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Lowering the bar – resolutions of a humorist

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Aaaraugh! This is the time of year when we are faced with New Year’s resolutions, and I am hopelessly stumped. I try to set the bar low for myself, as I am notorious at tripping over the line within minutes of heralding the new year. I cannot stick to diets, and gym plans are about as realistic for me as a martini fast. However, I will hesitantly commit to the following improvements:

1. I will not tell a client who lights up in my car that I’m sure she’ll sound sexy when she has to speak through a hole in her throat.

2. I will not reassure a client that “we’ve seen the bottom” when her fat, hairy husband bends over my desk and reveals his butt crack.

3. I will not promise new residents of L.A. that earthquakes are no more disconcerting than really bad sex.

4. I will not tell a client I will lower my commission when he lowers his receding hairline.

5. When my client is speeding while talking on his cell phone, I will not scream, ‘You just hit a coyote!”

6. I will not speed up and blast the horn just to scare oblivious tourists in Sponge Bob pants who stand in the middle of Hollywood Blvd snapping photos at rush hour.

7. I will no longer send naked photos of Angelina’s body to George Clooney and pretend they are of me…nor will I ignore a restraining order just because they spelled my name wrong.

8. I promise not to yell, “Call Betty Ford” when my manager trips on the carpet during an office meeting.

9. When my partner tells me at the office party that my make-up looks good, I will not tell him, “so does yours, nancy-boy.”

10.”I will not threaten to eviscerate the out-of-town, prepubescent appraiser who asks me if the Sunset Strip is a shopping mall. Nor will I ignore a restraining order just because…

11. When tourists in rental cars complain about L.A. traffic, I will neither drop the F-bomb nor use my taser… well, certainly not more than twice.

12. I will not suggest to the agent who leaves offensive-smelling brussels sprouts on her desk all day that she try Imodium A-D  for her flatulence challenges.

13. I will not put my work shirt in the washing machine if my work shirt pockets contain nails and a bottle of wood glue.

14. I will not use a rubber spatula in a blender without checking afterward to make sure pieces of rubber spatula are not in the spinach dip I made for the office Christmas party.

15. I will not hold hot coffee in my hand while bending over in the driver’s seat to retrieve dropped coins.

16. I will not tell a prospective buyer with a FICO of 540 that her prospects couldn’t be worse if she were married to Randy Quaid.

17. I will not tell the underwriter from Union Bank  that my client would have fared better with Hannibal Lecter and that he should shove his fava beans up his chianti.

18. When stopped in a massive traffic jam on the Santa Monica Freeway, I will not flirt with the guy in the car next to me  if he is being pursued by a  beefcake traffic cop.

19. I will not offer the beefcake traffic cop a free home appraisal if he ignores my broken tail light.

CONCLUSION:  If I cannot keep my resolutions, I will set the bar low, drink a martini, and try to limbo underneath it.  If that, too, fails, I will have another martini,  jump over the bar and finish the free appraisal I’m doing for that beefcake traffic cop.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FRIENDS!

www.SherlockOfHomes.blogspot.com/

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn, LAhomesite.com, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.

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9 Comments

9 Comments

  1. Bryan Thompson

    January 7, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Gwen,

    #1, 8, & 14 – LMAO. While I have pretty limited faith in resolutions, I’m curious to see how yours turn up. Hold off on that martini fast. You may be able to do these. 🙂

  2. MH for Movoto

    January 7, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    These are HILARIOUS. Love ’em. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Gwen Banta

    January 7, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Thanks for your confidence, Bryan, but I have already broken most of them!

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Business Marketing

“House has spark” – burning up the MLS with typos and other bloopers

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The year is starting a march toward its natural ending, friends…and it seems a few real estate careers may be also. This week I found some real head-scratchers in local real estate ads and the MLS.  However, I get submissions from all over the U.S., so no one is safe from the eyes of  the Blooper Scooper. Check out these blunders:

Do You Smell Smoke?

“House has spark” (Apparently your real estate career isn’t the only thing going up in smoke.)

“Big pep area in kitchen” (Is that the cookie jar where Mommy Dearest stashes her uppers?) 

“Dull Viking ovens” (Methinks there’s something in the cookie jar that will perk up those dull Vikings.)

“Large greenhose in back” (Large, naked Jolly Green Giant in yard.)

“Mush added to this house” (Was that the overflow from between your ears?)

I Think I See Flames

“Beautifully remolded guest” (Another cosmetically-altered Barbie hits the Hollywood party circuit.)

“Enjoy a drink poolslide” ( Hell, if the pool is sliding, I’ll need a whole pint of Jack.)

“Each bedroom has own bedrooom” (Hello-o-o, Alice, how are things down there in the rabbit hole?)

“Separate pod to build GH” (That should please my pea-sized buyers.)

“Play room for the kiss” (Something tells me this is the back seat of a ’67 Chevy.)

Still Smoldering…

“Ideal for gusts” (That’s great…if you want to live in a wind sock.)

“Impaccably detailed” (Incredibly challenged)

“Stylish pewder room” (Try burning a match.)

“Stone pillars flake driveway” (Flakey agent got stoned in driveway.)

Nothing But Embers (This Week’s Fave):

“From a bygone error” (You have just written your own epitaph.)

 

 

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Business Marketing

“New bd pans inc” – Making a Splash on the MLS

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I have two things to say this week: 1. When you drink, you can’t think. 2. When you drink you can’t- … uh, what was I saying? Oh, yes – the MLS.  It was so full of bloopers this week that I am led to conclude that happy hour started Monday and never stopped. Read these and tell me if it is any wonder I was driven to throw back a few martinis myself:

Booze ‘N’ Fools

“Free membership to gin inc” (It seems someone else beat us to it, Martini Mary.)

“Grab now use imagination” (That’s what Arnold said to his housekeeper.)

“House has new edition” (Agent lacks erudition.)

“Babblying broke runs in back” (Bumbling buffoon runs amuck.)

“Drop by for cocktail ho” (Oh, is the Sunset Strip for sale?)

Puff ‘N’ Stuff

“Near Sacramento airpot” (I believe his name is Jerry Brown.)

“Claw me for selling” (I’m too busy clawing my eyes out over your spelling.)

“Reduction on mid-century ner Holywod” (Another mid-sixties porn star is looking for work.)

“We can sake your home” (Can I get fried rice with my sake?)

Proof or Goof

“Nice streem” (Said Grandma to Grandpa after his diaper  exploded.)

“Nice for dog kids” (Uh, they’re called ‘puppies,” pal.)

“New bd pans included” (Thank you, Nurse Nancy – can you warm those first?)

“Good stable in neighborhood.” (Have you contacted Mary and Joseph?)

“Drawing for plasma” (Is this a blood-bank?)

And This Week’s Winner Is:

“Good school in areola” (Thanks for keeping me abreast of things.)

PROOF OR GOOF, FRIENDS – I’M WATCHING EWE 🙂

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Highlights

My secret office organization tip – Sharpies and tape

If you’re still practicing to be OCD, here is a secret I don’t typically share with anyone, but I’m willing to share with you today…

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Keeping organized

I used to be obsessed with the P-touch machine. I labeled everything. Drawers, shelves, folders, canisters, and anything that I could think of putting a label on.

But the label makers weren’t as pretty as my own handwriting and didn’t come in every color a Sharpie does, so I got the brilliant idea one day to write in light blue sharpie in my beautiful handwriting on clear tape, placed neatly on the shelves in the pantry. Visitors thought I had written on the cabinets, “what if you have to move things?” they asked. “It’s just tape, look!” I said as if I was performing a complicated magic trick.

Not just shelves!

It’s great to use this tip on files and folders so you can reuse them (especially if you have custom files or designer files), on drawers at the bottom of each section where pens and tape goes, and especially in the break room.

No more label maker, no more refill cartridges and no more mess, especially someone else’s mess! Trust me, this is an OCD person’s dream organizing tip!

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