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It’s difficult being an internet moron. I should know. I am always amazed when all our resident Geniuses – Benn, Lani, Matt, Brandie, Joe,  Missy, Jack, Ken, Erion…just to name a few…speak freely in another language that involves pings, tracking, SEO’s and a list of other words that baffle me. I am a fossil – a writer who was told I could write if I blog. Heck, I can barely type, so diving into Word Press and Flickr was about as easy for me as getting a sex change. Before my maiden voyage, I thought “blog” was a state of physical distress caused by too much salt on my margaritas.  So here I am, in a world gone mad with technology and new phrases, with no translator.

There must be other morons like me out there. Hello? Are you there? Buck up and admit you are as dense as I am!  On behalf of all of us internet-challenged relics, I am herein providing a vocabulary of words as we know them, so that maybe those Geniuses will understand that they must communicate to some of us through our own portal (whatever that is.) Here it is folks – straight off the Rosetta stone – Vocabulary of the Internet Clueless:

 Website – Vision after 45 (Or after a Colt 45)

Tags – Fleshy outcroppings that should be lopped off

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SEO – Serious Estrogen Overload (Not limited to Pamela Anderson…or Clay Aiken)

Upload – A high colonic

Download – The aftermath of too many burritos

Portal – Location of a Download

Home Page – ET phoning home

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Search Engine – A drill performed by those idiots who lost that fire truck in Iowa

Twitter – PeeWee Herman on Red Bull

Flash Drive – Britney on Hollywood Blvd.

Tweet – “Sweet” – as pronounced in West Hollywood (and by Clay Aiken)

Active Rain – A serious incontinence problem

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Gravatar – A super serious situation with the asphalt

Hack – The act of coughing up something the size of a gerbil.

Avitar – A VERY small aviator

IDX – The ritual of going into the Witness Protection Program – popular in Jersey

Sees-mic -Keith Richards having a flash back

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Widget –A widow giving a wedgie

Ping – One of the Ling twins from Beijing – Sister to Dinguh (Think about it…)

Backtracks – Nickname for the guy who tried to cross Pacific Coast Highway and was flattened into the gravatar

Jpeg – Peg Steinberg from the Bronx

Pixels – Those little people that make Keebler cookies

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Link – That guy on Mod Squad

Retweet! – John Wayne on Helium commanding his troops to turn back

Optimization – Getting through the light at Hollywood and Vine in only four tries.

Post – Paris Hilton

LinkedIn – O.J. on work detail at Lovelock Correctional Center

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Meta – The chick Tevye fiddled on the roof when Golde was busy making matzo balls

Social Media – Journalists at a Mary Kay party

URL – Urinary Random Leakage – A condition caused by too many Coronas

UTube – A treatment for URL 

So, all you Geniuses out there, I hope this mini-dictionary has helped you understand what we internet nubies hear when you use those words. Makes you Actively Rain in your boxers, doesn’t it? Perhaps we can have a summit and figure out how to communicate. This is for YOUR benefit as well as ours. You may want to think twice the next time you tell someone you signed up for an RSS Feed – in my town that refers to the movement to Rescue Starving Starlets…so we’ll just toss you a ham sandwich.

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Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn, LAhomesite.com, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.

33 Comments

33 Comments

  1. Joe Loomer

    August 7, 2009 at 10:22 am

    Good God in Heaven – My “Portal” had a serious “Download” when I read your definition of “Twitter.”

    I’d hate to see what you’d define “Meta Tag” as…. perhaps what Tevye bragged about later?

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  2. Benn Rosales

    August 7, 2009 at 10:47 am

    haha oh man, now you’re speaking my language! I’m sending this to the family and a few choice net clients!

  3. Lani Rosales

    August 7, 2009 at 10:48 am

    OMG YOU JUST MADE ME URL MYSELF!!!! LOL

  4. Ian Greenleigh

    August 7, 2009 at 11:07 am

    I would add an alternate entry for Flash Drive:

    A drive-by showing of tuchus

    This, of course, was the genesis of the DriveBuy brand you all know and love.

  5. Ken Brand

    August 7, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    Here’s a tech support code word acronym. When asked an obvious question and a seeming malfuntion with software and hardware the techie responds, ” Ummm, I think we have “PICNIC” problem.

    Problem
    In
    Chair
    Not
    In
    Computer

    I love your stuff. Cheers.

  6. Gwen Banta

    August 7, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    Joe, thank you so much for that helping me understand Internet Vocabulary. I’ll be sure not to hook up with Tevye if he can’t keep his face portal shut. I knew I should have pushed him off the roof when I had a chance!

  7. Gwen Banta

    August 7, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    It must be a burden to be a genius, Benn. What is so simple to you is a conundrum for me. My clients never complain that they don’t understand my moronic vocabulary. Of course, half of them are usually stoned…

  8. Gwen Banta

    August 7, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    I have a spare UTube for you, Lani. It comes in handy on long trips. (I think it was invented by Fergie of Black Eyed Peas after her unfortunate URL on stage… but don’t quote me on that 🙂

  9. Gwen Banta

    August 7, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    Thank you, Ian – all contributions are welcome. Maybe you can help translate for us tech-challenged dim-twits (a Twitter moron 🙂

  10. Gwen Banta

    August 7, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    Thanks, Ken – I’ll remember that. I’m a problem in my OWN chair, but I am sure my computer is involved in a conspiracy to take me down. Sometimes I can hear it laughing at me and whispering behind my back. I think it’s in cahoots with my Blackberry. Even my car computer is in on it. There’s a revolt going on. I have evidence that my keyboard is part of the Resistance. It’s a vicious plot. If I do not show up to blog next week, please alert someone. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go take my medication…

  11. Jim Rake

    August 8, 2009 at 8:24 am

    Thanks Gwen,

    I just love a good sense of humor! Hmmm, wonder what you’d get if you mixed a Twitter with a widget?

  12. Missy Caulk

    August 8, 2009 at 9:01 am

    Ha, this cracked me up….a new language…like buying a house for the first time.

    hey, I’m learning too.

  13. Erion Shehaj

    August 8, 2009 at 10:55 am

    😀 Thanks for the great laugh. I bet you Active Rain never saw this coming when they picked that name. Forwarding link as we speak.

  14. Paula Henry

    August 8, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Too funny – only because I relate. A little over two years ago, I didn’t know about uploading and linking and now, there’s more technology to learn. By the time I learn it, there will be something new. At some point, I will hang it up and go on vacation.

  15. Gwen Banta

    August 8, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    Hi Jim – I think the a Twitter and Widget combo would be defined as: A widow on Red Bull giving Peewee Herman a wedgie…definitely not a good visual…

  16. Gwen Banta

    August 8, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Good point, Missy. Maybe I should provide the Rosetta Stone for Buyers’ interpretation of Real Estate vocabulary words. For instance – Commission: An elusive treasure believed to be hidden in the ancient kingdom of Boom, and rumored to be controlled by a vicious tribe of insane appraisers who have joined forces with a reactionary group called “Red-Faced Lenders”.

  17. Gwen Banta

    August 8, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    I wonder if Wikipedia thought carefully about their name, Erion. That sounds like a serious male bladder problem to me.

  18. Gwen Banta

    August 8, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    Don’t worry, Paula. A lot of us will already be on your vacation island, waiting for you with a tall MaiTai and a bottle of sunscreen. At the stroke of midnight we will toss all blackberries, netbooks and computers into the ocean. After a ritualistic dance around the fire, we will then collectively bemoan the fact that we cannot access GPS to find our way to the nearest pizza joint, but nonetheless, we will sleep like babies.

  19. Debra Sinick

    August 9, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    Love this! Will be passing it on. Thanks for making me laugh out loud!

  20. Gwen Banta

    August 13, 2009 at 3:27 am

    Thank you, Debra. In my next blog I will be addressing the Social Networking pressures that are driving me MAD. I bet you’ll be able to relate. Until then – have a good week – g

  21. Debra Sinick

    August 13, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Looking forward to it!

  22. Madison real estate

    August 17, 2009 at 8:56 pm

    Ahhhhhhhhh, SEO! So *that* explains the outrageous behavior of Post and Flash Drive! Thank you for enlightening (and entertaining!) me.

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