This is real life
Is your beauty routine starting to feel a little bland? Tired of the makeup-smelling makeup and “too normal” sweet-flavored chap sticks? It might be time to spice things up. Like, with literal spices. On your lips.
In honor of their 25th anniversary, Red Lobster (you didn’t see that coming, did you?) is releasing a limited edition lip balm (got you again!) whose flavor is inspired by the seafood chain’s famous cheddar bay biscuits (really, nothing should be a surprise to you at this point).
In case that sentence confuses you, or you’re just in a state of disgusted shock, let’s recap.
There’s a seafood restaurant that wants you to rub biscuits on your lips.
Celebratory, buttery, coastal-themed biscuits. All over your mouth.
Refinery29 got a chance to try out the stick of biscuits early (woo?) and they say it actually smells like a little bit of butter with a lot of caramel popcorn. One staffer compared it to cheddar bay biscuits covered in maple syrup.
So much for fidelity.
But I guess we should be grateful that Red Lobster doesn’t actually expect us to rub garlic butter on our mouths for moisture.
I just have so many thoughts right now, and I’m sure you do too. I’ll leave you alone with them for a moment.
Back to my thoughts, now.
I keep thinking about having the smell of maple syrup biscuits floating under my nose all day. So much for enjoying food. And if someone saw me pull a Red Lobster chap stick out of my bag, they could assume I was some sort of spokesperson and start asking me questions about the menu or something.
And personally, I can’t help recalling that gum in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
You know, the gum that tastes like a three course dinner and ends up blowing the stubborn Violet Beauregarde up into a blueberry balloon. Shouldn’t we have learned by now that food should only come in food form?
Get your Red Lobster swag
The questionable lip balm is just one of many anniversary items: highly coveted t-shirts and magnets could also be yours, and all you have to do is sign up for the Fresh Catch Club (is it just me, or is that a little weird? I know, I know, they serve fish, but, like, ew.) by 5:00 PM ET on Monday, May 8. There will be 250 winners, and I’ll let you decide whether they’re lucky or not.