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Un-Real Estate – Shutta Yo Mouth!


Did That Really Come Outta Your Yap?

I heard a very odd story that involves Mrs. Butterworth (well, peripherally anyway). Agent and AG writer Matt Stigliano told me about the time he overhead a mother tell her child not to run off because strangers could “chop you up into little pieces and put you into pancakes.” And it was said at the Hollywood Christmas Parade! Will anyone really be surprised when that hapless child someday  jumps Mrs. Butterworth and the Hungry Jack guy at an IHOP Yuletide party? I sense a smack down coming…

Let Em Eat Pancakes!

Matt’s anecdote caused my rather perverse brain to recall a few memorable lines I have heard in my own career. My colleagues were all very eager to share a few experiences their own, so consider this the first installment of the “Did that flotsam really come out of your mouth?” sweepstakes. The prize for best reader comments is a Hungry Stack from the Studio City Flapjack Emporium.

Questions That Deserve a Flapjack

1.) “I’d rather have a yard than that pool. Do you think the seller can fill it in for me and plant some grass?” Answer: Only if you are lying at the bottom of it, my friend.
2.) “Will they give us a break on the price if we give them some swag from our concerts?” Answer: Will you please get your hand off my ass?
3.) “I know I haven’t waived contingencies, but my dog died and I can’t bury him at my condo. Can I bury him there?” Agent: “What if the deal falls through?” Buyer response: “Well, I could go dig him up and move him.” Answer: Smack. And here’s another smack just because the last one felt so good.
4.) “Do you think my Laurel Canyon neighbors will mind if I practice drums at home?” Answer: “No, not as long as you don’t interrupt the filming of their porno movies.”
5.) “Can I back out of the deal even though we waived contingencies? I feel the presence of spirits in the bedroom.” Answer: Of course…and let’s add one more dead person to the crowd…because you’re next, you John Edward sycophant.
6.) “Did someone famous live here? Answer: Jimmy Stewart. “Oh, that preacher guy?” Answer: No, that Root Beer guy.

And For the Second Serving…

7.) “Isn’t this where Marilyn Monroe was discovered? Agent Answer: “No, but it’s where she was buried.” True story.
8.) “I want this house, but I only need three bedrooms. Can I get a credit for the fourth?” Answer: Of course…and I’ll have him move the house to the beach and throw in a Beemer while he’s being so generous.
9.) “Why do I have to list the disclosures in writing? Isn’t my word good enough?” (From a musician just out of rehab.) …Need I say more?
10.) “Will the buyer let me keep my furniture here for a month? It looks good, and I won’t have any place to move it until after the holidays.” Answer: Sure, but the pool won’t hold that much.
11.) “Can I take my rose bushes with me?” Why not…and take the whole damn Oak grove while you’re at it.
12.) “Does the buyer need the garage?” HUH – What does this even mean?????

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One For the Road

And one for the road for the nonbelievers:

“Do the police patrol here a lot?” Answer: “Yes, all the time.” Buyer’s response: “Then I don’t want the place.” Hmmmm.

Ya know, I think we poor agents have all been traumatized as much as that poor little kid. Mrs. Butterworth, anyone?

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Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Ken Brand

    March 27, 2009 at 11:07 am

    Yes, in a perfect world, there’d be 1 designated day per month where, “smart ass” answers were not only OK, but the more cleverly sarcastic the more they’d be appreciated.

    Maybe the best way to get it going is pick the third Monday of each month. We could test the idea on Twitter and Facebook first. It’d work because people can hide behind their keyboards and no IRL fist fights, spitting, hair pulling and knees to the groin would be possible. See a lame comment on Twitter, let’m have it. Read a stupid Facebook update, word slap the silly out of em’.

    Maybe there’s a reality show in there somewhere.

    Thanks for sharing….now I wanna insult somebody. Only the deserving though.


  2. BawldGuy

    March 27, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    Now I know why I like you so much.

    Had a guy demand a guarantee from me against any losses in value of props he might purchase through me. I said, “Hey, not a problem. Also, at sale, we’ll include a hefty share to me of any capital gains you might receive.”


  3. Lani Rosales

    March 27, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    #1 and #2 are my faves. Gwen, I’m glad others get to see how hilarious you are, this is too much!!! 🙂

  4. Matt Stigliano

    March 28, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    Gwen – Thanks for the mention and re-telling of one of my favorite stories. I knew you of all people would appreciate the dark underbelly of the Hollywood Christmas Parade.

    I have independently confirmed with Gwen that I am none of the aforementioned musicians.

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