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You Can Put Lipstick on a Pig…



smiling pigHere, for your enjoyment, are some examples of  how agents tried to “Put Lipstick on A Pig” and still ended up with an oinker. Happy Forth of July (and especially to Herb – the pig introduced in this blog):

You Can’t Dress This Up

“Herbs bed in front of shed” (Herb’s wife behind shotgun)

“Enjoy firewoks from the upper deck” (This agent woks on hot coals for his clients)

“Weeping Widow behind garage” (Weeping Herb hiding behind widow.)

“Lush ghetto with squirting waterfalls” (A property for drunks with bladder problems)

“Floating starecase” (I see dead people.)

“Protruding rock front” (A hard set of hooters)

“Yard w/ shed & big dick area” (Herb’s yard – he has delusions of  glandular.)

And For the Law Breakers

“Tenants on short leash” (Landlord in County Lockup)

“Cranked windows” (And a cranked agent.)

“Trees and pot included” (Bong negotiable)

“Large shooting rage” (20 agents on an L.A. Freeway)

“Mate with cherry” (Back off, Herb – you’re in enough trouble.)

Another Shade of Lipstick

“Crepe Cod Home” (A French take on an American classic)

“Double pained French doors” (Yeah, the French are a pain to all of us.)

“Friendly neighbor on one side” (France on the other.)

“Call for Cod. Must Sell Now” (Sushi to die for)

“Dagwood trees” (And Blondie wood floors?)

“Moosaic pattern in entry” (Oh give me a home, where the Guernseys roam…)

“Boat doc needs wood support” (When a jock strap just won’t do…)

“Outdoor girll excluded” (But we’ll throw in Herb for free.)

“Windows with decorative red shitters” (Someone should see a doctor about that…)


“Crassman home” (A home that’s rough around the edges)

“Top grade imported plant floors” (Pass the bong.)

“House in the heat of Studo City, CA” (Yeah, I’m hot just thinking about it.)

“Popular style Archertecher” (I love his Fish n Chips.)

“Long drive with apple parking” (This agent was sauced.)

“Quayle hunting area” (A popular activity with Hoosier Democrats.)

“Owner wants to stray.” (Get a pre-nup and a shotgun.)

And This Week’s Favorite:

“A little fluff is all this needs” (Apparently that’s what Herb said to his wife.)

Thanks to all who contributed from all over the country. Special thanks to my colleagues and friends at Sotheby’s International Realty, Coldwell Banker, and the MLS for their unwitting contributions.

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.

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  1. Joe Loomer

    July 3, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Well Gwen – you’ve made the start of my Independence Day weekend a hoot.

    Excuse me while I go change my shorts, fer chrissake….

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  2. Gwen Banta

    July 3, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    Have a great holiday, Joe – your new Jockeys are in the mail (they have little pink kisses all over them).

  3. Jim Little

    July 3, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    You often see posts on activerain and other sites about the “spelling/grammar police” . The tone of these posts is always “what difference, why does it matter?” .

    This post illustrates why it matters. Agents, do you want your clients thinking you are ignorant or illiterate? Would you want one of these agents to write your contract?

  4. Gwen Banta

    July 3, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    Good point, Jim. I would not want an agent selling my house if I questioned his/her literacy. Lord knows, they mih\ght think “escrow” is a bird in Mexico.

  5. Fred

    July 4, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    I can’t stop laughing!!! 🙂

  6. Gwen Banta

    July 4, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Thanks, Fred. Who knew the MLS was so entertaining?

  7. Marie Kratsios

    July 21, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    Should be required reading for all new agents! (My poor husband doesn’t understand why I enjoy being on the computer so much.)

  8. Gwen Banta

    July 21, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    I heard a great one from a reader today – “Walking Closets.” That’s as good as “Sleeping Views”!

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Business Marketing

Bite-sized retail: Macy’s plans to move out of malls

(BUSINESS MARKETING) While Macy’s shares have recently climbed, the department store chain is making a change in regards to big retail shopping malls.



Macy's retail storefront, which may look different as they scale to smaller stores.

I was recently listening to a podcast on Barstool Sports, and was surprised to hear that their presenting sponsor was Macy’s. This struck me as odd considering the demographic for the show is women in their twenties to thirties, and Macy’s typically doesn’t cater to that crowd. Furthermore, department retail stores are becoming a bit antiquated as is.

The sponsorship made more sense once I learned that Macy’s is restructuring their operation, and now allowing their brand to go the way of the ghost. They feel that while malls will remain in operation, only the best (AKA the malls with the most foot traffic) will stand the test of changes in the shopping experience.

As we’ve seen a gigantic rise this year in online shopping, stores like Macy’s and JC Penney are working hard to keep themselves afloat. There is so much changing in brick and mortar retail that major shifts need to be made.

So, what is Macy’s proposing to do?

The upscale department store chain is going to be testing smaller stores in locations outside of major shopping malls. Bloomingdale’s stores will be doing the same. “We continue to believe that the best malls in the country will thrive,” CEO Jeff Gennette told CNBC analysts. “However, we also know that Macy’s and Bloomingdale’s have high potential [off]-mall and in smaller formats.”

While the pandemic assuredly plays a role in this, the need for change came even before the hit in March. Macy’s had announced in February their plans to close 125 stores in the next three years. This is in conjunction with Macy’s expansion of Macy’s Backstage, which offers more affordable options.

Gennette also stated that while those original plans are still in place, Macy’s has been closely monitoring the competition in the event that they need to adjust the store closure timeline. At the end of the second quarter, Macy’s had 771 stores, including Bloomingdale’s and Bluemercury.

Last week, Macy’s shares climbed 3 percent, after the retailer reported a more narrow loss than originally expected, along with stronger sales due to an uptick in their online business. So they’re already doing well in that regard. But will smaller stores be the change they need to survive?

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Business Marketing

Why you must nix MLM experience from your resume

(BUSINESS MARKETING) MLMs prey on people without much choice, but once you try to switch to something more stable, don’t use the MLM as experience.



Discussing including MLM experience on a resume.

MLM experience… Is it worth keeping on your resume?

Are you or someone you know looking for a job after a stint in an MLM? Well, first off, congratulations for pursuing a real job that will provide a steady salary! But I also know that transition can be hard. The job market is already tight and if you don’t have much other work experience on your resume, is it worth trying to leverage your MLM experience?

The short answer? Heck no.

As Ask the Manager puts it, there’s a “strong stigma against [MLMs],” meaning your work experience might very well put a bad taste in the mouth of anyone looking through resumes. And looking past the sketchy products many offer, when nearly half of people in MLMs lose money and another quarter barely break even, it sure doesn’t paint you in a good light to be involved.

(Not to mention, many who do turn a profit only do so by recruiting more people, not actually by selling many products.)

“But I wouldn’t say I worked for an MLM,” you or your friend might say, “I was a small business owner!”

It’s a common selling point for MLMs, that often throw around pseudo-feminist feel good slang like “Boss Babe” or a “Momtrepreneur,” to tell women joining that they’re now business women! Except, as you might have guessed, that’s not actually the case, unless by “Boss Babe” you mean “Babe Who Goes Bankrupt or Tries to Bankrupt Her Friends.”

A more accurate title for the job you did at an MLM would be Sales Rep, because you have no stake in the creation of the product, or setting the prices, or any of the myriad of tasks that a real entrepreneur has to face.

Okay, that doesn’t sound nearly as impressive as “small business owner.” And I know it’s tempting to talk up your experience on a resume, but that can fall apart pretty quickly if you can’t actually speak to actual entrepreneur experience. It makes you look like you don’t know what you’re talking about…which is also not a good look for the job hunt.

That said… Depending on your situation, it might be difficult to leave any potential work experience off your resume. I get it. MLMs often target people who don’t have options for other work opportunities – and it’s possible you’re one of the unlucky ones who doesn’t have much else to put on paper.

In this case, you’ll want to do it carefully. Use the sales representative title (or something similar) and, if you’re like the roughly 50% of people who lose money from MLMs, highlight your soft skills. Did you do cold calls? Tailor events to the people who would be attending? Get creative, just make sure to do it within reason.

It’s not ideal to use your MLM experience on a resume, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. Still, congratulations to you, or anyone you know, who has decided to pursue something that will actually help pay the bills.

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Business Marketing

This smart card manages employee spending with ease

(BUSINESS MARKETING) Clever credit cards make it easier for companies to set spending policies and help alleviate expense problems for both them and their employees.



Spendesk showing off its company credit cards.

Company credit cards are a wonderful solution to managing business expenses. They work almost exactly like debit cards, which we all know how to use, am I right? It is the twenty-first century after all. Simply swipe, dip, or tap, and a transaction is complete.

However, keeping up with invoices and receipts is a nightmare. I know I’ve had my fair share of hunting down wrinkled pieces of paper after organizing work events. Filling out endless expense reports is tedious. Plus, the back and forth communication with the finance team to justify purchases can cause a headache on both ends.

Company credit cards make it easier for companies to keep track of who’s spending money and how much. However, they aren’t able to see final numbers until expense reports are submitted. This makes monitoring spending a challenge. Also, reviewing all the paperwork to reimburse employees is time-consuming.

But Spendesk is here to combat those downsides! This all-in-one corporate expense and spend management service provides a promising alternative to internal management. The French startup “combines spend approvals, company cards, and automated accounting into one refreshingly easy spend management solution.”

Their clever company cards are what companies and employees have all been waiting for! With increasing remote workforces, this new form of payment comes at just the right moment to help companies simplify their expenditures.

These smart cards remove limitations regular company cards have today. Spendesk’s employee debit cards offer companies options to monitor budgets, customize settings, and set specific authorizations. For instance, companies can set predefined budgets and spending category limitations on flights, hotels, restaurants, etc. Then they don’t have to worry about an employee taking advantage of their card by booking a first-class flight or eating at a high-end steakhouse.

All transactions are tracked in real time so finance and accounting can see purchases right as they happen. Increasing visibility is important, especially when your employee is working remotely.

And for employees, this new form of payment is more convenient and easier on the pocket. “These are smart employee company cards with built-in spending policies. Employees can pay for business expenses when they need to without ever having to spend their own money,” the company demonstrated in a company video.

Not having to dip into your checking account is a plus in my book! And for remote employees who just need to make a single purchase, Spendesk has single-use virtual debit cards, too.

Now, that’s a smart card!

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