People do strange things, and open houses seem to encourage a whole bag of crazy. Over the past few months, I have gathered a few choice stories from my beleaguered colleagues – incidents which are too funny not to share. Yes, truth is stranger than fiction, so after every tale, I have added my martini-inspired suggestions for book titles. (I’m holding out for more money before I offer up any film titles. Everyone please call Benn and Lani and tell them to wire big bucks into my account in the Caymans. Operators are standing by for your calls.)
Is There a Bouncer in the House?
The gnarly guy who sat down in a chair at an open house, removed his sock, and cleaned the toe jam and lint from between his hairy toes. (Eee-yew and Pee-yew.)
The lady with the designer dog in her designer bag who bent over and dropped the critter into the designer bidet then ran through the house screaming, “Buddy almost went into the light – someone’s going to get sued!” (Flash, Splash and Dash for Cash)
The guy who told his two bratty, precocious kids to go sit in the car while he previewed a house in the Valley, and “don’t try to hot wire the engine this time.” (The Case For Ignition Prohibition – Part II)
The unkempt young couple that was thrown out of an open house for warming their feet in the hot tub while swapping copious amounts of spit. (Bubble Trouble Besets Uncouth Youth.)
The aging “dancer” in an outfit smaller than a kleenex who was trying to pick up men at a Hollywood open house buffet…while repeatedly sneezing all over the food. (Tease, Sleeze, Sneeze and Disease)
The two agents who ran into each other at an open house in Manhattan Beach, and then proceded to get into a loud fight over a sour deal while their current clients watched in horror. (The Case of Procuring Claws.)
Cue the Circus Music!
The man who backed up too far and fell down a hillside in Encino while his loving children doubled over with laughter. (Papa Was a Rolling Stone…)
The old man seen filling a bag with Open House hors d’oeuvres and then shoving the bag through a window to his companion – a blue-haired lady who was shorter than a table lamp. (Guess Who’s Copping Yo’ Dinner.)
The embarrassed seller who was caught flipping pancakes – in the nude – when the young female agent arrived to deliver disclosures docs. (Gidget and The Scarlet Flippernel)
The prospective buyer who was found asleep at a desk in the seller’s home, with his shoes kicked off and his head slumped over the keyboard. (Memoirs of a Slacker Hacker.)
The woman with a flying saucer hat who carried on an belligerent conversation – with herself – while touring a home in Sherman Oaks (The Tales of an Uncivil Sybil.)
Class, my A_ _!
The well-dressed woman caught stealing Marc Jacobs perfume from a bathroom in Los Feliz. (The Ritz Ditz Who Spritzed.)
The inebriated agent who bent over to retrieve her deviled egg and tumbled into the bushes at a home near CBS Studios. (The Ripped Dip Who Slipped.)
The agent and her young “escort” who were guilty of some PDA at an open house in Beverly Hills. (An Aging Honey with Money and a Hot Sonny.)
Two prospective buyers at a open house who got into a row when one accused the other of having an affair with his wife. The cuckholded cry baby coldcocked the cad on the front lawn. (The Adventures of David Clobberfield)
This One Is Really For the Books
The old woman in coat and a night gown who was caught tucking silverware into her support stockings while munching on pretzels.
(Poor Grammers Went to the Slammers in her Jammers.)
