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Dog Bites Agent: Dog Treated For Shock

Funny Commentary on Characters to Avoid in the World of Real Estate

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I think real estate agents have gotten a dirty rap lately. We are rated right up there with convicts and the Swine Flu. Sure, we have some snarky specimens lurking amongst us, but doesn’t every profession? I decided to make a Warning Signs list of whom to avoid in real estate. Of course, this is Gwen’s Friday-Over-Martinis list…but what else would you expect from me?  Here you go, Agents, Sellers and Buyers – an equal-opportunity help guide to the perfect relationship:

First for the Buyers and Sellers: Never Hire an AGENT Who: 

1)    Greets you with his right hand, while vigorously adjusting his crotch with his left.

2)    Has a coaster protruding from his shirt pocket that says  Bury Me at the Lush Lounge

3)    Looks at your house and says, “You need to put some lipstick on this pig.”

4)    Sits on your dog…and enjoys the experience.

5)    Removes his sock and uses it to polish his bald spot

6)    Says you look like his old cellmate from county lock-up…who was “a hottie.”

7)    Tells you you look like Golda Meir…”who was a hottie”

8)    Continuously asks your lamp, “Whatdya say?”

9)     Talks like Julia Child and brags about his Star Jones wig collection

10)   Says “I never miss a detail, Betty,” …and your name is Sue

And for the Agents: Never Work With a BUYER Who:

1)      Brags that his FICO scores are lower than his  double digit IQ

2)      Tells you Uncle Sammy The Silencer is donating the down payment, which is in a locker at Rest Stop 3 on the Garden State Parkway

3)      Arrives at your office dressed like Adam Sandler… in high heels

4)      Wants to take photos of you playing dead in front of Marilyn Monroe’s house (this happens, folks.)

5)      Let’s his St Bernard slobber in your Beemer…and then let’s his girlfriend slobber in your Beemer

6)      Says, “A felon can’t be held to a contract, right, lady?”

7)      Props his scaly, inflamed bare feet up on your dash and plays “toe puppets”

8)      Tells you his current residence is called Halfway House just because it’s “half way from me to you.”

9)      Asks you to pick him up at the side door of Liquor Larry’s with the car in Drive.

10)    Cranks up your radio and yells, “Let’s get down, Muffy!”…and your name is Sue. 

AND, Never Work With a SELLER Who: 

1)     Displays his toy soldiers on the coffee table and whispers, “If one dies, we all die.”

2)     Tells you that you’re “a really fine side of beef.”

3)     Says he won’t  lower his price until lime green leisure suits come back in style

4)     Brags that he updated the electrical wiring himself…and is missing three fingers.

5)     Has a jar on his mantle…with three fingers in it

6)     Tells you he has a snake room where he sleeps with his giant Boa (this happens, too, folks.)

7)    Has a toilet seat that quacks to the tune, “Wipeout”

8)     Tells you the shaved circle on the top of his head is a landing pad for space vehicles.

9)      Promises you a bonus – your own singing toilet that plays “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.”

10)   Says he called you because he loves the name Beatrice …And your name is Sue.

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn, LAhomesite.com, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.

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19 Comments

19 Comments

  1. Joe Loomer

    August 28, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Oy Vey – a bonafide meshooga Golda Meir reference! Boy, am I thoystee!

    Thanks for starting out my Friday with some more Gwen zingers!

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  2. Adam Weart

    August 28, 2009 at 10:47 am

    “If one dies, we all die” … Priceless! I actually laughed out loud, not just a courtesy lol, or even a loi (laugh on the inside). Well done!

  3. Gwen Banta

    August 28, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    Golda really was a hottie in her own way, Joe – her brain was enough of a fashion statement to lead a nation….but you must admit, she looked like Rodney Dangerfield 🙂

  4. Gwen Banta

    August 28, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    I knew someone just like that, Adam. My greatest fear was doing a head plant on Charlie’s table and wiping out a batallion of his little warriors. (Of course, if I had, I would not be here to tell you the story.)

    One day his neighbor’s dog got loose and came in through Charlie’s open door. The dog slid on the hardwood floors and hit the table. Apparently it had the same effect as the Normandy invasion: Rommel was defeated, but there were massive losses. Little soldiers met their maker. One hapless little sargeant was eaten by the dog. Several others were MIA – probably having drowned in dog bile.

    I am not sure what happened to Charlie, but I hope he switched to Barbies after that. It’s hard to go to war in high heels, so they are much less aggressive.

  5. Robert Worthington

    September 1, 2009 at 2:13 am

    I love the analogies used. My favorite is by far, “he won’t lower his price till lime green leisure suits come back in style”. LOL. That is awesome.

  6. Gwen Banta

    September 1, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    I had a client tell me once that he wouldn’t lower his price until his wife came back from the dead. I asked him if he’d like to join her…

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Business Marketing

Snapchat’s study reveals our growing reliance on video

(BUSINESS MARKETING) Snapchat released a report that shows some useful insights for future video content creation.

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Snapchat is taking a break from restoring people’s streaks to publish a report on mobile video access; according to Social Media Today, the report holds potentially vital information about how customers use their mobile devices to view content.

And–surprise, surprise–it turns out we’re using our phones to consume a lot more media than we did six years ago.

The obvious takeaways from this study are listed all over the place, and not even necessarily courtesy of Snapchat. People are using their phones substantially more often than they have in the past five years, and with everyone staying home, it’s reasonable to expect more engagement and more overall screen time.

However, there are a couple of insights that stand out from Snapchat’s study.

Firstly, the “Stories” feature that you see just about everywhere now is considered one of the most popular–and, thus, most lucrative–forms of video content. 82 percent of Snapchat users in the study said that they watched at least one Snapchat Story every day, with the majority of stories being under ten minutes.

This is a stark contrast to the 52 percent of those polled who said they watched a TV show each day and the 49 percent who said they consumed some “premium” style of short-form video (e.g., YouTube). You’ll notice that this flies in the face of some schools of thought regarding content creation on larger platforms like YouTube or Instagram.

Equally as important is Snapchat’s “personal” factor, which is the intimate, one-on-one-ish atmosphere cultivated by Snapchat features. Per Snapchat’s report, this is the prime component in helping an engaging video achieve the other two pillars of success: making it relatable and worthy of sharing.

Those three pillars–being personal, relatable, and share-worthy–are the components of any successful “short-form” video, Snapchat says.

Snapchat also reported that of the users polled, the majority claimed Snapchat made them feel more connected to their fellow users than comparable social media sites (e.g., Instagram or Facebook). Perhaps unsurprisingly, the next-closest social media platform vis-a-vis interpersonal connection was TikTok–something for which you can probably see the nexus to Snapchat.

We know phone use is increasing, and we know that distanced forms of social expression were popular even before a pandemic floored the world; however, this report demonstrates a paradigm shift in content creation that you’d have to be nuts not to check out for yourself.

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Business Marketing

Technology is helping small businesses adapt and stay afloat

(BUSINESS MARKETING) Small businesses need to utilize digital platforms to adapt their businesses during COVID-19, or else they may be left behind.

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While many may not have imagined our present day back in March, and to what extreme we would be doing things “remotely” and via “hands-free contact”, we have to give some credit to small business owners who remain flexible and have pivoted to stay afloat. They deserve major credit on adaptations they have made (and possibly investments) in new technology (ordering online, online payments) especially at a time when their in-person revenues have taken a hit.

There are various marketing buzz words being used lately to say “let’s keep our distance”, including: curbside, to-go, hands-free, no contact, delivery only, order via app, social distancing and #wearamask.

The thing is, if you really think about it, small businesses are always in evolution mode – they have to pay attention to consumer consumption and behaviors that can shift quickly in order to stay relevant and utilize their marketing and advertising budgets wisely. They heavily rely on positive customer reviews and word of mouth recommendations because they may not have the budget for large scale efforts.

For example, we use Lyft or Uber vs calling an individual cab owner; we order on Amazon vs shopping at a local mom-and-pop shop; we download and make playlists of music vs going to a record or music store. Small business owners are constantly fighting to keep up with the big guys and have to take into account how their product/service has relevance, and if it’s easy for people to attain. In current times, they’ve had to place major efforts into contactless experiences that often require utilizing a digital platform.

If stores or restaurants didn’t already have an online ordering platform, they had to implement one. Many may have already had a way to order online but once they were forced to close their dining areas, they had to figure out how to collect payments safely upon pickup; this may have required them to implement a new system. Many restaurants also had to restructure pick up and to-go orders, whether it was adding additional signage or reconfiguring their pick up space to make sure people were able to easily practice social distancing.

According to this article from the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, “Studies have shown that 73% of small businesses are not aware of digital resources, such as online payment processing tools, online productivity tools, e-commerce websites, online marketing and other tools, that can help them reach customers around the world. If small businesses had better access to global markets, it could increase the GDP of the United States by $81 billion and add 900,000 new jobs. During the pandemic, this could also mean the difference between thriving and closing for good.”

There are some larger corporate technology companies offering ways to support small businesses whether it’s through small business grants from Google, resources and grants from Facebook or Verizon giving them a break on their telecom bill. The challenge with this may be whether or not small business owners are able to find time from their intense focus on surviving to applying for these grants and managing all that admin time. Many business owners may be focusing on what technology they have and can upgrade, or what they need to implement – most likely while seeing a loss in revenue. So, it can be a tough decision to make new technology investments.

It does seem like many have made incredible strides, and quickly (which is impressive), to still offer their products and services to customers – whether it’s a contactless pay method, free delivery, or even reservations to ensure limited capacity and socially distanced visits. There are still some that just haven’t able to do that yet, and may be looking at other ways to take their business to a wider audience online.

We would encourage, if you can, to support small businesses in your community as often as you can. Understandably there are times that it’s easier to order on Amazon, but if there is a way you can pick up something from a local brewery or family-owned business, this may be the lifeline they need to survive and/or to invest in new technology to help them adapt.

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Business Marketing

There’s a shortage of skilled workers, so get learning

(BUSINESS MARKETING) COVID-19 may end up justifying training funds for lower-class workers to learn new skills. Skilled workers are desperately needed right now.

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The COVID-19 pandemic (yes, that one) has ushered in a lot of unexpected changes, one of the which is most surprising: An increased call for skilled workers — a call that, unfortunately, requires a massive retraining of the existing workforce.

According to the New York Times, nearly 50 percent of Americans were working from home by May; this was, reportedly, a 15 percent increase in remote work. The problems with this model are expansive, but one of the greatest issues stems from the lack of training: As employees of lower-class employment transitioned to working online, it became increasingly evident that there was a shortage of skilled workers in this country.

The Times traces this phenomenon back to the Great Recession; Harvard University’s Lawrence Katz points to some parallels and insinuates that this is an opportunity to elevate the lower class rather than regressing, and it seems fair to put the onus of such elevation on lawmakers and senators.

Indeed, Congress has even addressed the issue of skill equality via “bipartisan support” of a $4000 credit for non-skilled workers to use toward skill training. For Congress to come together on something like this is relatively noteworthy, and it’s hard to disagree with the premise that, given the invariable automation wave, many of our “non-skilled” workers will face unemployment without substantial aid.

COVID-19 has accelerated many trends and processes that should have taken years to propagate, and this is clearly one of them.

Supporting laborers in developing skills that help them work within the technology bubble isn’t just a good idea–it’s imperative, both morally and economically speaking. Even middle-class “skilled” workers have had trouble keeping up with the sheer amount of automation and technology-based skillsets required to stay competent; when one considers how lower-class employees will be impacted by this wave, the outcome is too dark to entertain.

It should be noted that non-skilled workers don’t necessarily have to scale up their training in their current fields; the Times references a truck driver who pivoted hard into software development, and while it may be easier for some to focus on their existing areas of expertise, the option to make a career change does exist.

If we take nothing else away from the time we’ve spent in quarantine, we should remember that skilled labor is integral to our success as a society, and we have a moral obligation to help those who missed the opportunity to develop such skills fulfill that need.

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