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Opinion Editorials

“Woof range” – real estate has gone to the dogs!

There were some “amenities” offered in the real estate ads and the MLS this week that would  give PETA angina. Imagine being a guest at one of the following homes and being offered a woof burger….

As my friends and colleagues say down South: “That dog won’t hunt.”

Cooking with Flare

“Six burner Woof range” (Convenient, but we don’t eat dogs in this country, pal.)

“New central meat” (Sounds delicious…unless it was cooked on the Woof range.)

“Marble inset good fur chopping” (How ’bout if a chop off your marbles, goodfurnuttin?)

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“Melee appliances” (What else would you expect in the kitchen if you’re trying to cook a pack of dogs???)

“Cocktails Anyone?

“Wine slerved at open” (Are you schlure there will be any left?)

“Rosa Corona marble” (Apparently hijacked from the Rosa Corona Mexican restaurant chain.)

“Beautiful, wine covered walls” (Is this a home or Charlie Sheen’s rehab?)

Extras Your Guests May Love

“Patio privates, covered” (Attaboy – keep the junk in the trunk.)

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“EZ Fleeway Access” (This property must be on the Mexican border.)

“Notice of constellation” (Thanks, Big Dipper!)

“Unique desin” (Hmm…was the architect also an exorcist?)

“Windows w/low IV energy saver” (What’s in the IV – Valium?)

Now For The Entertainment Portion of the Evening

“Old sod to be replaced” (Must be another divorce in Hollywood…)

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“Come by and feet the builder” (Is that code for ‘kick his ass?’ )

“Keek cat in rear area” (If you keek a cat, Fernando, PETA will be all over YOUR rear area!)

“Seller taking antique knobs” (They must be attached to his antique wife…)

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Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Patricia Grissinger via Facebook

    March 11, 2011 at 9:32 am


  2. Gwen Banta

    March 11, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Thanks for the re-posts, friends. I am getting a lot of feedback on the DOG 🙂

  3. Missy Caulk

    March 12, 2011 at 8:37 am

    You always make me laugh out loud.

  4. Sherri Loomer

    March 14, 2011 at 6:29 am

    Truth is also funnier than fiction! Thank you Gwen!

  5. Gwen Banta

    March 19, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    Thanks Missy, Patricia and Sherri – I’m happy to share the smiles!

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