup)

“Cranked windows” (And a cranked agent.)

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“Trees and pot included” (Bong negotiable)

“Large shooting rage” (20 agents on an L.A. Freeway)

“Mate with cherry” (Back off, Herb – you’re in enough trouble.)

Another Shade of Lipstick

“Crepe Cod Home” (A French take on an American classic)

“Double pained French doors” (Yeah, the French are a pain to all of us.)

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“Friendly neighbor on one side” (France on the other.)

“Call for Cod. Must Sell Now” (Sushi to die for)

“Dagwood trees” (And Blondie wood floors?)

“Moosaic pattern in entry” (Oh give me a home, where the Guernseys roam…)

“Boat doc needs wood support” (When a jock strap just won’t do…)

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“Outdoor girll excluded” (But we’ll throw in Herb for free.)

“Windows with decorative red shitters” (Someone should see a doctor about that…)


“Crassman home” (A home that’s rough around the edges)

“Top grade imported plant floors” (Pass the bong.)

“House in the heat of Studo City, CA” (Yeah, I’m hot just thinking about it.)

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“Popular style Archertecher” (I love his Fish n Chips.)

“Long drive with apple parking” (This agent was sauced.)

“Quayle hunting area” (A popular activity with Hoosier Democrats.)

“Owner wants to stray.” (Get a pre-nup and a shotgun.)

And This Week’s Favorite:

“A little fluff is all this needs” (Apparently that’s what Herb said to his wife.)

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Thanks to all who contributed from all over the country. Special thanks to my colleagues and friends at Sotheby’s International Realty, Coldwell Banker, and the MLS for their unwitting contributions.

Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Joe Loomer

    July 3, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Well Gwen – you’ve made the start of my Independence Day weekend a hoot.

    Excuse me while I go change my shorts, fer chrissake….

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  2. Gwen Banta

    July 3, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    Have a great holiday, Joe – your new Jockeys are in the mail (they have little pink kisses all over them).

  3. Jim Little

    July 3, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    You often see posts on activerain and other sites about the “spelling/grammar police” . The tone of these posts is always “what difference, why does it matter?” .

    This post illustrates why it matters. Agents, do you want your clients thinking you are ignorant or illiterate? Would you want one of these agents to write your contract?

  4. Gwen Banta

    July 3, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    Good point, Jim. I would not want an agent selling my house if I questioned his/her literacy. Lord knows, they mih\ght think “escrow” is a bird in Mexico.

  5. Fred

    July 4, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    I can’t stop laughing!!! 🙂

  6. Gwen Banta

    July 4, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Thanks, Fred. Who knew the MLS was so entertaining?

  7. Marie Kratsios

    July 21, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    Should be required reading for all new agents! (My poor husband doesn’t understand why I enjoy being on the computer so much.)

  8. Gwen Banta

    July 21, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    I heard a great one from a reader today – “Walking Closets.” That’s as good as “Sleeping Views”!

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