I think real estate agents have gotten a dirty rap lately. We are rated right up there with convicts and the Swine Flu. Sure, we have some snarky specimens lurking amongst us, but doesn’t every profession? I decided to make a Warning Signs list of whom to avoid in real estate. Of course, this is Gwen’s Friday-Over-Martinis list…but what else would you expect from me? Here you go, Agents, Sellers and Buyers – an equal-opportunity help guide to the perfect relationship:
First for the Buyers and Sellers: Never Hire an AGENT Who:
1) Greets you with his right hand, while vigorously adjusting his crotch with his left.
2) Has a coaster protruding from his shirt pocket that says Bury Me at the Lush Lounge
3) Looks at your house and says, “You need to put some lipstick on this pig.”
4) Sits on your dog…and enjoys the experience.
5) Removes his sock and uses it to polish his bald spot
6) Says you look like his old cellmate from county lock-up…who was “a hottie.”
7) Tells you you look like Golda Meir…”who was a hottie”
8) Continuously asks your lamp, “Whatdya say?”
9) Talks like Julia Child and brags about his Star Jones wig collection
10) Says “I never miss a detail, Betty,” …and your name is Sue
And for the Agents: Never Work With a BUYER Who:
1) Brags that his FICO scores are lower than his double digit IQ
2) Tells you Uncle Sammy The Silencer is donating the down payment, which is in a locker at Rest Stop 3 on the Garden State Parkway
3) Arrives at your office dressed like Adam Sandler… in high heels
4) Wants to take photos of you playing dead in front of Marilyn Monroe’s house (this happens, folks.)
5) Let’s his St Bernard slobber in your Beemer…and then let’s his girlfriend slobber in your Beemer
6) Says, “A felon can’t be held to a contract, right, lady?”
7) Props his scaly, inflamed bare feet up on your dash and plays “toe puppets”
8) Tells you his current residence is called Halfway House just because it’s “half way from me to you.”
9) Asks you to pick him up at the side door of Liquor Larry’s with the car in Drive.
10) Cranks up your radio and yells, “Let’s get down, Muffy!”…and your name is Sue.
AND, Never Work With a SELLER Who:
1) Displays his toy soldiers on the coffee table and whispers, “If one dies, we all die.”
2) Tells you that you’re “a really fine side of beef.”
3) Says he won’t lower his price until lime green leisure suits come back in style
4) Brags that he updated the electrical wiring himself…and is missing three fingers.
5) Has a jar on his mantle…with three fingers in it
6) Tells you he has a snake room where he sleeps with his giant Boa (this happens, too, folks.)
7) Has a toilet seat that quacks to the tune, “Wipeout”
8) Tells you the shaved circle on the top of his head is a landing pad for space vehicles.
9) Promises you a bonus – your own singing toilet that plays “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.”
10) Says he called you because he loves the name Beatrice …And your name is Sue.