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“Nice wart bar” – do your listings need medical attention?

I had a lot of laughs this week, friends – and most were unintentional. Perhaps the summer sun is causing lethargy. That’s the only excuse I could come up with to explain some of these moronic meanderings. Thanks to Allyson Hoffman for her great contributions from Chicago. 

Bumps and Dumps

“Nice wart bar” (Frog Inspection highly recommended)

“Cards for dump included” (Wouldn’t tissue be less irritating?)

“No lame offers accepted” (This must be from the Lame Agent Rule Book…)

“Designd with Fang shui” (From the Caravan Guide For Listings That Bite)

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“Pool to dye for!” (Uh-uh – I don’t whip out the Loreal for anyone but Clooney.)

Who Could Refuse These?

“Perfect for art correction” (Offered by Dominatrix Dorothy)

“Wonderful ocean freezes” ( …Isn’t that a bit hard on your manhood, Siberian Sam?)

“Must sell before labor” (This gives new meaning to “contractual obligations.”)

“Nice bean ceilings” (Are you also serving Chianti, Mr. Lecter?)

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“Depressed wood floors” (You’d feel the same way if you had feet in your face every time you were in a horizontal position.)

Expiration Proclamation

“High-tech TB equip inc”  (Yipee – I can have my very own sanitarium.)

“Mosaic of glob in foyer” (That’s probably what the seller expelled from his throat after  seeing your spelling abilities.)

“House on end of peninisulim” (My condolences – that sounds terminal…)

“This home offers cure elegance” (Does it have a cure for idiocy?)

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“Views of Point Doom” (Point Dume is in Malibu, pal – “Point Doom” is the top of your skull.)

That’s it for this week, folks.  Remember, I’m always lurking with the Blooper Scooper!

Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Joe Loomer

    July 23, 2011 at 11:47 am

    I think I need some medical attention after reading these! Maybe I have some peninisulim in the medicine cabinet….

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  2. sfvrealestate

    July 23, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    I hear that Miele is making $11,000 built-in wart bars for high end properties. And doesn't the Fang shui have to do with True Blood?

  3. Sheila Rasak

    July 25, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Nothing like this blog to get my day going! I once had the opportunity to review an offer to purchase for a friend in another state before he allowed his agent to send it to the listing broker. Let's just say that English wasn't the agent's first language and I've KNOW clue as to how she managed to obtain her license.

  4. Gwen Banta

    July 31, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Hey Friends – Due to an email address change several months ago, I have not been getting my AG notifications, so I had no idea I was receiving comments! Thus, forgive my delayed response.

    Joe, all I can say to you is…you should ALWAYS have peninisulim handy 🙂

    @svfrealestate Actually, I think I once dated a guy named Fang Shui – he was a chef in Chinatown…

    Sheila, I swear there must be imposters out there taking licensing tests for some of these agents. Hmmmm…I could use some extra money…

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