Fish Sticks
“Leave card for filet” (Oh, is that a fish? I just thought you were just happy to see me.)
“House is moving” (Newsflash: Landslides are not a selling feature.)
“Wine close” (Yeah, when the wine box is empty, the party is over for me, too.)
“Key under may” (May is admirably proactive in her efforts to get a date.)
“Be sure to Goggle us” (I’d prefer to gag-gle you.)
Pig-sicles
“If sow, will be canceled.” (Sign in the window at the Piggly Wiggly Butcher Bistro.)
“Yard hass lush grond” (Seller has a lush agent.)
“Please wipe sal off shoes” (Whispered Vito to Tony Two-Fingers as they stuffed the last vestiges of Sal into the Caddie.)
“Can’t fix crack” (Let me guess – What God said as he handed you to your folks?)
“Trees with sweet tamberines” (Hence the aging folk singers puffing grass in the orchard.)
Sausage Stir-Fry
“Pls keep seller’s pets insides” (Yet another source of intestines for all your sausage-making endeavors…)
“New landscraping” (Is this a yard or a compost pile?)
“Nice neighbrahood” (It’s good to know this area of town got a lift.)
“Buying a home is a mayor decision” (If that decision is made by the crack-smoking Mayor of Toronto, you’ll probably end up in a trailer park.)
“Nice Santa Fed house” (Thus the reindeer poop in the kitchen.)
Monkey-shines
“Large bump on back porch” (This must be code for “I have a festering pimple on my butt.”)
“Require proof of earnest monkey” (The monkey would write an earnest letter to your seller, but he’s too busy playing with his banana.)
That’s it for this week, folks. Remember: Spell well and sell!
