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Home on De-Range – MLS Mayhem

My dear readers, friends, colleagues and fellow inmates: Please think before you participate in MLS-Speak. If you don’t, you’ll come off like a horse’s petute. This week’s fertile field of bloopers was more like a tribute to Calabasas,  Roy Rogers and Gene Autry. Check out these bloopers from Home on De-Range (Sorry, Champion and Trigger):

Home for the Deranged

“Beautiful Calabasas villa with mounting view” (Hmmm, a house with livestock porn.)

“Parklike groans” (Must be in Calabasas…)

“Extra guest pking” (Stop groaning and mounting, and we’ll stop pking.)

“Ranch with Heated pole” (For Calabasas stripper cows?)

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“3Bd/2Ba horse for sale” (Let me guess…four square feet?)

“Pantless approval process.” (Something tells me this broker is in Calabasas…)

Meds Required Here

“Seller died – fixer.” (Breaking news: That ship has sailed.)

“New Koala Fixtures” (Upgraded Down Under?)

“House and one lush acher” (I’ll tell Uncle Paddy to lay off the Guinness and shut his pie hole.)

“House is on a slob” (Don’t worry, after four pints, Uncle Paddy can’t feel a thing.)

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Who Let the Inmates Out?

“New entrance rump” (Uh, rumps are for exits, you horse’s arse!)

“A lot of house for little monkey.” (If it can accommodate a big ape, I’ll alert my ex.)

“Crash preferred” (Thank you Jet Blue.)

“Send Approval letter and proof of funs” (How ‘bout a photo of me in a party hat?)

“Salad, bugers and treats served” (Lovely – are Kleenex included?)

And The Beat Goes On

“New Pool and diving broad” (Great offer – if you can get her to clean the pool.)

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“New mable in the kitchen.” (Old Mable in the coffin?)

“Stoned walkdaway” (Stoned agent couldn’t.)

“Ninnys attached to kitchin” (Ninny face down on  keyboard.)

And We’re Back to Calabasas

“Historic Horse Ranch for Sale – Four Generations Porn Here (Uh, let me guess – mounting views, parklike groans…and a lot of horsing around? Giddyup, Trigger, we’re outta here!)

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Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Maui Realtor Alex Cortez

    August 28, 2010 at 12:25 am

    LOL. Funny stuff, Gwen. I recently saw: “Entertain outdoors with your oversized wooden dick”.

  2. Jason Improta - Calabasas Homes for Sale

    August 28, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Those are some good ones!

  3. gwen banta

    August 30, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Alex, I am amazed at how often “deck” is misspelled. I really think it’s a guy-thing 🙂

  4. Jeff Belonger

    August 31, 2010 at 1:26 am

    Gwen… some of these were hilarious…. thanks for the laugh…
    “Salad, bugers and treats served” – I guess I don’t need to go to a fast food joint, I can just pretend to buy a house.
    “Pantless approval process.” – sounds better than a slumber party. Will there be girls also?
    “House is on a slob” – my husband and you will get along fine.
    “New entrance rump” – sounds like a great party… where do I sign up…

    Anyhoo… these were good… I know people make mistakes, but I guess they left proof reading out of proof…

  5. Joe Loomer

    August 31, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Didn’t get to this until today – wish I’d gotten to it over the weekend – I need the laugh! Always unique and hilarious, Gwen, thank you!

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  6. gwen banta

    August 31, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Joe! And to think I thought you had gone AWOL – so happy to make you smile!

  7. Eric Myers

    October 22, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Thank You! I needed a good laugh! with todays market a good joke seems to make everything a little better- keep up the good work!

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