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Sell It or Smell It – MLS Pandemonium

Ah, yes, folks – it was a great 4th with sunshine, bar-be-ques, brewskies, and enough grammar and spelling pandemonium on the MLS to set off fireworks. These are the best of the bunch – a metaphorical fireworks grand finale, full of shock and awe!

Hold Onto Your Shorts!

“Include Shorts in clean Package” (Hey pervert sniffer-boy, get your own skivvies!)

“Shunny new kichen with barr” ( Shomeone’s shnockered on schnapps…)

“Yard with lots of sum” (Dim sum and then some.)

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“Pool with sin deck – very nice!” (Uh, methinks a pool with sin deck is considered VICE.)

“Will look at offers from non-prophets first” (Oh, honey, you must sell real estate in Malibu…)

“Near park with many haking trails” (Calling Lizzie Borden…your hatchet is ready.)

“Living room with panasonic views” (Is it bright and Sony, too?)

It Always Leads Back to Jersey…

 “Cooler comes with house” (Uh, if this is the Jersey hitman kind of cooler, then we’ve finally located uncle Vito.)

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“New Homeowners Assascionation” (Hey Uncle Vito, business must be booming!)

“Leaded gass in lawyer’s library stays”  (Yeah, that smell does tend to linger…)

“State o  f art alarm” (Is it hooked up in the Lawyer’s Library?)

“Murial on wall in dining area” (Murial’s husband in San Quentin doing One Hundred to Life…with Uncle Vito’s driver.)

“All clash is preferred” (This will come as good news to Charlie Sheen, Sean, Mel, Lindsay, that guy who threw his shoe at Bush….)

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“Call if you want to lean more” (Or take Boniva if you want to lean less.)

 And For the Fireworks Finale:

“House only looking for new pain” (If it has an ass, look there.)

Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn, LAhomesite.com, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.

15 Comments

15 Comments

  1. Lani Rosales

    July 9, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Gwen, this is hysterical! First you said package, then you mention Jersey- this is GOLD right here, people! 🙂

  2. Matt Stigliano

    July 9, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Some might say “oh this is easy, you just find mistakes in the MLS and print them,” but it takes someone with Gwen’s sharp tongue and even sharper wit to write the side notes. It’s a shame she has this writing job, but I hope for my sake, our industry keeps making these mistakes – I need a good laugh once in awhile.

  3. Gwen Banta

    July 9, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    Thank you dear, Lani – my twisted mind had a field day with this week’s crop of malapropisms and typos. I secretly hope the MLS madness never stops!

  4. Gwen Banta

    July 9, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Matt, you are too kind. And your contributions always provide fodder for my blog – thank you! My twisted mind is a product of my upbringing: New York born, New Jersey for High School, Italian neighborhood, Irish on one side of the family, boozers, anarchists, eccentrics, agoraphobics, collegians and carnies, crackpots and crazies. And one sword swallower for good measure. With a background like that, one HAS to have a sense of humor! If I were to write my autobiography, it would completely undermine the Witness Protection Program 🙂

  5. Cristina H. Garcia, Realtor

    July 20, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Hi Gwen Banta! I just read some of your funny writings that u have taken from the MLS. U know I have made mistakes on some of my listings, but I go back and correct them that same day. This is great clean humor. I don’t think u will run out of material. I hope I find your site again. I was searching for church property and came across your blog. Go figure. My Dad and I r waiting for r car cuz the brakes r not working. And we r in the shop waiting for the job to be completed. Good think I got a laptop and oh yeah my bbb to get connected to the internet. Yeah some of us make spelling mistakes, but U got to hand it to us we got the material for u to make fun of the MLS listings. BRING IT ON!!! IT IS ALL GOOD… I AM ON FACEBOOK TOO.

  6. Gwen Banta

    July 20, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Cristina, I am happy to have provided some reading material while you were stuck in the shop. It’s also good to know you got your brakes fixed before moving on. Of course, we don’t use brakes here in L.A. – we just use the car in front of us as a stopping device. It saves on brake pads 🙂

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