From hogs to smog, there was a lot of confusion in the MLS and other real estate ads this week. Thanks to Jane Peters of L.A. and Wendy Schoof of San Francisco for helping me comb the MLS for these beauties:
Who Could Resist?
“Famished apt available” (Flummoxed agent soon to be available, too.)
“Views of sweating palms” (Oh…I just thought your hand was in front of your face because you’re hideous.)
“Buyers will be enameled” (Hence my fear of clowns and kilns.)
“Tea and coffin served” (Offered by those homicidal broads at Arsenic and Old Lace Realty. Their motto: “We make killer deals!”)
“Lots of closeted” (Really? I thought they all moved to West Hollywood.)
“Cancel 4th of Jury” (…Overheard at a Gambino Family picnic at an undisclosed Jersey Shore location.)
“Natural havibat for birds” (Brought to you by the National Aviary Baseball League.)
“Lots of gulf to enjoy” (What Tony Soprano and Paulie Walnuts said to Salvatore “Big P__sy” Bonpensiero before tossing his fat corpse overboard.)
Selling with a Hitch
“Nice Newer Custom Dual Pane Double Prism Perimeter Grid Windows” (I suggest a comma and a valium, Methamphetamine Mary.)
“New raisin deck above garage” (Doesn’t that draw flies?)
“Nice view when no smog” (Then you may want to consider moving the house from L.A. to Montana.)
“New Botched stove” (Surely no more botched than the agent!)
“Really slick throughout” (I see dead people…and then lawsuits.)
“Nice insides” (Opined Freddy Krueger after eviscerating the denizens of Nightmare on Elm Street and casting their remains all over the lawns of Springwood. )
Bingo! (This Week’s Fave)
“New hog tub” (Considered an amenity if you’re a pig named Arnold Ziffel from Green Acres who plans to open a hog spa in Hooterville .)
