I Wish but
I don’t always have the patience to be Miss Manners. Most of the time I don’t say what I think and I’m quite polite, but occasionally it comes out – I can’t help it. With the market in a state and every body’s cousin’s brother’s uncle having gotten their license it is incumbent on all of us to take a deep breath before we say, “Hey you *&%$@^#!”
So instead of setting myself up to have to make an apology later, here’s a translation of what I’m not saying:
- You don’t have permission to speak to me that way.
Look you jerk, say that again and I’ll reach through the phone and rip off your toupee.
- Your lack of professionalism is wondrous.
Just because your sister hired you doesn’t mean you know how to sell real estate.
- Wait a minute. I need to think about what you said.
Before I choke your stupid ass.
- I’m confused. What are you saying?
Since you just passed the exam and haven’t sold anything yet, shut your pie hole.
- How rude!
Listen *&%$@^#, let me tell you something.
- Did you intend to be offensive?
Or is that just your personality?
- I need to think about what you just said.
Otherwise I’m going to blow my air horn in your ear.
And this concludes Miss Manners’ lesson for today. Happy selling.
“House has spark” – burning up the MLS with typos and other bloopers
The year is starting a march toward its natural ending, friends…and it seems a few real estate careers may be also. This week I found some real head-scratchers in local real estate ads and the MLS. However, I get submissions from all over the U.S., so no one is safe from the eyes of the Blooper Scooper. Check out these blunders:
Do You Smell Smoke?
“House has spark” (Apparently your real estate career isn’t the only thing going up in smoke.)
“Big pep area in kitchen” (Is that the cookie jar where Mommy Dearest stashes her uppers?)
“Dull Viking ovens” (Methinks there’s something in the cookie jar that will perk up those dull Vikings.)
“Large greenhose in back” (Large, naked Jolly Green Giant in yard.)
“Mush added to this house” (Was that the overflow from between your ears?)
I Think I See Flames
“Beautifully remolded guest” (Another cosmetically-altered Barbie hits the Hollywood party circuit.)
“Enjoy a drink poolslide” ( Hell, if the pool is sliding, I’ll need a whole pint of Jack.)
“Each bedroom has own bedrooom” (Hello-o-o, Alice, how are things down there in the rabbit hole?)
“Separate pod to build GH” (That should please my pea-sized buyers.)
“Play room for the kiss” (Something tells me this is the back seat of a ’67 Chevy.)
“Ideal for gusts” (That’s great…if you want to live in a wind sock.)
“Impaccably detailed” (Incredibly challenged)
“Stylish pewder room” (Try burning a match.)
“Stone pillars flake driveway” (Flakey agent got stoned in driveway.)
Nothing But Embers (This Week’s Fave):
“From a bygone error” (You have just written your own epitaph.)
“New bd pans inc” – Making a Splash on the MLS
I have two things to say this week: 1. When you drink, you can’t think. 2. When you drink you can’t- … uh, what was I saying? Oh, yes – the MLS. It was so full of bloopers this week that I am led to conclude that happy hour started Monday and never stopped. Read these and tell me if it is any wonder I was driven to throw back a few martinis myself:
Booze ‘N’ Fools
“Free membership to gin inc” (It seems someone else beat us to it, Martini Mary.)
“Grab now use imagination” (That’s what Arnold said to his housekeeper.)
“House has new edition” (Agent lacks erudition.)
“Babblying broke runs in back” (Bumbling buffoon runs amuck.)
“Drop by for cocktail ho” (Oh, is the Sunset Strip for sale?)
Puff ‘N’ Stuff
“Near Sacramento airpot” (I believe his name is Jerry Brown.)
“Claw me for selling” (I’m too busy clawing my eyes out over your spelling.)
“Reduction on mid-century ner Holywod” (Another mid-sixties porn star is looking for work.)
“We can sake your home” (Can I get fried rice with my sake?)
Proof or Goof
“Nice streem” (Said Grandma to Grandpa after his diaper exploded.)
“Nice for dog kids” (Uh, they’re called ‘puppies,” pal.)
“New bd pans included” (Thank you, Nurse Nancy – can you warm those first?)
“Good stable in neighborhood.” (Have you contacted Mary and Joseph?)
“Drawing for plasma” (Is this a blood-bank?)
And This Week’s Winner Is:
“Good school in areola” (Thanks for keeping me abreast of things.)
PROOF OR GOOF, FRIENDS – I’M WATCHING EWE 🙂
“Scalped ceilings” and other MLS hair-raisers
Wait until you see the characters who showed up this week on the MLS…well, at least tangentially. It was a great week for laughs, and many were provided by Jane Peters, Jan Pastras, and Patrick Martin, all from right here in sunny L.A. Thanks to you all for helping me be virulent. Uh, I mean vigilant:
Neither ‘Hair” nor There
“Nice scalped ceilings” (Designed by Tonto Interiors)
“Larder than others in the area” ( Roseanne Barr must be selling her house.)
“Fellow directions” (Since when do fellows ask for directions?)
‘I’ll work garder for you” (Thank you, Blaze Starr.)
“Horse property w/ room for stills” (Uncle Paddy, get off your bar stool – I found the house of your dreams!)
You Say Potato, I Say Kato
“Needs work but not a teard” (Don’t cry for me Argentina.)
“Nice home. Show cokd.” (That’s fairly obvious, Ms. McSnorty.)
“”Manure foliage” (Sh_t for brains agent)
“Gas ready” (Just like Uncle Paddy…)
Quaked and Half-Baked
“So sorry – no seismic ins” (This must be on the Not My Fault Line.)
“New fence gaye” (A fence with a lisp?)
“Famedia room” (Is this a room or an STD?)
“Master now don” (I’ll call him “The Donald,” but there’s no way I’ll call him “master”!
My Fave’ Rave
“Sellr movng away – not going to fix anyting, not repairs, not pest, not cracks, not nothimng.” (Buyer walking away – not going to offer a dollar, not a dime, not a farthing…not nothimng, nit-wit!)
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