Aaaraugh! This is the time of year when we are faced with New Year’s resolutions, and I am hopelessly stumped. I try to set the bar low for myself, as I am notorious at tripping over the line within minutes of heralding the new year. I cannot stick to diets, and gym plans are about as realistic for me as a martini fast. However, I will hesitantly commit to the following improvements:
1. I will not tell a client who lights up in my car that I’m sure she’ll sound sexy when she has to speak through a hole in her throat.
2. I will not reassure a client that “we’ve seen the bottom” when her fat, hairy husband bends over my desk and reveals his butt crack.
3. I will not promise new residents of L.A. that earthquakes are no more disconcerting than really bad sex.
4. I will not tell a client I will lower my commission when he lowers his receding hairline.
5. When my client is speeding while talking on his cell phone, I will not scream, ‘You just hit a coyote!”
6. I will not speed up and blast the horn just to scare oblivious tourists in Sponge Bob pants who stand in the middle of Hollywood Blvd snapping photos at rush hour.
7. I will no longer send naked photos of Angelina’s body to George Clooney and pretend they are of me…nor will I ignore a restraining order just because they spelled my name wrong.
8. I promise not to yell, “Call Betty Ford” when my manager trips on the carpet during an office meeting.
9. When my partner tells me at the office party that my make-up looks good, I will not tell him, “so does yours, nancy-boy.”
10.”I will not threaten to eviscerate the out-of-town, prepubescent appraiser who asks me if the Sunset Strip is a shopping mall. Nor will I ignore a restraining order just because…
11. When tourists in rental cars complain about L.A. traffic, I will neither drop the F-bomb nor use my taser… well, certainly not more than twice.
12. I will not suggest to the agent who leaves offensive-smelling brussels sprouts on her desk all day that she try Imodium A-D for her flatulence challenges.
13. I will not put my work shirt in the washing machine if my work shirt pockets contain nails and a bottle of wood glue.
14. I will not use a rubber spatula in a blender without checking afterward to make sure pieces of rubber spatula are not in the spinach dip I made for the office Christmas party.
15. I will not hold hot coffee in my hand while bending over in the driver’s seat to retrieve dropped coins.
16. I will not tell a prospective buyer with a FICO of 540 that her prospects couldn’t be worse if she were married to Randy Quaid.
17. I will not tell the underwriter from Union Bank that my client would have fared better with Hannibal Lecter and that he should shove his fava beans up his chianti.
18. When stopped in a massive traffic jam on the Santa Monica Freeway, I will not flirt with the guy in the car next to me if he is being pursued by a beefcake traffic cop.
19. I will not offer the beefcake traffic cop a free home appraisal if he ignores my broken tail light.
CONCLUSION: If I cannot keep my resolutions, I will set the bar low, drink a martini, and try to limbo underneath it. If that, too, fails, I will have another martini, jump over the bar and finish the free appraisal I’m doing for that beefcake traffic cop.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, FRIENDS!
Bryan Thompson
January 7, 2011 at 2:33 pm
Gwen,
#1, 8, & 14 – LMAO. While I have pretty limited faith in resolutions, I’m curious to see how yours turn up. Hold off on that martini fast. You may be able to do these. 🙂
MH for Movoto
January 7, 2011 at 5:14 pm
These are HILARIOUS. Love ’em. Thanks for sharing.
Gwen Banta
January 7, 2011 at 6:29 pm
Thanks for your confidence, Bryan, but I have already broken most of them!