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The New Voice of Real Estate?

phone1.jpg

This original satire was published on November 12, 2007 and still holds true:

Ring Ring Ring

Hello! This is the Consumer Real Estate Sales Assistance Hotline. If you would like to sell your home, press 1. To purchase a home, press 2. If you’re calling from a rotary phone, please hold for assistance.

(Purchase a home.)
Please listen to the full message, as our options have recently changed.
If you would like to write an offer, press 1.
If you would like to respond to a counter offer, press 2.
If your offer has been accepted and you need to know what to do now, press 3.
If you would like to order inspections, press 4.
If you need to order title insurance, press 5.
If you’ve obtained inspections and don’t know what to do now, press 6.
To renegotiate your offer after inspections, press 7.
To obtain obtain necessary documentation from the home owners association, press 8.
If you need to remove contingencies, press 9.
If you would like a refund of your deposit, press 10.
If you would like to speak with a representative, press *.

(10)
Invalid response. Please listen to the automated menu.
Please listen to the full message, as our options have recently changed.
If you would like to write an offer, press 1.
If you would like to respond to a counter offer, press 2.
If your offer has been accepted and you need to know what to do now, press 3.
If you would like to order inspections, press 4.If you need to order title insurance, press 5.
If you’ve obtained inspections and don’t know what to do now, press 6.
To renegotiate your offer after inspections, press 7.
To obtain obtain necessary documentation from the home owners association, press 8.
If you need to remove contingencies, press 9.
If you would like a refund of your deposit, press 10.
If you would like to speak with a representative, press *.

(*)
All of our representatives are busy. Please hold and the next associate will be with you shortly.
(Radio station not quite in tune playing crappy music.)

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Thank you for holding. We are experiencing a heavy call volume. Please continue holding and the next representative will be with you shortly.
(More crappy music.)

Thank you for holding. We appreciate your business. The next available representative will answer your call.
(More crappy music.)

Thank you for holding. The Consumer Real Estate Sales Assistance Hotline appreciates your patience. We will be with you shortly.
(More crappy music.)

Thank you for holding. If you’d like to leave a message, please press #.

(#)
Thank you for calling the Consumer Real Estate Sales Assistance Hotline. The voice mail you are calling is full. Please try back again later. Goodbye.

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Written By

As a lifelong resident and local Realtor, Vicki has established herself as a respected member of the San Mateo County real estate community. She’s known for her wit, sarcasm, and her personality that shows through in her posts. You can find her spouting off at Twitter, here at ag, and her personal blog, San Mateo Real Estate Blog.com.

24 Comments

24 Comments

  1. Jonathan Dalton

    November 13, 2007 at 9:48 pm

    What should the hold music be?

    1) Little Pink Houses
    2) Don’t Worry, Be Happy
    3) Home Sweet Home (Motley Crue version)
    4) It’s the End of the World As We Know It

  2. Mariana

    November 13, 2007 at 11:24 pm

    Hold Music… MY selections:
    1. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (AC/DC)
    2. Head Like a Hole (Nine Inch Nails)
    3. (Random Assortment of American Idol Try-Outs)
    4. Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong (Spin Doctors)

  3. Vicki Moore

    November 14, 2007 at 1:37 am

    Thanks for taking it to the next level.

  4. Mariana

    November 14, 2007 at 4:58 am

    No prob, Vicki. We are here for you…

  5. Diane Cipa

    November 14, 2007 at 3:50 pm

    Good post, now take it a step further and imagine that even offices with this level of service disappear. Cyberhomes and its spawn take center stage and the portal for the next generation of homebuyers is free of the “human” element.

  6. Teresa Boardman

    November 14, 2007 at 6:13 pm

    well done! . . made me smile

  7. April Groves

    November 15, 2007 at 10:32 am

    If it wasn’t so true, I’d be laughing…

    Who am I kidding? That is hilarious!

  8. Athol Kay

    November 15, 2007 at 3:03 pm

    1. I Write The Songs (Barry Mannilow)
    2. Last Christmas (WHAM!)
    3. You Could Be So Good For Me (Amy Grant)
    4. It’s Not Easy Being Green (Kermit The Frog)
    5. Baby We Better Try Get It Together (Barry White)

  9. Ken Brand

    June 28, 2009 at 11:24 am

    I wouldn’t mind it so much if the on-hold music was – “She Bangs” by William Hung.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RrLQUN8UJg

  10. Bridget Magnus

    June 29, 2009 at 12:09 am

    Wow, you’ve managed to capture the essence of dealing with big REO teams. All it needs is “please leave a message and wait up to 2 weeks for a reply”

  11. Paula Henry

    June 29, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Vicki – This is great! How about:

    I’d like to teach the world to sing…
    It’s a Small World

    @Bridget – more like – we’ll only respond if you r offer is accepted..

  12. Vicki Moore

    July 1, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    I did hear that Chase had an outgoing message that said: We’ll be accepting calls after June 26th. CLICK.

    WTH?!?!

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