Ahhhh, yes…2009 was a very long year. Many of us were bruised and battered, and a few even required tourniquets. Some of you discovered Primal Screaming, while others dipped into the occasional Prozac Cocktail. There were smiles in between the hard knocks, and even a few whoops of delight, but overall, the year tested the patience of most every real estate agent I know.
Thus, I, “L.A.’s Sherlock of Homes,” am going public with my 12 resolutions for a better year (one for every month of course.) Maybe if I state them aloud I’ll have a better chance of keeping them:
I promise not to bitch-slap the 25 year old starlet who is buying a 3 million dollar Malibu pad and wants me to lower my commission so she can buy a, $8k Viosky couch. Okay, “promise” is a strong word. How ‘bout “resolve”? Forget it, the kid is still getting one upside the head.
I will never again say, “Hey, I can strip wall paper!” just to convince a buyer that the ugly cow print in the bathroom should not deter her from making an offer. Okay, I lied. I’ll probably do it again. I may even promise to re-roof the house if someone will hold the ladder.
Granted, I’m not off to a good start, but let’s try again. Okay, I will not be frustrated and deflated if the market takes another surge into Dante’s Inferno. (I know I can keep this resolution – my uncle Vito owns a bar where I can get free booze if I need to medicate.)
Okay, I’m getting into this now. I resolve to not laugh at my six foot tall, Barbie doll buyer with the painted on capris when she bends over to test the water temperature in the pool, splits her breeches and falls into the deep end….even when her wig comes off and gets tangled in the automatic pool sweeper. Okay, I can’t stop lying. If it happens again, I’ll probably laugh until I cry.
I will not think homicidal thoughts when, on the eighth counter, my buyer refuses to budge if the seller will not throw the bloody Plasma into the deal. I think I can, I think I can I think I can….
Nope, he’s dead.
I resolve to cheerfully clean the seller’s house every time we have an open house (even though he has a cleaning person) because my heart is big and I understand the pressures of surfing all day. Really. Honest. Com’on – give a sister a break – I’m trying
Nope. He’s dead, too.
I won’t kick my friend into December when she tries to steal my client at a cocktail party. I’ll kick her into 2011 in the parking lot.
I will let my buyer bring her dog on house hunts, even though the crazy canine tore up the leather on my new Lexus. ($1214). However, this time I will tape the dog’s paws to its head just before I tazer the owner.)
I resolve to learn more about SEO, all of Gates’ new products, and all the computer stuff that requires a Rosetta Stone if you are as thick as I am. Ah, who am I kidding? No I won’t. My IQ won’t support anything more complicated than lipstick. So I resolve to study all the new products from Revlon.
I will try to make a better dry martini. And I’ll practice all year. (Yay – I think I found a resolution I can keep!)
I will not covet the lavish goodies I see everyday in the gazillion dollar Hollywood Hills homes I tour.
I will steal them.
How am I doing? Hmmm…I just re-read my resolutions and it seems I am weak and hopelessly flawed. I also see a trend toward violence and debauchery. Thus, I will resolve just to enjoy myself and do the best I can not to wake up in the back of a police car. This is Hollywood, folks – I’m doing well just to stay out of re-hab. Oh wait – I just discovered a new business plan – maybe I can pick up some buyers at Promises!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
“House has spark” – burning up the MLS with typos and other bloopers
The year is starting a march toward its natural ending, friends…and it seems a few real estate careers may be also. This week I found some real head-scratchers in local real estate ads and the MLS. However, I get submissions from all over the U.S., so no one is safe from the eyes of the Blooper Scooper. Check out these blunders:
Do You Smell Smoke?
“House has spark” (Apparently your real estate career isn’t the only thing going up in smoke.)
“Big pep area in kitchen” (Is that the cookie jar where Mommy Dearest stashes her uppers?)
“Dull Viking ovens” (Methinks there’s something in the cookie jar that will perk up those dull Vikings.)
“Large greenhose in back” (Large, naked Jolly Green Giant in yard.)
“Mush added to this house” (Was that the overflow from between your ears?)
I Think I See Flames
“Beautifully remolded guest” (Another cosmetically-altered Barbie hits the Hollywood party circuit.)
“Enjoy a drink poolslide” ( Hell, if the pool is sliding, I’ll need a whole pint of Jack.)
“Each bedroom has own bedrooom” (Hello-o-o, Alice, how are things down there in the rabbit hole?)
“Separate pod to build GH” (That should please my pea-sized buyers.)
“Play room for the kiss” (Something tells me this is the back seat of a ’67 Chevy.)
“Ideal for gusts” (That’s great…if you want to live in a wind sock.)
“Impaccably detailed” (Incredibly challenged)
“Stylish pewder room” (Try burning a match.)
“Stone pillars flake driveway” (Flakey agent got stoned in driveway.)
Nothing But Embers (This Week’s Fave):
“From a bygone error” (You have just written your own epitaph.)
“New bd pans inc” – Making a Splash on the MLS
I have two things to say this week: 1. When you drink, you can’t think. 2. When you drink you can’t- … uh, what was I saying? Oh, yes – the MLS. It was so full of bloopers this week that I am led to conclude that happy hour started Monday and never stopped. Read these and tell me if it is any wonder I was driven to throw back a few martinis myself:
Booze ‘N’ Fools
“Free membership to gin inc” (It seems someone else beat us to it, Martini Mary.)
“Grab now use imagination” (That’s what Arnold said to his housekeeper.)
“House has new edition” (Agent lacks erudition.)
“Babblying broke runs in back” (Bumbling buffoon runs amuck.)
“Drop by for cocktail ho” (Oh, is the Sunset Strip for sale?)
Puff ‘N’ Stuff
“Near Sacramento airpot” (I believe his name is Jerry Brown.)
“Claw me for selling” (I’m too busy clawing my eyes out over your spelling.)
“Reduction on mid-century ner Holywod” (Another mid-sixties porn star is looking for work.)
“We can sake your home” (Can I get fried rice with my sake?)
Proof or Goof
“Nice streem” (Said Grandma to Grandpa after his diaper exploded.)
“Nice for dog kids” (Uh, they’re called ‘puppies,” pal.)
“New bd pans included” (Thank you, Nurse Nancy – can you warm those first?)
“Good stable in neighborhood.” (Have you contacted Mary and Joseph?)
“Drawing for plasma” (Is this a blood-bank?)
And This Week’s Winner Is:
“Good school in areola” (Thanks for keeping me abreast of things.)
PROOF OR GOOF, FRIENDS – I’M WATCHING EWE 🙂
My secret office organization tip – Sharpies and tape
If you’re still practicing to be OCD, here is a secret I don’t typically share with anyone, but I’m willing to share with you today…
I used to be obsessed with the P-touch machine. I labeled everything. Drawers, shelves, folders, canisters, and anything that I could think of putting a label on.
But the label makers weren’t as pretty as my own handwriting and didn’t come in every color a Sharpie does, so I got the brilliant idea one day to write in light blue sharpie in my beautiful handwriting on clear tape, placed neatly on the shelves in the pantry. Visitors thought I had written on the cabinets, “what if you have to move things?” they asked. “It’s just tape, look!” I said as if I was performing a complicated magic trick.
Not just shelves!
It’s great to use this tip on files and folders so you can reuse them (especially if you have custom files or designer files), on drawers at the bottom of each section where pens and tape goes, and especially in the break room.
No more label maker, no more refill cartridges and no more mess, especially someone else’s mess! Trust me, this is an OCD person’s dream organizing tip!
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