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Opinion Editorials

More Poopers, uh “Bloopers”

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Back By Popular Demand: More Agent

Bloopers You’ll Love!

Here’s the list of this week’s best bloopers, which will surely make you all go running to your Spell Czech…uh, I  mean Check:

You’ll get a great feel when you enter. (Can I get that address again?)

Need one moth to close escrow (Moth must produce tiny moth license.)

Home of the famous Rose Bowel Parade (They must think their s__t doesn’t stink!)

Enjoy the fragrance of the Cherry Bottoms (Cherry or not, I’ll pass thank you!)

High volted ceilings (For added spark, no doubt.)

Enjoy the sparkling Poo in the back yard (Only if we can smoke the grass afterward.)

Agent will work on the sellers regardless of their price. (You should get a bonus for that, girlfriend!)

New Breakfast Bra with extra storage  (How uplifting!)

Big Built-in Panty (In case the price scares your bloomers off)

Bonus toom – great for children. (Thank you, Joan Crawford.)

Agricultural tutor (At least it wasn’t a “tooter.”)

Arked doors (Can I get a break on flood insurance?)

Trial Floors (I’ll be the judge of that!)

Fully Equipped Jim (Wow – Is Jim single?)

Handicapped rump in back (I’m restraining myself here.)

Everything is hand rubbed (Is this the same place where you can get a great feel? …And is Jim involved?)

Some Great Selling Points: 

Coved ceilings & dark mold throughout (Try penicillin)

Fish in the nearby fouling river. (Third World Fish and Game Preserve for Sale?)

Kitchen nooke is not permitted (Darn! Call me anyway, Jim.)

“Nice split level located in cuddle-sac” (Don’t tell me about your cuddle-sac, tell Jim.)

Ski Resort and Slop nearby. (From the highs to the lows)

Wool burning fireplace (Did a shepherd live there?)

New crapet throughout (Apparently the shepherd DID live there!)

Naughty pine floors (Acting out due to “crapet” overload, I’m sure.)

Hardwool floors – (Someone needs to sell that shepherd a stable!)

Beautiful new sherry cabinets (For serious drinkers only.)

Pool Table Included – Husband doesn’t know yet. (Balls in side pocket?)

Stuffed heads in library available for purchase. ( How ‘bout the stuffed shirt on the couch?)

Frigideer  (Maybe “Fully Equipped Jim” can solve Deer’s problem.)

Seller notes some irregularity. (Too much information, thank you.)

Call your neighborhood realator. (Then call your Docator.)

Thank you for your patients. (Realtor by day, docator by night?)

Lowballs ignored. (That could be a serious problem – is there a docator in the house?)

Heated seller. (Agitated by lowballs I’ll bet.)

So close to freeway you can see it. (Life in the Fast lane.)

24 Hour Back Doorman ( I won’t even touch this!)

Puding Green (Puh-leeze – I can’t go there either!)

New sprinkles in back yard. (Will someone please wrangle those *!@*&^! sheep?)

Trampoline and fool not included. (Need I say more?)

Thankless Water Heater (Oy Vey! Listed by a Jewish grandmother it seems.)

And My Three Faves:

Seller will pay to Dislocate Tenant (An alternative to eviction – popular in Newark.)

Wine and Hors Ovries Served at Twilight (Booze with a hysterectomy chaser.)

House has Extra Porking space behind studio. ( Yay – Now I know where Jim lives!)

Thanks to Sotheby’s International Realty and all those eagle eyed readers who contributed. (Please accept my apologies, but there were too many to list individually.) And special thanks to the L.A.Times, The Mountain News,  and The MLS.com for unwittingly contributing to the fun. For more funny posts, check out Sherlock of Homes.com.

 

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn, LAhomesite.com, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.

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28 Comments

28 Comments

  1. Michelle DeRepentigny

    April 24, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Just because of you, I check my MLS comments on my listings every week 🙂

    Now I just need to talk someone else in to proofreading after I do, I never want to be featured in your post!

  2. Ken Brand

    April 24, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    MLS Bloobers or Blog boobsers, the bane of too fast fingers and a lighting fast “submit” stroke.

    Bunny stuff.

    kb

  3. Brandie Young

    April 24, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    LOL funny. BTW – do let us know when you find Jim!

  4. Ken Montville - The MD Suburbs of DC

    April 24, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    OMG. I’m laughing so hard my eyes are watering. Stop it! I can’t take it anymore. 🙂

  5. Gwen Banta

    April 24, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Thanks so much for your comments. I laugh each time I discover one of these beauties. A friend just called me to tell me he read an ad this week that announced a “hug price reduction” ( I guess some folks charge for a bit of affection);and another that said, “Don’t enter fenced yard – bull in back.” I can only assume it was a “pit bull,” but one never knows… I am guilty of making mistakes like that myself. I once typed “club foot tub!”

  6. Missy Caulk

    April 24, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    This is so funny…comic relief for me on Friday night. Keep um coming….

  7. Gwen Banta

    April 25, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    I’m glad you enjoyed it. If we can’t laugh at ourselves, then we need to get out of the business!

  8. Joshua Dorkin @ BiggerPockets.com

    April 25, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    Great list . . . it is just sad that this type of stuff makes it out there. Thanks for the laugh!

  9. Gwen Banta

    April 25, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    I agree, Joshua. Of course we need to remember that for a lot of people, English is a second language, and even Spell Check does not pick up everything. But perhaps a bit of proof reading would eliminate a few goofs…but then we couldn’t have nearly as much fun!

  10. Joshua Dorkin @ BiggerPockets.com

    April 25, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    Gwen – For many, English is certainly a second language, but sadly, we’re also witnessing the rapid decline of the English language as the education system breaks down and as websites like Twitter force a transition from proper use of words to shorter slang.

    That’s just my $0.02

  11. Gwen Banta

    April 25, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    10-4 on slang, im sure FittyCent would roger your 2cents cuz nothin makes sense anymo.

  12. Ken Brand

    April 26, 2009 at 6:51 am

    Gwen/Joshua – “word”

  13. Joshua Dorkin @ BiggerPockets.com

    April 26, 2009 at 8:11 am

    @ken @Gwen – Thx 4 d cmnts, yo! lol

  14. Lisa Sanderson

    April 27, 2009 at 8:41 am

    Too funny. My eyes are watering too. Forwarding to many real estate peeps right now!

  15. Paula Henry

    April 29, 2009 at 5:17 am

    Gwen – Funny, but sad you actually found this in print. I wonder if clients actually look at their listing online?

  16. Shannon Ware

    May 2, 2009 at 2:33 am

    One of my residential favorites from my MLS:

    “Garage comes complete with wench for engine removal” (her name is Brunhilde?)

  17. Matt Stigliano

    May 3, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    Gwen – I’m behind on my reading and I just got to this one. I can barely type because I’m still chuckling at this one:

    Call your neighborhood realator. (Then call your Docator.)

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Opinion Editorials

Sci-fi alert: Building cities on quantum networks becoming reality

(OPINION / EDITORIAL) The University of Bristol’s Quantum Engineering Tech Lab has created quantum networks that demonstrate the possibilities for future cities.

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Quantum network connections in theoretical city at night time.

The University of Bristol is home to the largest quantum entanglement-based computer network in the world. Its Quantum Engineering Technology Lab, led by Dr. Siddarth Joshi, has been spearheading the development of a method of encryption called Quantum Key Distribution that may soon revolutionize information security.

First, what is quantum computing, exactly? (Giving a concise answer to that question is sort of like nailing jelly to a wall, but here goes…)

Much like a light switch, a conventional computer circuit can only be in one of two states at a time: On (1) or off (0). That’s basically how binary code works – by representing information as a series of discrete on and off signals, or high and low energy states.

Quantum computing makes use of a third kind of state that exists between those two.

Think about it this way: If classical, binary computing models rely on energy states of “yes” and “no” to communicate data, quantum computing introduces a state of “maybe.” This is because at the quantum level, the photons that make up the information in a quantum computer can exist in multiple places (or energy states, if you prefer) at once – a phenomenon known as “entanglement.”

Entangled photons cannot be observed or measured (i.e., tampered with) without changing their state and destroying the information they contain. That means quantum computer networks are virtually hack proof compared to traditional networks.

This is where Dr. Joshi’s team is changing the game. While previous attempts to build a secure quantum computer network have been limited to just two machines, the QET Lab has been able to establish a quantum encrypted network between eight machines over a distance of nearly eleven miles.

As Dr. Joshi puts it, “until now, building a quantum network has entailed huge cost, time, and resource, as well as often compromising on its security which defeats the whole purpose. […] By contrast, the QET Lab’s vision is scalable, relatively cheap and, most important of all, impregnable.”

If it can be successfully scaled up further, quantum encryption has countless potential civic applications, such as providing security for voting machines, WiFi networks, remote banking services, credit card transactions, and more.

In order for an entire population to be able to utilize a quantum network, fiber optic infrastructure must first be made accessible and affordable for everyone to have in their homes. In that sense, quantum cities are still roughly two decades away, posits Dr. Joshi. The technology behind it is very nearly mature, though. A simpler application of quantum encryption is practically right around the corner – think quantum ATMs in as few as five years.

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Opinion Editorials

5 ways to grow your entrepreneur business without shaming others

(OPINION / EDITORIAL) We all need support as business owners. Let’s talk ideas for revenue growth as an entrepreneur that do not include shaming your competition.

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Entrepreneur women all talking around a meeting table.

The year 2020 has forced everyone to re-assess their priorities and given us the most uncertain set of circumstances we have lived through. For businesses and entrepreneurs, they were faced with having to confront new business scenarios quickly. Maybe your entrepreneur business was set to thrive as behaviors changed (maybe you already offered contactless products and services). Or, you were forced to add virtual components or find new revenue streams – immediately. This has been tough.

Every single person is having a hard time with the adjustments and most likely at different stages than others. We’re at the 6-month mark, and each of our timelines are going to look different. Our emotions have greeted us differently too, whether we have felt relief, grief, excitement, fear, hope, determination, or just plain exhaustion.

Now that we are participating in life a bit more virtually than in 2019, this is a good time to re-visit the pros and cons of the influence of technology and marketing outreach online. It’s also a great time to throw old entrepreneur rules out the window and create a better sense of community where you can.

Here’s an alluring article, “Now Is Not the Time for ‘Mom Shaming’”, that gives an example from about a decade ago of how the popularity of mommy bloggers grew by women sharing their parenting “hacks”, tips, or even recipes and crafting ideas via online posts and blogs. As the blog entries grew, so did other moms comparing themselves and/or feeling inadequate. Some of the responses were natural and some may have been coming from a place of defensiveness. Moms are not alone in looking for resources, articles, materials, and friends to tell us we’re doing ok. We just need to be told “You are doing fine.”

Luckily, some moms in Connecticut decided to declare an end to “Mom Wars” and created a photo shoot that shared examples of how each mom had a right to their choices in parenting. It seemed to reinforce the message of, “You are doing fine.” I don’t know about you, but my recent google searches of “Is it ok to have my 3-year old go to bed with the iPad” are pretty much destined to get me in trouble with her pediatrician. I’m hoping that during a global pandemic, “I am doing fine.”

Comparing this scenario to the entrepreneur world, often times your business is your baby. You have worn many hats to keep it alive. You have built the concept and ideas, nurtured the products and services with sweat, tears, and maybe some laughs. You have spent countless hours researching, experimenting, and trying processes and marketing tactics that work for you. You have been asked to “pivot” this year like so many others (sick of that word? Me too).

Here are some ideas for revenue growth as an entrepreneur (or at least, ideas worth considering if you haven’t already):

  1. It’s about the questions you ask yourself. How does your product or service help or serve others (vs. solely asking how do I get more customers?) This may lead to new ideas or income streams.
  2. Consider a collaboration or a partnership – even if they seem like the competition. “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” – African proverb
  3. Stop inadvertently shaming the competition by critiquing what they do. It’s really obvious on your Instagram. Try changing the narrative to how you help others.
  4. Revisit the poem All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten and re-visit it often. “And it is still true, no matter how old you are – when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.”
  5. Join a community, celebrate others’ success, and try to share some positivity without being asked to do so. Ideas include: Likes/endorsements, recommendations on LinkedIn for your vendor contacts, positive Google or Yelp reviews for fellow small business owners.

It seems like we really could use more kindness and empathy right now. So what if we look for the help and support of others in our entrepreneurial universe versus comparing and defending our different way of doing things?

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Opinion Editorials

Can we combat grind culture and injustice with a nap?

(OPINION EDITORIALS) A global pandemic and a climate of racial injustice may require fresh thinking and a new approach from what grind culture has taught us.

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Sleeping cat with plant, fighting grind culture.

Information is delivered to us at warp speed with access to television, radio, and the internet (and more specifically, social media). We are inundated with messages. Oftentimes they’re personalized by something that a friend or family shared. Other times we manage them for work, school, or just keeping up with news. Many entrepreneurs already wear many hats and burn the midnight oil.

During this global pandemic, COVID-19, we have also seen a rise in awareness and attention to social injustice and systemic racism. This is not a new concept, as we all know. But it did feel like the attention was advanced exponentially by the murder of George Floyd on Memorial Day 2020. Many people and entrepreneurs felt called to action (or at least experienced self-reflection). And yet they were working at all hours to evolve their businesses to survive. All of this happening simultaneously may have felt like a struggle while they tried to figure out exactly they can do.

There are some incredible thought leaders – and with limited time, it can be as simple as checking them out on Instagram. These public figures give ideas around what to be aware of and how to make sure you are leveling up your awareness.

Dr. Ibram X. Kendi, Director of the Center for Antiracist Research – he has been studying anti-racism and has several books and interviews that help give language to what has been happening in our country for centuries. His content also delves into why and how white people have believed they are more than people of color. Here is a great interview he did with Brené Brown on her Unlocking Us podcast.

Tamika Mallory – American activist and one of the leading organizers of the 2017 Women’s March. She has been fighting for justice to be brought upon the officers that killed Breonna Taylor on March 13. These are among other efforts around the country to push back on gun control, feminist issues, and the Black Lives Matter movement.

Brené Brown – research professor at the University of Houston and has spent the last two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She has been listening and engaging on how racism and our shame intersect. She also speaks about how people can reflect on themselves and where they can take action to better our society. She has some antiracism resources on her website.

With all of this information and the change in our daily routines and work habits (or business adjustments), what is a fresh approach or possibly a new angle that you haven’t been able to consider?

There is one social channel against grind culture that may not be as well-known. At an initial glance, you may even perceive this place as a spoof Twitter and Instagram that is just telling you to take a nap. But hold on, it’s actually much smarter than that. The description says “We examine the liberating power of naps. We believe rest is a form of resistance and reparations. We install Nap Experiences. Founding in 2016.”

It might be a great time for you to check out The Nap Ministry, inspired by Tricia Hersey. White people are called to action, and people of color are expressly told to give time to taking care of themselves. Ultimately, it goes both ways – everyone needs the time to recharge and recuperate. But people of color especially are being told to value their rest more than the grind culture. Yes, you’re being told you need to manage your mental health and include self-care in your schedule.

Through The Nap Ministry, Tricia “examines rest as a form of resistance by curating safe spaces for the community to rest via Collective Napping Experiences, immersive workshops, and performance art installations.”

“In this incredibly rich offering, we speak with Tricia on the myths of grind culture, rest as resistance, and reclaiming our imaginative power through sleep. Capitalism and white supremacy have tricked us into believing that our self-worth is tied to our productivity. Tricia shares with us the revolutionary power of rest.” They have even explored embracing sleep as a political act.

Let this allow you to take a deep breath and sigh – it is a must that you take care of yourself to take care of your business as well as your customers and your community. And yes, keep your drive and desire to “get to work”. But not at your expense for the old grind culture narrative.

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