Yes, this is the time of year when we should have nothing but love in our hearts. But you all know me well by now: Take one shot of satire, mix with the greatest office tales one could ever gather, shake gently, and then serve straight up (followed by a few real martini chasers). These are the best dumb real estate questions reported to me this year. Enjoy yourselves while I pour another martini – salud!
They Must Only Let You Out on Weekends
1) “The sellers did not disclose that the neighbor is a drunk, and he passed out on our front lawn. Can we sue the previous owner?” (Hmmm…let me check the drunk clause in your contract. Oh, here it is right here: It says, “You’re an idiot.”)
2) “Will the sellers be taking the septic with them?” ( Not unless they have S__t for Brains and are in the fertilizer business.)
3) “Can we put a window over the fireplace to increase the light?” (Great idea, and then you won’t have to pay for your dead canary to go to college…”
4) “Will the lender let us move in and then defer the mortgage payments until after we do some decorating?” (Of course, Mr. and Mrs. Whackadoodle – I’m sure your happiness is payment enough.)
5) “Can I put up my Rolex as a good faith deposit?” (Certainly – why don’t you jump into the ‘ol VW bus and drive it over to the lender with an ounce of that pot you’ve been smoking?)
Home Features and Strange Creatures
6) “Does the garage come with the house?” (Yes, but that family room is going to cost you extra.)
7) “I thought a ‘Jack and Jill’ was slang for a ‘well.’” (No, it’s a Hollywood dating ritual wherein both parties drink too much and then roll down the hill and break their crowns (dental) in Paris Hilton’s backyard.)
8) “Are they taking the new wall-to-wall carpet with them?” (Yes. And the walls that hold it in place. The pad stays – hence the term, “I got a great new pad.”)
9) “Does ‘surround sound’ refer to the noise in the neighborhood?” (No, it refers to the voices in your head, my dear.)
10) “They said it has ‘armed patrol’ – so where does the guard stand?” ( “Armed Patrol” just means that the cops in the area all have arms…legs are optional.)
11) “Can you convince the noisy paparrzzi at _____’s house across the street to go away?” Most certainly…as soon as you can convince famous athletes to keep their junk in the trunk.)
12) “It says Cary Grant once lived here. Who was he?” (He’s the guy who is buried in Grant’s tomb. He was our 62nd president. He originated the expression, “Tippecanoe and Tyler, too” in reference to a scandalous event wherein singer Steven Tyler of Aerosmith fell out of a canoe while crossing the Delaware and froze his cajones. President Cary Grant married singer Amy Grant. They gave birth to actor Hugh Grant and newspaperman Lou Grant. He also invented the fifty dollar bill so he would always be in your pocket like every other politician we know.
It’s a Baker’s Dozen!
13) “We don’t like the listing agent. Can you get rid of her and do the whole deal yourself?” (Shhh… don’t disturb me, my brilliant clients… I’m trying to figure out a way I can do this and stay out of the slammer. I’ll get back to you in 2010. Happy Holidays! )