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Is your listing dead on arrival… or are YOU?

I hope you all had a great Turkey Day. And speaking of turkeys, I found a few MLS turkeys last week that will brighten your holiday season. These offerings from the MLS and email fliers just confirm the fact that there’s no fool like an old Tool. Thanks to Jane Peters and Bruce Lemieux for their great contributions.

From Decay to DOA

“New Constriction needs finishes” (Old Intestine needs fiber.)

“Hurry – this will be sod soon.” (So will my grandma, but it’s rude to rush her. )

“Coffened ceilings” (I see dead people.)

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“Enjoy the sunrise with your mourning coffee” (This must be the house with coffened ceilings…unless you’re trying to tell me Grandma finally bought the farm.)

“Very extinctive neighborhood” (Asses to ashes, dumb as dust.)

Sizzle That Fizzled

 “Many privates schools nearby” (Can you imagine that class photo?)

 “Addition in back” (Ah, yes – the Kim Kardashian of houses…)

 “Spectacular views from panthouse” (Is that code for “kinky bedroom”?)

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“No showings past sun” (Thank you, Luke Skywalker.)

“Fred scratchers at open” (Either Fred is a dog, or he has the heartbreak of psoriasis.)

“Just pass fire hose” (This does not bode well…)

Fire the Decorator!

“House has great carcature” (Someone should kick you in the carcature.)

“Leave keys in malebox” (If there’s a box for males, I hope it contains George Clooney.)

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“House has good draimage” (Agent has brain draimage…)

“High tach alarming system” (What is it – Pamela Anderson with a club?)

“Tenants would lather stay” (“Bubble bubble, toil and trouble”…)

Rubik’s Cube of the Week (Thanks, Jane and Bruce)

“Costume built…w/ dual starecase” (You can put lipstick on a pig, but apparently you can’t snap it out of a trance.)

“On the second floor and you have three and lushes no Balconey” ( I think we can all agree on who the lush is.)

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Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Bruce Lemieux

    December 3, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    I’m glad I can help out. The prospect of showing-up on your infamous list always encourages an additional proof-read of my listings.

  2. Agent for Movoto

    December 3, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    This is HILARIOUS. This is a regular feature, I hope? I’ll be back for more.

  3. Robert Darrow

    December 3, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    My favorite of all time: “…and huge d*ck for entertaining!” You get the idea that the back yard must have a spectacular patio. Just one letter makes all the difference.

  4. Gwen Banta

    December 3, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    Every Friday, @ Agent for Movato. Thanks!

  5. Gwen Banta

    December 3, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    Robert, I love that one, but my favorite is “Live next to the Hollywood Bowel.” It works on so many levels!

  6. Doug Francis

    December 3, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    Really, sometimes this business can be like a Seinfeld eposide…

  7. Gwen Banta

    December 4, 2010 at 12:55 am

    Yes, Robert. Remember the “soup nazi” on Seinfeld? I guess that makes me the “spelling nazi”!

  8. Doug Francis

    December 4, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Robert? Oh, I see that comment was written at 12:55 am… but I guess Robert’s comment made a vivid impression on you at that hour. 😉

  9. Gwen Banta

    December 4, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Sorry, Doug – I was drooping over the keyboard last night when I wrote that; and today I feel so sick I’m thinking of dragging my flu-ridden body down to the local slaughterhouse…

  10. Coleen DeGroff

    December 5, 2010 at 12:37 am

    Hi Gwen,
    Funny stuff! If all those death-related typos were in the same listing I’m not sure I’d take buyer to see the house…without bringing along a crucifix and a garlic necklace, that is. 🙂

  11. Charles McDonald

    December 5, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    I hate to post some of the turkeys we have seen in our MLS. Kind of embarrassing 🙂

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