It’s difficult being an internet moron. I should know. I am always amazed when all our resident Geniuses – Benn, Lani, Matt, Brandie, Joe, Missy, Jack, Ken, Erion…just to name a few…speak freely in another language that involves pings, tracking, SEO’s and a list of other words that baffle me. I am a fossil – a writer who was told I could write if I blog. Heck, I can barely type, so diving into Word Press and Flickr was about as easy for me as getting a sex change. Before my maiden voyage, I thought “blog” was a state of physical distress caused by too much salt on my margaritas. So here I am, in a world gone mad with technology and new phrases, with no translator.
There must be other morons like me out there. Hello? Are you there? Buck up and admit you are as dense as I am! On behalf of all of us internet-challenged relics, I am herein providing a vocabulary of words as we know them, so that maybe those Geniuses will understand that they must communicate to some of us through our own portal (whatever that is.) Here it is folks – straight off the Rosetta stone – Vocabulary of the Internet Clueless:
Website – Vision after 45 (Or after a Colt 45)
Tags – Fleshy outcroppings that should be lopped off
SEO – Serious Estrogen Overload (Not limited to Pamela Anderson…or Clay Aiken)
Upload – A high colonic
Download – The aftermath of too many burritos
Portal – Location of a Download
Home Page – ET phoning home
Search Engine – A drill performed by those idiots who lost that fire truck in Iowa
Twitter – PeeWee Herman on Red Bull
Flash Drive – Britney on Hollywood Blvd.
Tweet – “Sweet” – as pronounced in West Hollywood (and by Clay Aiken)
Active Rain – A serious incontinence problem
Gravatar – A super serious situation with the asphalt
Hack – The act of coughing up something the size of a gerbil.
Avitar – A VERY small aviator
IDX – The ritual of going into the Witness Protection Program – popular in Jersey
Sees-mic -Keith Richards having a flash back
Widget –A widow giving a wedgie
Ping – One of the Ling twins from Beijing – Sister to Dinguh (Think about it…)
Backtracks – Nickname for the guy who tried to cross Pacific Coast Highway and was flattened into the gravatar
Jpeg – Peg Steinberg from the Bronx
Pixels – Those little people that make Keebler cookies
Link – That guy on Mod Squad
Retweet! – John Wayne on Helium commanding his troops to turn back
Optimization – Getting through the light at Hollywood and Vine in only four tries.
Post – Paris Hilton
LinkedIn – O.J. on work detail at Lovelock Correctional Center
Meta – The chick Tevye fiddled on the roof when Golde was busy making matzo balls
Social Media – Journalists at a Mary Kay party
URL – Urinary Random Leakage – A condition caused by too many Coronas
UTube – A treatment for URL
So, all you Geniuses out there, I hope this mini-dictionary has helped you understand what we internet nubies hear when you use those words. Makes you Actively Rain in your boxers, doesn’t it? Perhaps we can have a summit and figure out how to communicate. This is for YOUR benefit as well as ours. You may want to think twice the next time you tell someone you signed up for an RSS Feed – in my town that refers to the movement to Rescue Starving Starlets…so we’ll just toss you a ham sandwich.
