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Three martini MLS listings – real estate humor

Have you ever wondered what agents are drinking when they enter their new listings on the MLS, or when they create real estate ads? Shouldn’t there be a three martini maximum when typing?

Then again, it isFriday, and I schertainly shupport an erly Happpy Hour chelabration.  Sho here we go: ANOTHER ROUND ON ME!

Chew and Spew

“New waste evacution pump” (That’s called an intestine, pal.)

“Hurled wood  in library” (Empty kegger and unconscious teens on front porch)

“Landscaped with agave and yucc” (The kegger must have started on the lawn)

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“Close to large pork” (Must be in the same neighborhood as Congress)

“View of coastal beef” (Hmmm…is he single?)

“Built in bierd cage” (Home of ZZ Top)

Is This Legal?

“New redhead deck & built-in poker table” (Ah – spice and vice. I’ll explain it to you blonds later.)

“Walt hanging included” ( Thanks, but no thanks, Uncle Vito – we’re not in Jersey anymore.)

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“Wet bra by pool.” (Naked chick in jacuzzi.)

“Info on Homostead Act  (I think that was called Prop 8…)

“Include all farms with offer” (Ark should be completed shortly…)

“Expansive views of the boy” (For those who wish to homostead?)

“New kitchen toil” (That’s how I feel every time I turn on the stove.)

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“REO home – histerical area”  (Buy this home and the joke is on you!)

Not For the Faint of Heart:

“Art dico design” (Tattoo on the tooteroo?)

Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Lani Rosales

    August 13, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    large pork? hahahaha that is awesome.

  2. Melissa Delgaudio

    August 13, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    I’m betting that the hurled wood has decidedly striking colors and textures.

  3. gwen banta

    August 13, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    Yes, Lani – I had to control myself with the “large pork” blooper. I’m just sayin’…

  4. gwen banta

    August 13, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    Yes Melissa, the designer is famous – “Ralph Interiors.”

  5. Alex Cortez

    August 15, 2010 at 4:34 am

    I have always wanted a bitchfront property. Oh, the views.

  6. Gwen Banta

    August 15, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Love it, Alex! I recently saw one that said, “Close to beatch. ” I wouldn’t consider that a great selling point!

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