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Death By Real Estate

Real Estate Epitaphs – Humor

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Funny tomb stone2

Recently a friend and colleague was telling me how tired she was from a week of PTA, cookie sales, shlepping clients, fielding calls, negotiating contracts, and taking license renewal classes. She said she feared she’d be DOA at her next appointment, but she knew her IPhone would continue ringing long after she was six feet under and trying to finally catch up on some sleep. Silently I wondered if there is such a thing as Multitask Fatigue Insurance, and whether the coroner would declare her demise as Death by Real Estate.

When I asked her what her real Estate Tombstone would say, she replied, “Escrowed and then some.” Ever the probing journalist, when I asked other colleagues about their Real Estate epitaphs, I collected the following final words and added my own little eulogy to each: 

Last Words and Quick Blurbs

Fred Glick: “Sold!” (Fred was foreclosed from his head to his toes…the lender lost patience, which really blows.)

Matt Stigliano: “Bought in 1972, Foreclosed on in 2072.”  (Matt’s sure not hurrin’ to be a centurion, cuz in ’72 he’ll be Deed-in-Lieu.)

Tanya  Nouwens: “Here lies a woman…who tried…and died.” (Now there’s six feet o’ dirt up poor Tanya’s skirt.)

Jan Caswell Pastras: “Finally – a home with no mortgage payments.” (Jan had to dash so she paid all cash – it’s dark, it’s dug, it’s cold but snug.)

(Brandie Young: “Is it hot in here or is it just me?” (It’s dark and ghostly, you’re toast, so it’s toasty.)

Grant Hammond: “He never let a deal die, but he eventually did.”  (He took nothing for Granted until he was planted.)

Patrick Martin: “He sold in the Hills…then he was over the hill…now he’s under the hill.”  (Patrick, now relaxing, was a mover and shaker, but he’ll roll  in his grave with our next big quaker.)

Antony Bland, my licensed assistant: “Here I lie and no wonder I’m dead, cuz my faulty Toyota ran over my head.”  (There Antony lies suckin’ up sap, because he drove a piece o’ crap.)

Joe Loomer: “Underneath all is the land.  Underneath the land is Joe Loomer.” (Joe was a fruit of the loomer known for his humor, who crapped out on the john according to rumor.)

Ken Brand:

 “I Laughed to keep from Cry’n. I Believed to keep from Doubt’n.
 I Hugged to keep from Slug’n. I Went to keep from Stay’n
.” 
(Ken didn’t know if he was coming or going, ’til he suddenly felt the formaldehyde flowing.)

Gwen Banta: “Listing Expired.” (The mean ‘ol undertaker kicked her tires, then declared her dead cuz he could find no buyers; she had partied hearty and didn’t give a damn, and thus  assisted the Repo man. He lectured her on “an ounce of prevention,” but he refused to give her a listing extension.  Her rhyming sucked and her mind was sick, but give her a break, cuz her head was thick.)

THE REAL DEAL 

As a diversion from the pressure of real estate, here are some REAL epitaphs that will make you chuckle: 

Winston Churchill (1874 – 1965)

I am ready to meet my Maker. 
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal 
of meeting me is another matter. 

Bette Davis (1908-1989)

She did it the hard way. 

Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

Here lies Groucho Marx
and Lies and Lies and Lies
P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

Jonathan Grober (dates unknown)

Jonathan Grober
Died dead sober.
Lord thy wonders never cease.
 

John Edwards (died 1904)

John Edwards who perished in a fire
None could hold a candle to him.
 

Unknown Vicar (18th Century)

He was literally a father to all the children of the parish. 

W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

Here lies W.C. Fields.
On the whole I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
 

(I can show you some property, Mr. Fields….)

SO WHAT WILL YOUR REAL ESTATE TOMBSTONE SAY???

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn, LAhomesite.com, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.

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17 Comments

17 Comments

  1. Joe Loomer

    April 16, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    Underneath all THAT, is this comment!

    You go, Gwen! Never, NEVER, stop being you.

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride!

  2. Gwen Banta

    April 16, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    Thank you, Joe – and I am so glad to see you are still among the living! xo!

  3. Brandie Young

    April 16, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    Hi Gwen – Thanks for not posting the “other” epitaph … he he.

  4. Andrew Mckay

    April 16, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Not mine but British Comic Spike Milligan: ” I told you I was ill”
    news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/southern_counties/3742443.stm

  5. Gwen Banta

    April 16, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    “The thought of her demise, to Brandie does rankle, the girl bought the farm, because of her kankles.” (Refer to Brandie’s plight of the explosive “kankles” at https://agentgenius.com/real-estate-sales-marketing/marketing/real-estate-karaoke-at-the-redhead-lounge/)

  6. Gwen Banta

    April 27, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Hello Wasage Beach – thanks for the reference.

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Business Marketing

The Body Shop’s new policy is first come, first employed

(BUSINESS MARKETING) An issue that has been on a lot of peoples minds recently is fair hiring standards, be from sex, race, or age discrimination to former prisoners.

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The body shop hires prisoners

Anyone who has tried to get a job in the last decade can tell you that hiring is getting near dystopian. Everyone has heard jokes about needing 5 years of experience for an entry level job or the combined skillset of 3 positions to get one job. Things have gotten to the point where even some large companies are wondering if maybe hiring (and getting hired) shouldn’t be so complicated?

The Body Shop is making a radical change in the way they hire their retail employees this summer. They will be hiring on a first-come first-serve basis. Employees must meet three criteria to apply, but beyond that it’s open season – or “open hiring” as they are calling it.

1. Must be authorized to work in the U.S.
2. Can lift over 50lbs
3. Can stand for 8 hours

The company will not be performing drug tests or background checks for this “open hiring” round. The goal is to remove some of the barriers to entry for people seeking employment. This move will be hugely beneficial to the formerly incarcerated and people who have minor offenses on their record.

The Body Shop’s U.S. GM, Andrea Blieden, said, “When you give people access to something that they’re struggling to find, they’re very committed to working hard and keeping it.”

This isn’t the first time The Body Shop has tested out this hiring strategy. In December 2019, the company ran a pilot program at their distribution center. According to them, their employee turnover rate dropped from 43% to 16% and productivity improved.

This change could be equally beneficial to both employers and employees. According to PrisonPolicy.org, formerly incarcerated people are unemployed at a rate of 27%. To put that in perspective, that is higher than the overall national average during the Great Depression.

When established brands make big moves, people pay attention. If they continue to report success, The Body Shop’s hiring practices could be used as a case study for other businesses looking to shake up their hiring process. Perhaps in a few years, this type of hiring could become more common place among retailers.

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Business Marketing

Stay ahead by decluttering your Instagram accounts with this new feature

(BUSINESS MARKETING) Get a head start on your spring cleaning with Instagram’s newest feature. It may become your favorite way to views others accounts.

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instagram accounts

In a plot twist you weren’t expecting this week, Instagram is looking to make your life a little easier. Their newest app update includes a feature that groups accounts you follow into curated lists such as most and least interacted with or earliest followed to latest.

If you’ve ever looked at the number of people you follow on Instagram and wondered, “who the heck are these people?” then this update will make your heart sing. Instagram has been around for 10 years now, so it’s understandable that some of our follower lists have gotten a little out of control. Your friends and interests shift over time and it can be difficult to find time to actively curate your social media accounts.

Working with this new feature is simple. To access it just head on over to your Instagram profile and click “Following.” You should see a couple of categories above the list of accounts you follow. As an added bonus, you can also change the sort feature on your follower list. It can be set to show oldest accounts followed first or latest accounts firsts.

instagram accounts

For entrepreneurs and freelancers who don’t have the luxury of a full social media team (or any team at all) small features like this can be a game changer. If this feature sparks you to finally clean up your Instagram, here are a few questions to ask yourself when you’re trying to decide who to keep and who to unfollow.

Why did you originally follow this account?

Does this account still serve your business interests?

What was your main purpose behind following this account? As a business owner you might follow an account on Instagram for any number of strategic reasons. Perhaps this account is a fellow business owner in your area, but they’ve since closed their doors. Chances are you’ll find more than one of these cases in your least interacted with group.

Were you looking for business advice or inspiration? When you’re just starting out with your business, you might have followed a few accounts that aimed to give advice to new business owners. Well, if you’ve been doing this for a few years, you probably already know the basic advice these types of accounts are pushing. It’s time to move on.

Do you know this account IRL? Maybe your business has moved locations or changed niche in the last few years. You might have made some great connections with fellow business owners back in the day, but you may no longer run in the same circles. If you know the person who runs the account IRL and you still want to stay connected there are two options. You can either go follow them on your personal account or you can continue following, but mute the account so it doesn’t clog up your Instagram feed.

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Business Marketing

2020 marketing calendar – plan this year’s marketing strategy

(BUSINESS MARKETING) Have you ever wondered when is the best time for your ad campaign, well look no further. This marketing calendar has every event listed, even weird ones.

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When you work for a small business or non-profit, marketing is one of those essential tools that can make a difference in your monthly bottom line or fundraising take. And yet it’s often a challenge for busy owners and employees to find — and take advantage of — fresh promotion opportunities.

Add this to your toolkit… a 2020 Marketing Calendar from the team at Liramail, making note of big events and days that you can use online and IRL to engage customers and donors.

February marketing calendar

Some dates are obvious… major holidays, for instance, particularly the gift-giving ones. But you can find success around other events as well. The Central Texas Food Bank uses the Super Bowl as a driver for one of their most visible annual events, the “Souper Bowl of Caring.” On a smaller scale this year, restaurants and shops around the Austin area and all over the country used January 25, Australia Day, to raise funds for bushfire relief—drawing customers into their businesses, creating community ties and doing good all at once.

This marketing calendar compiles dates both big and small, providing plenty of opportunities for tie-ins and promotions. Running a clothing boutique? Play with Fashion Week. Looking for a good cause to support? World Wildlife Day and International Women’s Day are just a few weeks away. Valentine’s Day, Mardi Gras, St. Patrick’s Day… and that’s all just in the next six weeks.

The calendar is as useful for engaging your social media audience as it is promoting IRL events. You don’t have to own a pizza place to make a post with your team celebrating International Pizza Day and quizzing your followers on their favorite topping. You don’t have to be a veterinarian to turn Love Your Pet Day into a way to engage people by encouraging them to share photos of their pets.

And if you do have a direct tie? Absolutely use it. Each March, for instance, the small Austin well-building non-profit Water to Thrive observes World Water Day with a quick Facebook fundraiser. One of the Austin-area businesses that participated in Australia Day, Bee Cave coffeehouse/boutique Runaway Luna Lifestyle, did so because of family ties there, raising several thousand dollars with an in-store event and social media promotion of a GoFundMe fundraiser.

So page through the marketing calendar, making notes of days that you can take advantage of. And don’t forget, if you’re inspired to create an in-store event or other promotion, be ready for it. Get the initial date on the calendar, and then work backwards to create a long-range plan to support your event. Check your inventory, possibly looking for related items to feature. Book your advertising, draft your newsletter, schedule your social posts. Let your audience know that something special is coming up.

Have fun with it. Add your own dates. Whether you zero in on Talk Like a Pirate Day or Make a Difference Day, you can create new opportunities for your business or non-profit and for your customers as well.

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