Americans don’t bleed red, we bleed coffee
Okay, a bit of brutal honesty coming up here… I can’t order at Starbucks. I simply cannot. That bone inside my body is broken. Due to the intimidation factor of their menu, I simply don’t go. However, since Starbucks holds 32.6% of the market share of the leading coffee chains, there are times when I do find myself in one of their establishments with a friend.
I usually saunter in like I own the place, and give a chin-nod to the baristas, as if they know me by name and are already preparing my custom drink. I allow my friend to order first, because either I want to offer to pay or feign as though I am considering straying from my normal drink of choice. When, in reality, I’ve broken out in a cold-sweat because I just know I’m going to screw up my order. Again.
A comical look at what your coffee says about you
That’s why I love little posters like the one below. Yes yes, I know. They are made to be funny. We see them and toss our heads back in gregarious laughter at how far we’ve come from the best part of waking up.
But for me, in between bites of my (bread thing that people buy with coffee – next to the Starbucks register. Somebody help me here… they’re long, & rectangular?). Anyway, in between bites of that thing, I’m starting intently at the poster trying to instantaneously develop a photographic memory. I don’t even need the eerily accurate personality descriptions; I just need the neato color-coded coffee cups to guide my path.
While I’m in full-disclosure mode, I’ll admit to committing the faux pas of ordering a ghetto latte. Once. I made that mistake once. Never again will I attempt to cover my penny pinching habits with my coffee shop ignorance and go that route. There again, this is why I need posters like this. They keep me on the cool-side of the coffee insider crowd.
Americans spend endlessly on coffee
Considering that the average American spends $20 a week in coffee, I guess I can come off the few bucks and pitch in my part of the $18 billion spent annually on specialty coffee in the US (yikes!).
I love coffee. I really do. I have a nice large mug every single morning. I brew up my Folgers, add enough milk to make it the color of my skin (one of the many perks of being biracial, might I add), and I’m good. No whipped toppings, frothed milk, or sprinkles. And all of the ingredients in my cup of joe are in English. (‘Merica!) Say it with me, “Coooooffffeeee and Miiiilllllk”. If it’s a holiday, or I’m feeling particularly jazzy, I’ll add a teaspoon of “Suuuuuugggarrr.”
Americans are coffee crazy and it’s a growing part of our economy, so do your part.