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Opinion Editorials

Craport for two – and other horrific MLS waste

I’m back this week with more MLS and real estate ad bloopers; and a few of them will bring tears to your eyes. Some of these agents are either in too much of a hurry, or too dumb to waste air. But who am I to judge…I once signed a letter, “Best retards, Gwen.” I am sure my client thought that said it all. Thanks to Dick Beals of Wilmington, NC for his great contribution. Proof or goof, friends. Check these out:

Haste Makes “Waste”

“Craport for two” (Great – an outhouse for the Olsen twins.)

“Peas don’t be early” (Peas don’t be a moron.)

“Must go pass target” (Not if I aim straight…and you don’t duck.)

“All guesses welcome” (My guesses that you’ve had a lobotomy.)

“Extra long dive” (Thank you and your Speedo, Michael Phelps.)

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“Deck with BBQ above garbage” (What could be more tempting than maggots on a burger?)

“Has major retrofat” (So does my retro a__.)

More Bull

“Nice vestedbulle” (Nothing says Ole’  like a bull in a Brooks Brothers suit.)

“Lots of hand cut in den” (Lots of big stitches in E.R.)

“Sit down w/ owner & work pout” (I tried that, but my seller still won’t give me his Jag as a bonus.) 

“Nice polish wood” (Have you tried their sausages?)

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“No much energy use” (Is that why your brain won’t fire?)

“House close to chuck” (Your spelling is close to up-chuck)

“New gutters & screams” (…Just another night in the Hollywood Hills.)

My Pick ‘o The Week:

“Seller very faxible” (But how do you squeeze him into the document feeder?)

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Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Joe Loomer

    September 2, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Hey! I showed that one with the BBQ just this week!

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  2. Gwen Banta

    September 2, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    Joe, did yours have a crapper, uh, I mean "craport" for two?

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