Friday
Miss Manners
I Wish but
I don’t always have the patience to be Miss Manners. Most of the time I don’t say what I think and I’m quite polite, but occasionally it comes out – I can’t help it. With the market in a state and every body’s cousin’s brother’s uncle having gotten their license it is incumbent on all of us to take a deep breath before we say, “Hey you *&%$@^#!”
So instead of setting myself up to have to make an apology later, here’s a translation of what I’m not saying:
- You don’t have permission to speak to me that way.
Look you jerk, say that again and I’ll reach through the phone and rip off your toupee. - Your lack of professionalism is wondrous.
Just because your sister hired you doesn’t mean you know how to sell real estate. - Wait a minute. I need to think about what you said.
Before I choke your stupid ass. - I’m confused. What are you saying?
Since you just passed the exam and haven’t sold anything yet, shut your pie hole. - How rude!
Listen *&%$@^#, let me tell you something. - Did you intend to be offensive?
Or is that just your personality? - I need to think about what you just said.
Otherwise I’m going to blow my air horn in your ear.
And this concludes Miss Manners’ lesson for today. Happy selling.
The year is starting a march toward its natural ending, friends…and it seems a few real estate careers may be also. This week I found some real head-scratchers in local real estate ads and the MLS. However, I get submissions from all over the U.S., so no one is safe from the eyes of the Blooper Scooper. Check out these blunders:
Do You Smell Smoke?
“House has spark” (Apparently your real estate career isn’t the only thing going up in smoke.)
“Big pep area in kitchen” (Is that the cookie jar where Mommy Dearest stashes her uppers?)
“Dull Viking ovens” (Methinks there’s something in the cookie jar that will perk up those dull Vikings.)
“Large greenhose in back” (Large, naked Jolly Green Giant in yard.)
“Mush added to this house” (Was that the overflow from between your ears?)
I Think I See Flames
“Beautifully remolded guest” (Another cosmetically-altered Barbie hits the Hollywood party circuit.)
“Enjoy a drink poolslide” ( Hell, if the pool is sliding, I’ll need a whole pint of Jack.)
“Each bedroom has own bedrooom” (Hello-o-o, Alice, how are things down there in the rabbit hole?)
“Separate pod to build GH” (That should please my pea-sized buyers.)
“Play room for the kiss” (Something tells me this is the back seat of a ’67 Chevy.)
Still Smoldering…
“Ideal for gusts” (That’s great…if you want to live in a wind sock.)
“Impaccably detailed” (Incredibly challenged)
“Stylish pewder room” (Try burning a match.)
“Stone pillars flake driveway” (Flakey agent got stoned in driveway.)
Nothing But Embers (This Week’s Fave):
“From a bygone error” (You have just written your own epitaph.)
I have two things to say this week: 1. When you drink, you can’t think. 2. When you drink you can’t- … uh, what was I saying? Oh, yes – the MLS. It was so full of bloopers this week that I am led to conclude that happy hour started Monday and never stopped. Read these and tell me if it is any wonder I was driven to throw back a few martinis myself:
Booze ‘N’ Fools
“Free membership to gin inc” (It seems someone else beat us to it, Martini Mary.)
“Grab now use imagination” (That’s what Arnold said to his housekeeper.)
“House has new edition” (Agent lacks erudition.)
“Babblying broke runs in back” (Bumbling buffoon runs amuck.)
“Drop by for cocktail ho” (Oh, is the Sunset Strip for sale?)
Puff ‘N’ Stuff
“Near Sacramento airpot” (I believe his name is Jerry Brown.)
“Claw me for selling” (I’m too busy clawing my eyes out over your spelling.)
“Reduction on mid-century ner Holywod” (Another mid-sixties porn star is looking for work.)
“We can sake your home” (Can I get fried rice with my sake?)
Proof or Goof
“Nice streem” (Said Grandma to Grandpa after his diaper exploded.)
“Nice for dog kids” (Uh, they’re called ‘puppies,” pal.)
“New bd pans included” (Thank you, Nurse Nancy – can you warm those first?)
“Good stable in neighborhood.” (Have you contacted Mary and Joseph?)
“Drawing for plasma” (Is this a blood-bank?)
And This Week’s Winner Is:
“Good school in areola” (Thanks for keeping me abreast of things.)
PROOF OR GOOF, FRIENDS – I’M WATCHING EWE 🙂
Wait until you see the characters who showed up this week on the MLS…well, at least tangentially. It was a great week for laughs, and many were provided by Jane Peters, Jan Pastras, and Patrick Martin, all from right here in sunny L.A. Thanks to you all for helping me be virulent. Uh, I mean vigilant:
Neither ‘Hair” nor There
“Nice scalped ceilings” (Designed by Tonto Interiors)
“Larder than others in the area” ( Roseanne Barr must be selling her house.)
“Fellow directions” (Since when do fellows ask for directions?)
‘I’ll work garder for you” (Thank you, Blaze Starr.)
“Horse property w/ room for stills” (Uncle Paddy, get off your bar stool – I found the house of your dreams!)
You Say Potato, I Say Kato
“Drop by for coattail hour” (Hosted by coattail experts Larry Fortensky, Kato Kaelin and Kevin Federline.)
“Needs work but not a teard” (Don’t cry for me Argentina.)
“Nice home. Show cokd.” (That’s fairly obvious, Ms. McSnorty.)
“”Manure foliage” (Sh_t for brains agent)
“Gas ready” (Just like Uncle Paddy…)
Quaked and Half-Baked
“So sorry – no seismic ins” (This must be on the Not My Fault Line.)
“New fence gaye” (A fence with a lisp?)
“Famedia room” (Is this a room or an STD?)
“Master now don” (I’ll call him “The Donald,” but there’s no way I’ll call him “master”!
My Fave’ Rave
“Sellr movng away – not going to fix anyting, not repairs, not pest, not cracks, not nothimng.” (Buyer walking away – not going to offer a dollar, not a dime, not a farthing…not nothimng, nit-wit!)
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Matt Stigliano
August 15, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Vicki – Can you include a translation for…
A response (email, call, anything) would be nice ’cause I’m trying to sell your listing for you.
Thanks.
Jamie Geiger
August 15, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I need a translation for this one: Please do not advertise homes on your website that are not your listings and you are out of the country and your staff knows nothing of them and my buyer would like more information
Yikes!!
Sherry Baker
August 15, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Just today I said goodbye to a month-old listing because the owners made me want to scream at them every time we talked. I knew I couldn’t hold my tongue much longer. Thanks for saying it all so well, Vicki! I feel so much better now. 🙂
Seth Parker
August 15, 2008 at 4:54 pm
LOL. How about:
So, your brother sold you that you should list your home for $40,000 more that I recommended?
–Ok, so how many homes has he sold lately?
Let me be sure I’ve got this right…
–Did you really just say what I think you said?
Yes, your home does need some work before we put it on the market.
–Demolish, rinse and repeat.
….and plenty more!!!
Seth Parker
August 15, 2008 at 4:55 pm
^^^ “So, your brother said that you…”
Jennifer in Louisville
August 15, 2008 at 5:59 pm
LOL this one is awesome:
Wait a minute. I need to think about what you said.
Before I choke your stupid ass.
Thats great. And I WILL use it the next time someone fires me up – which may be as early as tomorrow. [Am working a deal with someone that obviously left their brain on the nightstand before heading off to work for the day.]
Paula Henry
August 15, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Perfect! It is tiring working with agents who are new with an attitude!
I recently worked with an agent who was young and knew little about what he was doing. He was buying his first home, which was one of my listings. One day, he says to me, ” Man, I wish you were my agent”? Of course I told him I could be; only he wouldn’t get paid.
I would much rather work with him than someone who thinks they know it all and doesn’t have the common sense to shut up when they need to.
Matthew Rathbun
August 16, 2008 at 7:55 am
I’ve actually asked a rude agent once: “Did your parents abuse you, as a child?”
I’ve found that simply hanging up mid-sentence on a rude agent saves me from being more unprofessional. I have quite the attitude when I am treated as anything less than another professional…
Vicki Moore
August 16, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Matt – Listen Bub – no call back – no paycheck. That’s what I’d be thinking but I’d say it more politely.
Jamie – That’s when I tell the buyer forget it – next!
Sherry – Glad I could help. 🙂
Seth – Great add-ons!
Jennifer – It’s the climate. I do a lot of deep breathing.
Paula – I’m a good listener. I’ll listen to everything they say. I know at some point they’re going to spill the beans on their client.
Matthew – Tisk. Tisk. Deep breathing. LOL. I’ve hung up on people many times myself. Sometimes there’s just no other way.
Michelle
August 17, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Dead air on the phone goes a long way. When someone says something unprofessional or rude, I just let them finish, lead the dead air hang for a bit, then they have to say “um, hello? you still there?”. Then I say, “you’ve obviously had a rough day, and for that i’m really sorry. But now that you’ve got it off your chest, can we finish our conversation more professionally?” One of two things usually happens, they either straighten up or they get even more ticked, to which I say, “You know, I think communicating via email might be best at this point….” click.
Vicki Moore
August 17, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Michelle – I’m going to use that – if I can hold myself back from being snarky. Great tip.