Do you have a secret startup? Are you a tool? Great!
“Major Cable Network now casting CONFIDENT professionals with BIG PERSONALITIES for a new reality show,” proclaims a Craigslist ad that is making the rounds this week. “Are you a young, successful, professional living in America’s most emerging area — Silicon Valley?”
The network is Bravo and their next piece of brain damaging reality crap will come in the form of profiling “business” people in Silicon Valley and we’re betting the cast will look a little like the above photo. You’d think it would be philanthropic hoodie-wearing geeks, but no, they’re usually busy coding or shooting buffalo. Just like their other reality shows, they’ll scrape the bottom of the douche barrel and find the most self-important 22 year olds that they can and they’ll “discover” the next big startup stars in some crowded Starbucks full of iPads and undeserved pretentious attitudes.
Here’s how we imagine the promo will sound like:
- South Park announcer voice: “Tune in to Bravo this Sunday to find out what Terry Guruguy is doing with his exciting new Silicon Valley startup. It’s gonna be wild- cars, codes, chicks and more!”
- Terry: “Hey. I’m Terry. My company is going to be so huge, it’s gonna make Donald Trump dump his pants. I can’t tell you exactly what it is, but it’s like the next Facebook, with a little bit of Twitter and G+ mixed in and by this time next year, my company is gonna be so big, it’s gonna blow up, it’s gonna make like ten times what Facebook does, and my best friend will be Eminem.”
- South Park announcer voice: “When geeks go bad in the Valley, it gets out of hand…”
- Cue to a plate being thrown by a plain looking girl: “You told me you were going to ice my wrist! You said your company was gonna blow up, why did you sell my car for cash, you tool!?” Terry, holding a bottle of Patron: “Baby, it takes money to make money. You betta bounce, imma be huge, I don’t need you. I’m the CEO, bitch!”
Great. The world needs a dose of self importance in the form of people that think they’re going to be the next Zuck. We’re betting the new reality show will be so awesome that you’ll want to stab your own eyeballs out.