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Foot in mouth disease? Hilarious MLS missteps

Here we go again, folks – hang on for the ride of your life. I think the holiday drinking spilled over into the work week, because there were some real knee-slappers in the MLS listing remarks this week.

With material like this, who needs sit-coms?

Reading the MLS and the L.A.Times ads can be a great stress reliever. And L.A. does not have a corner on the market. Wait until you read Andrea Swiedler’s contribution from New Milford, CT! As soon as

I wipe the tears out of my eyes I’ll try to type this week’s treasures. …There, I am composed, so here we go:

Lust Among the Ruins

“Latchis, door nobs and kochs will be replaced”  (That’s gonna hurt like hell…)

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“This lusting won’t last” (Unless you are Tiger, John Edwards, Jesse, Gov. Sanford, James McGreevey…)

“Taro on roof is temporary due to leak” (A good psychic would have seen that storm coming!)

“Very Zen w/ stone walkaways amuck the flowers” (Stoned agent flower child runs amuck in Zen garden.)

“Home in Rancho Coccamongas” (Whose cocca is amongas? Or did you mean “humongous”?)

“A lovely canopee or bouganvilla” (I don’t think urine and flowers are difficult to distinguish, pal…)

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For My West Hollywood Buddies:

“Call for inqueeries” (Alert Ricky Martin – there’s a new listing in “Boys Town.”)

“Small Home O Dues” (I believe the large Home Os do, too.

Dubious Distinction…

“House  snows EZ”  (Offered by Kip from Kilimanjaro)

“Playground nearby with slides and swingrs” (Kinky dinky.)

“Your buyers will flop.” (Well your sale ain’t lookin’ so hot either, pal.)

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“Huge fire in living room” (Obviously, a fire sale.)

“Leader in stales.” (Loser who sucks.)

“Big gas girll on patio.” (…which is where big, gassy girlls should remain.)

And One of the Best Ever! (Thanks, Andrea):

“Big Dick Pond under a huge outcrapping of rocks” (Any guy tough enough to outcrap rocks deserves to brag about his big, uh, uh,…“pond”!)

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Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Denise Hamlin

    June 4, 2010 at 11:38 am

    Nice one Gwen. My favorite was the last one too. That actually had me chuckling. (I’m a Brit, notorious for having a warped sense of humor.:-)

    Have these guys never heard of proof reading??


  2. Rebecca Johnston

    June 4, 2010 at 11:57 am

    I am a communicator by profession, and am always stunned when my Realtor husband regales me with tales from the MLS. Proof read, yes! But also think about what you’re writing, and whether or not the information is actually (a) useful; (b) relevant; (c) interesting; and (d) going to help influence an action. How many people really care about the bougainvillea, after all?

  3. Joe Loomer

    June 4, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Just when I thought you could sink no lower, along comes the “Dick Pond.” When will end, I ask you! When Gwen??

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

    p.s. off to change my shorts, fer crissakes.

  4. Gwen Banta

    June 4, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Denise, there is nothing better than a British sense of humor…or British PG Tipps tea! Thanks for reading.

  5. Gwen Banta

    June 4, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    You can thank Andrea for that contribution, Joe. I must admit, the visual is hysterical! (And yes, I can always sink lower when given even a glimmer of hope 🙂

  6. Andrew McKay

    June 4, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    and our sense of humour (with a u) will come to the fore over the next few weeks when we go out of the World Cup to Germany or Argentina on penalties ( again.) There gain this may be the year it comes home 🙂

    Great comments as always. Not just a dick pond but a “big” dick pond!!

  7. Gwen Banta

    June 4, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    HAHAHAHAHa…Spoken like a true, witty Brit, Andrew! It’s the naughty British behavior resulting in penalties that we love so much about our neighbors across the big dick pond, uh, I mean “big pond”! 🙂

  8. Gwen Banta

    June 4, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Yes, Rebecca, some of the descriptions are puzzling, I agree. I have heard of Listing Seminars wherein one is taught how to “paint a picture” with the listing remarks. I think some agents are too liberal with the paint. I once read about a home that had “seductive rooms that dance in the dappled light.” Huh?

  9. Shea Bunch

    June 4, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    Thanks Gwen. After a long day, I really needed that laugh.

  10. Andrew Mckay

    June 4, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    wait till the generation who have grown up texting start.”By gr8 crib 4 sale innit”

  11. Gwen Banta

    June 4, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    You are welcome, Shea. “Word,” Andrew 🙂

  12. Lani Rosales

    June 4, 2010 at 5:29 pm


  13. Gwen Banta

    June 4, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    Incidentally, I just wrote an email to a colleague and wrote “Thank your, Dick.” Spell check did not catch it, but fortunately I did. I wonder how many times my clumsy fingers have made such hilarious errors without my knowledge. I am a danger to myself…

  14. Gwen Banta

    June 4, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    @ lani – You said it, girlfriend!

  15. Gwen Banta

    June 4, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Thanks for your faith in me, Andrew…but most of the men in MY neighborhood like to dress up as Girl Scouts…

  16. Gwen Banta

    June 4, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    Only if you are a member of the troop 🙂

  17. john

    June 4, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    this is a particularly good batch. your interjected comments make them 2x as amusing. good stuff.

  18. Gwen Banta

    June 5, 2010 at 1:08 am

    Thanks, John. I just hope the agents who wrote these bloopers have a good sense of humor. And I hope John Edwards loses my address 🙂

  19. Michele Nixon

    June 5, 2010 at 10:47 am

    I work with an agent who remarked on one of her listings as having a “walk-in panty”.

    Damn! Those are some really big undies!


  20. Gwen Banta

    June 5, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Oh my! Michele, I have seen “big panty” and “new panty,” and even “roomy panty,” but never one you could actually walk in. That’s a panty that sees some traffic!

  21. Joe

    June 6, 2010 at 9:06 am

    Too funny! Sadly, one does not have to go very far to find these in our MLS. 🙂

  22. Gwen Banta

    June 7, 2010 at 1:51 am

    Thanks, and hello, Memphis!

  23. Maxwell McDaniel

    June 8, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    These are hilarious! Must.repost.

  24. Nadina Cole-Potter

    June 9, 2010 at 10:41 pm


    The great thing about entering the real estate field (at least, here in Arizona) is that, aside from taking the initial classes, passing the test, coming up with the money to join the brokerage, the board, the MLS, and being able to survive without income for ???, there is no barrier to entry.

    The worst thing about entering the real estate field …, there is no barrier to entry.

    Literacy and the ability to proofread (and to know when you are seeing a mistake and to know what to do about it) are not required. That is why the residential contracts are pre-fab and why commercial contracts are often prepared by attorneys.

  25. Gwen Banta

    June 10, 2010 at 2:46 am

    Thanks, maxwell. Spread the word: Pruufreed!!!

  26. Gwen Banta

    June 10, 2010 at 2:48 am

    Very funny, and very true, Nadina. Isn’t it interesting that very complicated legal contracts are being handled by some people who cannot read properly…or who are just plain careless? Ouch.

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