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The Lost Innocence..

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Lost innocence

Caution: This entire diatribe is a paradox, in and of itself.

At one time I thought I was the king of hyperbole and cynicism. Then…I began reading real estate blogs. When I first started reading, I thought ‘WOW, look at all this great information.’ At some point I feel that what I’ve been reading has crossed from being informative to pushing the limit of “freedom of expression.” It’s like some folks are just on search and destroy missions.

Sometimes it’s like I am watching the evening news out of Washington D.C. when I open my blog reader anymore. All the cheating, the politics and the scandals that are laid out in the posts are very gloom and doom to the point of depressing.

It seems every time I open certain blogs, it’s just one blogger attacking another, for attacking another and so on… Yes, I know writing a negative post about negative posts is almost as redundant and hypocritical as one blogger attacking another for their opinion or to be attacked by another for attacking someone else… (see where I’m going with this? ….it’s cyclical….)

The funny thing is that I’ve added a lot of these blogs because they are exceptional writers and have incredible talent. I want to see more of that and less of the ‘shock jock’ mentality that a lot of us (including myself) have attempted. Yes, I know all too well that only negative rhetoric tends to get folks to come back and comment. Yes, it builds Google juice when you really stir the pot and get your “enemies” (as if to say someone you disagree with must be your sworn enemy) to come back to your blog and argue with you.

I’ve found some great friends through the social media venues and find most of them very friendly. Once in awhile, I’ll hear them chatting on Twitter or other apps and say “hey, that’s a really nice guy/gal”; then only to go read their blog and it’s full of venom. That’s ok, it’s their release and their ability to express themselves, but sometimes, I don’t want to be depressed after reading a post. I don’t want to be angry at NAR or whoever the rant is against that week.

So finding bloggers who are writing posts of value and substance is sometime hard.

Here are a list of my favorite writers (I have others I like, but these are my favorites) and I go out of my way to read whatever I can find from them…

Teresa Boardman

Mariana Wagner

Jim Duncan

Lani Anglin-Rosales

Benn Rosales

Jay Thompson

Russell Shaw

Daniel Rothamel

Frank LLosa

If you read these folks, you know that they can be very creative and challenging, without necessarily attacking another person. I respect these folks, because I feel that I could disagree and could still be respected as a person.

Professionalism and respect are critical elements to being credible. I’ve seen some very good writers get dropped from readers quickly, because of their “mean” streak. I am not necessarily making a plea to be Mary Poppins, but if you’re going to disagree be respectful, if you’re going to rant about an issue, try to give a possible resolution.

I think it’s a reasonable request. I know I don’t get it right all the time, but I am thankful to those who have grace with me while I work it all out!

In the interim I am hoping that we can all do a little bit better about writing meaningful and informative posts, and spend a little less time dwelling on all the negative. Almost anyone can complain, only a few can educate and inform others well.

If you want to meet a great group of bloggers and real estate professionals, follow my friends on Twitter. You can find my profile HERE.

Matthew Rathbun is a Virginia Licensed Broker and Director of Professional Development for Coldwell Banker Elite, in Fredericksburg Virginia. He has opened and managed real estate firms, as well as coached and mentored agents and Brokers. As a Residential REALTOR®, Matthew was a high volume agent and past REALTOR® Rookie of the Year & Virginia Association Instructor of the Year. You can follow him on Twitter as "MattRathbun" and on Facebook. Matthew's blog is TheAgentTrainer.com.

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18 Comments

18 Comments

  1. Mariana

    March 18, 2008 at 7:04 pm

    Wow. Thank you for including me on your list. I am right there with you when you say: “I know I don’t get it right all the time, but I am thankful to those who have grace with me while I work it all out!” … I am always learning…

  2. Daniel Rothamel

    March 18, 2008 at 7:30 pm

    I know exactly how you feel, sometimes. Basketball does the same thing to me a few times during the season.

    I am honored to be included amongst such fine company.

  3. Lani Anglin-Rosales

    March 18, 2008 at 7:49 pm

    You know, blogging is full of extremely passionate people and even if you’re a big person, it can be difficult not to express passion, even if it’s negative. We fight for what we believe in and for whatever reason (for me, it’s faith, for others it may be purely business PR) we *must* heed your advice and not cross the line too far!

    Thanks for including me in the list- Benn’s really my better half and has led many of us to the greener grass!

  4. Jim Duncan

    March 18, 2008 at 8:14 pm

    Passion is a difficult thing – to reign in and express – and the fact that I personally feel that about such often-seemingly insignificant things such as change in our profession confounds me. I am grateful and humbled that you include me in the above list. Thank you.

  5. Ines

    March 18, 2008 at 8:32 pm

    I love to be able to healthily disagree with someone knowing that a good discussion will begin instead of bashing. And a sense of humor is difficult to put down on paper and all on your list have achieved it.

  6. Matthew Rathbun

    March 18, 2008 at 9:20 pm

    Holy bananas bat-girl (@LaniAR) I completely had Benn on the draft but evidentially didn’t save and come back. Who couldn’t respect a blogger who puts a pix of his wife getting a medical treatment!?!?! Yes, Mr. AG is very much on my fav list and I’ve added him to the post.

    Jim, I agree that passion can sometimes come across different than we intended. When 70% of communication is body language, we have to be careful with how the other 30% comes across. I’ve never felt you were irreverent, but that come from agreeing with you most of the time.

    Ines… unfortunately my humor comes across as snarky, even when I don’t at all want it to. BTW aren’t you suppose to be working on your PR for your adult site?

    Daniel, sports can be used for just about any allegory, can’t they? I swear, I never got enhancement drugs from my best friend who testified that I did…

    Mizzle, I think you do more teaching (as opposed to learning) than you know!

    Thanks to all for commenting!

  7. Russell Shaw

    March 19, 2008 at 1:05 am

    Sorry, Matthew – now I am going to have to attack you for saying something in this post I disagree with! 🙂

  8. Teresa Boardman

    March 19, 2008 at 3:30 am

    Thanks so much for the compliment. Now you need to get the “h” out of my name. 🙂

  9. Mike Farmer

    March 19, 2008 at 5:09 am

    Dang, I didn’t make the list. Oh well, I have something to strive for. When you’re 976 you try harder.

  10. Blue Ridge Cabin Rentals

    March 19, 2008 at 5:10 am

    I think the current economy and situation of housing crisis allows us all to look for blame and I know I have added alot of political comments on blogs. Thanks for the kick in the pants to remind us of whats really important.

  11. Bill Lublin

    March 19, 2008 at 6:13 am

    Matthew I don’t see a paradox – When I was taught math they told me that two negatives make a positive – And this post is certainly that – As a newer participant in this venue thanks for pointing me to some of the places you think have value –

    Blue Ridge; To right that when things are hard we can too wasily fall into the “blame game” even though that only makes it harder to stay positive – but if you guys wil take it from someone who has seen a few recessions from the street – the survivors come through the trial tempered and with additional strength-

  12. Bill Lublin

    March 19, 2008 at 6:17 am

    So I just learned that the danger of typing and submitting without proffing is that you might appear incomprehensible –
    My first goof in the comment above was that it might not indicate how positive I felt Matthew’s post was – So I really wanted to clear that up – I thought the post was great –

    The second error was that “we can too wasily (easily) fall into the blame game” –
    Hope y’all will forgive me for an error that I think is wasily made! 🙂

  13. Matthew Rathbun

    March 19, 2008 at 6:19 am

    Russell, I’m sorry… You don’t agree that you’re a good writer? 🙂

    Teresa… well, if you’d spell it like I expect you to, then I wouldn’t have this issue! That’s what I get for putting you at the top of the list – you prima-donna

    Mike that’s ok, I wouldn’t make my own list!

  14. Mike Farmer

    March 19, 2008 at 6:52 am

    “Mike that’s ok, I wouldn’t make my own list!”

    Unfortunately, I have to read my own stuff.

  15. Cyndee Haydon

    March 19, 2008 at 7:42 am

    Matt – great list and I have to agree – I find I don’t even visit the sites that attack others – like others said we all make mistakes however why demean the person in the process. Enjoying you on twitter too!

  16. Matthew Rathbun

    March 19, 2008 at 7:51 am

    Bill – I knew what you were saying… But, I’ll admit that had to Wikipedia “wasily” 🙂

  17. Jay Thompson

    March 19, 2008 at 9:15 am

    Well thanks for the inclusion in that lofty list of names. What an honor!

    “Shock jock” writing (and attitude) “works” for getting traffic. Look how rich Howard Stern is. But there is a lot more to life than traffic, comments, links, whatever.

    Great post Matthew!

  18. Dru Bloomfield

    March 23, 2008 at 6:11 am

    Matthew, I didn’t “discover” you, until I dipped my toe into Twitter, and now reading this post, I see I’ve been missing a lot. I appreciate your perspective.

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Opinion Editorials

Basic tips on how to handle common (and ridiculous) interview questions

(EDITORIAL) There will always be off the wall questions in an interview, but what is the point of them? Do interviewers expect quick, honest, or deep and thought out answers?

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interview

We’ve all been asked (or know of friends who have been) some ridiculous interview questions:

  • What type of fruit would you be in a smoothie and why?
  • If you were stuck on a deserted island, what is one item that you couldn’t live without?
  • Could you tell us a joke?

Sound familiar? You may have worried about stumbling in your response, but the reality is, you will receive questions in an interview that you may not know the answer to. Many of us sweat bullets preparing for interviews, trying to think through every possible scenario and every question we might be asked. Usually the hardest part about these questions is simply that you cannot prepare for them. So how do you approach questions like these?

First and foremost, you have to be comfortable with the uncomfortable and do your best to answer them in the moment. Interviewers are not expecting you to know the answer to these question. Instead, they are literally looking to see how you handle yourself in a situation where you may not know the answer. Would you answer with the first thing that comes to mind? Would you ask for more information or resources? What is your thought process and justification for answering this question? Please know that how you answer this particular question is not usually a deal-breaker, but how you handle yourself can be.

Now, with more common questions, even though some can  still feel ridiculous, you have the opportunity to practice.

“What are your strengths and weaknesses?”

They want to be able to see that you have confidence and know your strengths – but also that you are human and recognize where you may have areas of improvement, as well as self-awareness. This isn’t a trick question per se, but it is an important one to think through how you would answer this in a professional manner.

If you’re not feeling super confident or know how to answer the strength question, it may be worth asking your friends and family what they think. What areas of business or life do they feel comfortable coming to ask you about? Were there subjects in school or work projects that you picked up really quickly? This may help identify some strengths (and they can be general like communication or project management.) One great way to delve in to your strengths is to take the CliftonStrengths Test.

“Your CliftonStrengths themes are your talent DNA. They explain the ways you most naturally think, feel and behave.” It gives you your top 5 strengths (unique to you), as well as a detailed report on how those work together and amongst groups. Per the research from Gallup, they say time is better spent on growing your strengths than trying to overcome your weaknesses.

The thing with the “What is your weakness?” question is that you cannot say things like “I really cannot get up in the morning!” or “I absolutely hate small talk!” – even though those may be true for you. They are looking for a more thoughtful answer demonstrating your self-awareness and desire to grow and learn.

They know you’re human, but the interviewer is looking for what you’re doing to address your weakness. An example of a response may be, “I have struggled with advanced formulas in Excel, but have made sure to attend regular workshops and seek out opportunities to practice more functionality so that I can improve in this area”. Another example might be, “I have a very direct type of communication style and I have learned that sometimes, I need to let the other person share and speak more before I jump to a decision.” Many times you can also find some great insights in self-assessment tests too (like DISC, Myers-Briggs, Enneagram for examples).

“Why do you want to work for this company?”

Let’s be real. Companies want people that want to work there. They want you to be interested in their products/service because that usually means you will be a happier employee. You should be able to answer this question by doing some company research, (if any) drawing from your personal experience with the company, or getting “insider insight” from a friend or colleague who works there and can help you understand more about what it’s like to be employed by that company.

“Where do you see yourself in five years?”

All companies have goals and plans to make progress. They ask this question to see if you, a potential future employee, will have goals that align with theirs. Jokingly, we are all curious about how people answered this question back in 2015…but in all seriousness, it is worth asking yourself and thinking through how this company or role aligns with your future goals. This question is similar to the weaknesses question in that you still have to remain professional. You don’t want to tell them that you want to work there so you can learn the ins/outs to then go start your own (competitive) company.

Take a few minutes to think about what excites you about this job, how you can grow and learn there, and maybe one piece of personal (hope to adopt a dog, travel to India, buy a home) but it doesn’t have to be anything super committal.

When it comes to behavioral interview questions, these are also much easier to prepare for. You can take out your resume, review your experience, and write out 3 examples for the following scenarios:

    • Handled a difficult person or situation
    • Decided steps (or pulled together resources) to figure out a problem/solution that was new to your team or organization
    • Brought a new idea to the table, saved expenses and/or brought in revenue – basically how you made a positive impact on the organization

These are very common questions you’ll find in an interview, and while interviewers may not ask you exactly those questions verbatim, if you have thought through a few scenarios, you will be better conditioned to recall and share examples (also looking at your resume can trigger your memory). Bring these notes with you to the interview if that makes you feel more comfortable (just don’t bring them and read them out loud – use it as a refresher before the interview starts).

Practicing is the best way to prepare, but there’s always a chance that you’ll get a question you might not know the answer to. Do your research and consider asking friends (or family) about how they’ve handled being in a similar situation. Ultimately,  you have to trust yourselves that you will be able to rise to the occasion and answer to the best of your ability, in a professional manner.

Whatever you do, please also have questions prepared for your interviewers. This is a great opportunity to help you decide if this is a right fit for you (projects, growth opportunity, team dynamics, management styles, location/travel, what they do for the company/what are they proud of/how did they choose to work here). Never waste it with “Nope, I’m good” as that can leave a bad final impression.

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Opinion Editorials

Be yourself, or be Batman? A simple trick to boost your self-confidence

(OPINION / EDITORIAL) “If you can’t be yourself, be Batman.” We’ve heard it before, but is there a way that this mentality can actually give you self-confidence?

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Batman symbol has long been a way to boost self-confidence.

The joke with scary movies is that the characters do stupid things, and so you scream at them. No you dumdums, don’t go FURTHER into the murder circus. Put down the glowing idol of cursed soda gods and their machine gun tempers. Stop it with the zombie dogs. STOP IT WITH THE — WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?

We do this as the audience because we’re removed from the scene. We’re observing, birds eye view imbued ducklings, on our couches, and with our snacks. Weird trick for horror movies to play — makes us feel smart, because we’re not the ones on meat hooks.

But if a zombie crashed through our window, like RIGHT NOW, the first thing we’re going to do doesn’t matter, because that thing is going to be stupid. So so stupid. You can’t believe how stupid you’ll act. Like, “I can’t leave behind my DONUT” stupid, as a zombie chomps your arm that was reaching for a bear claw you weren’t even really enjoying to begin with. “Oh no my DOCUMENTS I can’t leave without my DOCUMENTS.”

There’s a layer of distinction between those two instances — removed versus immersed. And really, this colors a lot of our life. Maybe all of our life. (Spoiler: It is all of our life.)

It’s Imposter Syndrome in overdrive — the crippling thought that you’re going to fail and be found out. And you tell yourself that all the little missteps and mistakes and mis…jumps are entirely your fault. Feedback loops reiterates, and then you get paralyzed. And man, what a time to be alive — what with the world on fire — to start up a self-deprecation engine shame machine. No way our self-confidence is suffering now, right?

The point is: You — as a being — experiencing things first hand is the perfect time to see your shortcomings. You can’t help but do it. You are living in your skeleton meat mecha human suit, and all the electronics in your head strangely remember all the times you struggled. And weirdly, if you look at someone else in the exact same situation you were just in, you suddenly have this powerful insight and awareness. It happens naturally. It’s why you think I would never head on down to the basement in a creepy mansion. Watch any cooking competition show to see this in action. Armchair quarterbacks, hindsight 2020. It’s all the same.

But when it’s just you and you’re doing things in real time? You lose focus, you stumble, and you wonder why it’s suddenly so hard to make rice, or why you fell for the really obvious fake punt.

So where does that leave you? How do you solve this problem? There are ways. But the journey is arduous and hectic and scary and difficult. Time tempers your soul over and over, you harden in ways that build you up, and you become better. The process is ages old.

I bet you’d like at least… I dunno, there’s gotta be a small trick, right? Life has secrets. Secrets exist. Secrets are a thing. Let’s talk about one to boost your self-confidence.

Stop seeing things in first person, and instead, talk to yourself in the third person. Yes, just like George did in that episode of Seinfeld. Don’t say, “I need to finish the project today.” Say “Bob needs to finish the project today.” If your name is Bob, I mean. Substitute in your name. In effect, you are distancing yourself from the situation at hand, as you begin to view it from outside yourself.

Studies have shown that doing this causes a fascinating side effect — an odd insulating barrier that can give someone just enough distance from the problem at hand, which in turn lets someone more calmly examine the situation. Once that is achieved, a plan can be written and executed with great results.

There’s some research demonstrating this concept, and as truly crazy as it sounds, marked improvement in behavior has been measured when participants are told to think of themselves as a different person. It’s like the “fake it ’til you make it” principle — suddenly you’re sort of cheering on this other person, because you want them to succeed. It’s just that in this case, the other person is still you.

I’ve heard the concept also said that “your current self can give your future self an easier life if you work hard now.” It seems like distancing functions on that wavelength — that by thinking you are supporting some other entity (and even when that entity is still you), some empathetic mechanisms spring into play, and your natural desire to see success rebounds back onto yourself. This is you eating your cake, yet something still having cake.

So that’s magic in and of itself, right? I want you to try it. Don’t think in terms of what you have to do, but what you watching yourself will do. All these fun tiny benefits concurrently happen — encouragement, pressure removal, controlled thought, drive, momentum, and motivation. It’s all there — a trail mix built out of emotions and psychological buffs. And they’ll all fire off at once and you’ll start noticing how much better you feel.

Here’s the best part — we can take this further. At least two different studies have shown with children that thinking of an alter ego and then distancing creates even stronger outcomes. Now we’re not just hyping ourselves up — we’re hyping up an impressive figure. Batman is already taking down jerks. So what if you say you are the night and combine that with self removal? Even in children, the conclusion was fascinating. When they were given a menial task to complete, those who were told to believe they were Batman had an improvement of 23% in focus and productivity over a group who was given no directive. Even without the consequences of adult life and its inherent complexities, children naturally showcased that they work harder if they undergo an alter ego transformation. Now you’re not just there for yourself, you’re there for Batman himself.

“But that’s just children.” Ok, well, it works in adults too. Beyoncé and Adele would psych themselves up by creating onstage personas that were confident, successful, fearless versions of themselves. It’s an act within an act, with a performer further elevating themselves away from reality through the substitution of a personality built and engineered for success. Set aside that these are powerful, fierce, intimidating entertainers in their own right; the focus here is that they also used this mental trick, and it worked.

(There’s an aside here that I think is worth mentioning — in the midst of performing to a crowd, you are 100% in control, and I think this simple realization would help scores of people with their fear of public speaking; a concept to write about another day.)

Distilled down: If you think you’re a hero, you’ll act like one. Easier said than done, but give it a try by taking yourself out of the equation, even if for a moment. You’re not changing who you are so much as you are discovering the pieces of innate power you already had. You aren’t erasing yourself — you’re finding the hidden strength that’s already there. Having a way to kickstart this is perfectly fine.

The ultimate goal with all of this is to build the discipline that lets you begin to automatically engage this mode of heightened ability – that you’ll naturally adopt the good parts into life without the need for ramping up. Armed with that, you’re unstoppable.

Life — as a series of interactions and decisions — can be gamed, to a degree, with tiny and small shifts in perspective. Dropping a surrogate for yourself gives you enough room to have the chance to take everything in, and augmenting this concept further with the thought of having an alter ago creates even wilder possibilities. Psychologists are finding that this sidestep phenomenon can potentially help in different areas — improved physical health, learning how to better handle stress, emotional control, mastering anxiety, and a host of others.

So put on a mask, and then put on a whole new self. It’s almost Halloween anyway.

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Opinion Editorials

Don’t forget about essential workers in a post-COVID world (be kind)

(OPINION / EDITORIAL) As the world reopens, essential workers deserve even more of our respect and care, remembering that their breaks have been few and far between.

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Tired essential workers wearing an apron leans against the doorframe of a cafe, eyes closed.

Anxiety about returning to work post-COVID-19 is real. Alison Green, of Ask A Manager, believes “much of that stems from a break in trust in the people and institutions that have shown they can’t be counted on to protect us.” Green also goes on to remind us that a lot of people don’t have the luxury of returning to the workplace – the essential workers who never left the workplace. The grocery store clerks, janitors, garbage collectors, and healthcare providers, just to name a few. As the country reopens, we have to be more sensitive to these essential workers, who often are left out of the discussion about safety, work norms, and benefits.

Essential workers got lip service during the pandemic

At the start of the pandemic, the essential workers were hailed as heroes. We appreciated the grocery store workers who tried to keep the shelves stocked with toilet paper. We thanked the healthcare workers who kept working to keep people healthy and to take care of our elderly. I remember being more appreciative of the person who delivered my mail and the guy who came and picked up the trash each week. Now that the pandemic has been with us for more than a year, these workers are still doing their jobs, just maybe not so tirelessly.

Some of these workers don’t have sick days, let alone vacation days for self-care, but they are still making it possible for their community to function while being treated with less than respect. They’ve weathered the pandemic while working in public, worrying about getting sick, dealing with the public who threw tantrums for policies beyond their control, and managing their health while employers didn’t enforce safety measures. I’d hazard a guess that most of the C-level executives didn’t bring in any of their essential employees when writing new policies under COVID-19.

Bring essential workers into the conversation

In many cases, it has been the workers with the least who are risking the most. In Oklahoma, even though Gov. Stitt deemed many industries as essential, those same workers had to wait until Phase 3 to get their vaccine. Please note that elected officials and government leaders were eligible under Phase 2 to get their vaccine. Society pays lip service to the essential workers, but in reality, these jobs are typically low paying jobs that must be done, pandemic or not. In my small rural town, a local sheriff’s deputy contracted COVID-19. The community came together in fundraising efforts to pay his bills. It’s sad that a man who served the community did not have enough insurance to cover his illness.

As your office opens up and you talk to employees who are concerned about coming back to the office, don’t forget about the ones who have been there the entire time. Give your essential workers a voice. Treat their anxiety as real. Don’t pay lip service to their “heroism” without backing it up with some real change. As offices open up to a new normal, we can’t forget about the essential workers who did the jobs that kept society going.

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