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Real Estate For the Dazed & Confused


There was another rash of typos in the MLS and property ads this week that I collected for your entertainment. These descriptions can provide hours of fun. We Realtors are such a saucy group – I think we should take this show on the road. We can open for Ozzy Osbourne. He can hardly talk, and we can hardly spell. We’ll bill ourselves as “Dazed and Confused.” Who’s on board?

Let The Show Begin:

Lushs back yard (Did you hear that, Uncle Timothy?)

House in movement condition (It’s enough to scare the crap out of you.)

Great Shit Pay Opp. (Another house in “movement” condition.)

Dog pack nearby (A new form of Neighborhood Watch.)

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Vertical blonds (Horizontal after a few drinks.)

HOA covers water, trash, pest and pubic areas. (Just not pests in the pubic area.)

Pottery kild in shed (Psycho hiding in attic.)

New styptic (Because the purchase will bleed you dry.)

New draimage needs inspection. (Brain draimage is likely diagnosis.)

Bask in the hot sin by the pool. (An age-old Hollywood tradition.)

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Lakefront with swim area marked by boubys. (Yeah, a good set sure can float.)

Act Two – Dazed and Confused

Fished tankd above bar (Uncle Timothy tanked under bar.)

New House on Large woodie lot (Recently erected, I presume.)

Low HO dues (Do they now have a club?)

Seller’s equipment not for sale (She didn’t pay her HO dues.)

Serving food and drunks (Uncle Timothy, did you get that address?)

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Amazing view from top of hell (I think I’ve seen that view.)

Wet bra in rec room. (Rack bra in lingerie drawer.)

Owner decreased (Death by steam roller)

Bath with 2 heads in shower (Agent with 2 feet in mouth.)

The Show Continues in Spite of the Hecklers:

Near Manhattan Chatter School (A training ground for ladies of The View.)

House sits on large pot (So does Uncle Timothy after a bender.)

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Drip into the sparkling pool. (Tetracycline anyone?)

Gardener with new drip line (Keep him away from the pool.)

Minutes to Pork and Ride (Is that a strip club…on a large woodie lot?)

Large Guest hose (Nope, not going there.)

Secure, privates & in a convent location. (Yep – Nuns demand those privates stay corralled.)

Great neighborhood – check out the cops. (Should I also do a “drive-by”?)

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Long hellway separates kids from master (At last, a well planned house!)

And Now, the Curtain Call:

Move in by summer and enjoy the lick. (I bet this house sells fast.)

Thanks to all who contributed from all over the country.  Special thanks to my colleagues and friends at Sotheby’s International Realty, Coldwell Banker, and Nelson Shelton, as well as to the, LA Times and the MLS for their unwitting contributions. For more fun and frolic, please visit

Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Joe Loomer

    June 19, 2009 at 11:23 am

    Thank the Lord I saw “Gwen Banta” and put my coffee 10 feet away before I started reading. No new monitor for once!

    Caught these beauties on our MLS:

    Fux marble counters (another Hollywood tradition?)

    Jack and Jill bathe up (after being in that woodie lot, I would too)

    Thanks for getting me up laughing again, Gwen!

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride!

  2. Gwen Banta

    June 19, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    Joe, I’m going to have to consult with you on my next post. I love your twisted wit!

  3. Gwen Banta

    June 19, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    Hey Benn – I am so green at this that I don’t even know what a tinyurl is. Is that a small guy named Url? (I dated a guy named Hurl.) Or a guy named Url with a small…

  4. Matt Stigliano

    June 20, 2009 at 12:28 am

    Gwen – Every time I read one of these, I wonder who these agents are. I want to know what they’re like, what they do when they’re not writing poorly spelled descriptions, how well they do as agents, who buys their homes…so many things I just sit and imagine. Then my head starts to hurt and I need to run away.

    One of my L.A. agents could barely put a sentence together she was so quiet and meek. That was a great pick there, Stigliano. Needless to say she didn’t last. My next one, well let’s just say we didn’t air freshener for weeks after she did an open house. I don’t know if that perfume was expensive, but I sure hope it was – would have at least justified the mountain of cash I handed her after doing most of the work myself (is it common for sellers in L.A. to have to call the escrow company to get information instead of their agent?…didn’t think so).

    You live in the weirdest place on earth. I guess I shouldn’t mock you for it. I spent 8 years in weirdness there and without a real job either (music is not a real job no matter how successful you are). I miss it some days, but coming here reading your article gives me a little taste of what I loved about living on Yucca and Wilcox.

  5. Paula Henry

    June 20, 2009 at 1:01 am

    Gwen – you never disappoint! who ever thought the MLS could replace the funnies section of the newspaper 🙂

  6. Gwen Banta

    June 20, 2009 at 2:12 am

    Yeah, it’s pretty weird here, Matt. However, as much as I love the sport of dissing L.A. (and there’s SOOOO much material), it’s still a great place to be. And a lot of my material has been submitted from elsewhere in the country. I guess the base line is that there are good and bad agents everywhere.

    I have learned a lot from some of the best in the business here, and I’ve experienced side-splitting laughter from a few of the rest. My first agent here (before I was licensed) drove me into a tree while applying her lipstick. Another male agent I know calls everyone “sport” every 10 seconds and reeks of Listerine. And one of my faves is the guy at a competing brokerage who always has a sweaty upper lip. Hmmmm…

    I have a lot of friends in the music industry, and that’s a strange world indeed. (Yucca and Wilcox – wow – I go by there almost every day.) One of my friends in that business is in a huge band. He told me that life flips upside down when a guy like him (he’s got great values) goes “from trying to get girls into bed to trying to get them out of your bed.”

    I don’t have his problem in the real estate business. But it does remind me that I live in Oz. I just try to remember to keep my mouth closed when some client’s kid says “Why don’t you have a private jet, like Mommy?” But one of these days I will reply, “I work with my clothes on, you little monster. Now shut up and finish your martini.”

  7. Gwen Banta

    June 20, 2009 at 2:15 am

    Hi Paula – The more I look, the more I find. Read the ads in your local paper sometime when you’re bored. It’s like “Where’s Waldo” for me now as I try to spot the bloopers. I have actually found a few I cannot even post because they are sooooo wrong!

  8. Dennis Pease

    June 20, 2009 at 2:36 am

    Now that I’ve lifted myself up from the floor and wiped away the tears I’m able to say, that is the most hilarious piece I’ve read in a while. I’m going to have to start saving those from the MLS when I see them now.

  9. Gwen Banta

    June 20, 2009 at 3:38 am

    Send me anything you find, Dennis. We need to share the love.

  10. Dennis Pease

    June 20, 2009 at 3:42 am

    I certainly will Gwen…. Off to the MLS. 🙂

  11. Gwen Banta

    June 20, 2009 at 3:57 am

    Incidentally, I’m thinking of using Ozzy’s photo as my own from now on. He’s too confused to notice, and I think his look serves as a brilliant editorial comment on my chosen career…

  12. Matt Stigliano

    June 20, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    I work with my clothes on, you little monster. Now shut up and finish your martini.

    This gets my vote for “best humorous quote in AG comments for 2009”. Yes, I know 2009 is not over, but if someone can beat it, they have some time to wrack their brains.

  13. Kim Curran

    June 20, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    Love your posts Gwen.

  14. Diane Guercio

    June 21, 2009 at 2:40 am

    Absolutely hysterical! Saw a serious comment in one MLS posting once: PLEASE- show this dog! I was tempted to preview it just to say I did (pass that Tetracycline, please).

  15. Gwen Banta

    June 21, 2009 at 3:39 am

    Thanks, Matt. I think I used the same line on my ex-husband.

  16. Gwen Banta

    June 21, 2009 at 3:41 am

    Thanks, Kim. Next week’s post is really twisted, so stick around 🙂

  17. Gwen Banta

    June 21, 2009 at 3:46 am

    That’s hysterical, Diane. I once read an Agent’s Remarks that said, “House doesn’t look good, but it’s good under the walls” (a line I intend to use often now that I am aging). I wonder if that optimistic agent ever got any showings…

  18. Cameron Novak

    June 21, 2009 at 4:30 am

    Well done Gwen. Great commentary.

    I work with a brokerage by the name of: The Homefinding Center

    I recently noticed that I sent a client an email and missed the letter M.

    It said,
    “The Hoefinding Center”
    Corona Real Estate

  19. Gwen Banta

    June 21, 2009 at 5:06 am

    Now that is refreshing – an agent who actually admits making typos! When other agents tell me about them, they somehow always credit them to some other poor sap. I am as guilty as the next guy. Once I did not notice that Autofill filled in my name so that it read, “Green Banana.” So much for proofreading.

  20. Matt Stigliano

    June 21, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    Green Banana – I like it. If you think next’s week’s post will be “really twisted” you can be assured I’ll be coming back. Hopefully I can remain out of your posts, but then again, I thought I could stay out of Chris Griffith’s too.

  21. Gwen Banta

    June 21, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    You can run, Stigliano, but you can’t hide…

  22. Louise Scoggins

    June 22, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    Gwen, you write the funniest posts!! I love reading them! I type very fast but I am notorious for typos so I constantly have to read and re-read things. I don’t want to end up on someone’s blog!! I can’t wait to read next week’s twisted post…LOL

  23. Gwen Banta

    June 24, 2009 at 12:18 am

    Oh please don’t proofread TOO much, Louise. Where will I get my material? Besides, I am the world’s worst typissed 🙂

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