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MLS Mistakes- Wall Repaired, Butt Cracks on Surface

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butt crack

We have seen a lot of examples of how our MLS is full of misspelled words and oddly chosen adjectives. Now it’s time to move on to misplaced phrases – phrases that may leave you gasping or guffawing: 

A Home You Can’t Refuse 

“All wall damage repaired, butt cracks on surface.” (Bummer.)

“Light filled home with strategically located mirrors.” (Decorated by Hugh Hefner, no doubt.)

“Bathroom has His and His sinks.” (And matching urinals, I suppose…)

“Sit and enjoy the kitchen fire while Mom cooks.” (Mom attended the Gwen Banta School of Flash Cooking.)

“Bathroom has new sunken tub and toilet.” (A new angle for the dangle.)

“Yard with kennel and sandbox for the kiddies.” (When a babysitter just won’t do…)

“New addition with bedroom with French doors and pig roaster.” (For those who have an avid interest in porking. )

“Kitchen with Spanish influences and un-permitted large maids quartered.” (Influenced by the Spanish Inquisition it seems.)

“Lovely home with new baths with EZ freeway Access.” (Pee and Flee.) 

I Love Paris in the Spring time 

“Cute home near elementary school with outdoor spa and Tiki bar.” (Welcome to Paris Hilton Elementary School.)

“Relax in the swirling spa and toilets.” (When a bidet just won’t do…)

“New irrigation system and water slide installed.” (A clever way to divert the squirt.)

 “Beautiful home with secluded privates and gated.” (I believe that’s called a chastity belt.)

“Large yard a Pool with a waterfall and a new septic system.”  (Beware the Baby Ruth floating in the deep end…)

“Foyer with faux walls.” (Agent who drinks and has visions.)

“House on lake has flowing rooms.” (Row, Row, Row Your boat…)

 “Gourmet kitchen with breakfast bar, Vikings and Caesar. (When one conqueror just won’t do…)

And My Fave: 

“Bathrooms have new vanities and toilets. Seller has already gone – very motivated.” (Apparently he moved…and then he moved.)

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn, LAhomesite.com, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.

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16 Comments

16 Comments

  1. Ben Goheen

    November 13, 2009 at 9:17 am

    For the bathroom with the “his and his” sinks: matching urinals

  2. Donna Patton

    November 13, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    Too funny, but sad all at the same time because we have all seen stuff like this.

  3. Gwen Banta

    November 13, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Donna, I think people tend to add phrases as they write without re-reading them. The juxtapositions can be hilarious. “Balloon Mania – When you’re high you no longer feel low.”

  4. Joe Loomer

    November 13, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    Wow Gwen – got funnier the SECOND time I read it! (I’ll keep that as our “inside” joke).

    Was it the lake house with flowing rooms that also had the sunken tub and toilet? Or was that the one with the septic pool?

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  5. Gwen Banta

    November 13, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    Joe – I am honored to hear from the new Asst. Team Leader at KW. Hell, I couldn’t lead a group of octogenarians to Bingo. In answer to your question, I think it was the house with the new irrigation system that had sunken and flowing features. In fact, I think I own that property… Have a great week – G

  6. Gwen Banta

    November 13, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    Hello to Beautiful Puget Sound!

    • Patrick Flynn

      November 13, 2009 at 4:43 pm

      Thanks for the great post…keep ’em coming!

  7. Rob McCance

    November 13, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    “Beautiful home with secluded privates and gated.” (I believe that’s called a chastity belt.)

    ’nuff said.

  8. John Badalamenti

    November 13, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    Great stuff…! Love the posts!

  9. Steven Beam

    November 13, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    My favorite from around here was from a few years ago. “totally updated house but not really.” I never understood exactly what it was supposed to mean. I never made it over to view the place but always wished I had taken the time.

  10. Heidi Marsh

    November 17, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    O.K. all i want to know is who’s grabbin’ a drink out of THAT cooler? YIKES! That’s one way to protect a twelve pack! Almost couldn’t scroll down to read the Disc funnies!

    Adding to the humor- Agent notes the individuals obvious dedication to turning a corner on his health by selecting Bud “Light”.

    Thanks for the giggles- Heidi Marsh

  11. Gwen Banta

    November 17, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    Thanks, Patrick, Rob and John. Rob, I think the gated privates went out with the corset…unless you were raised by MY dad!

  12. Gwen Banta

    November 17, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    Steven, you should have called to say you had a buyer…”but not really.” WTH?

  13. Gwen Banta

    November 17, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    Great commentary on the photo, Heidi. And what in God’s name is that mark on his butt cheek? Dear God, please tell me it isn’t a hickey!

  14. benhunt

    November 11, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Thank you. That put a smile on my face.

  15. Jim Garca

    March 24, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    People need to proof read a fews times before hitting enter – I saw this one once. Oversized d_ck out back for summer time enjoyment.

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Business Marketing

Bite-sized retail: Macy’s plans to move out of malls

(BUSINESS MARKETING) While Macy’s shares have recently climbed, the department store chain is making a change in regards to big retail shopping malls.

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Macy's retail storefront, which may look different as they scale to smaller stores.

I was recently listening to a podcast on Barstool Sports, and was surprised to hear that their presenting sponsor was Macy’s. This struck me as odd considering the demographic for the show is women in their twenties to thirties, and Macy’s typically doesn’t cater to that crowd. Furthermore, department retail stores are becoming a bit antiquated as is.

The sponsorship made more sense once I learned that Macy’s is restructuring their operation, and now allowing their brand to go the way of the ghost. They feel that while malls will remain in operation, only the best (AKA the malls with the most foot traffic) will stand the test of changes in the shopping experience.

As we’ve seen a gigantic rise this year in online shopping, stores like Macy’s and JC Penney are working hard to keep themselves afloat. There is so much changing in brick and mortar retail that major shifts need to be made.

So, what is Macy’s proposing to do?

The upscale department store chain is going to be testing smaller stores in locations outside of major shopping malls. Bloomingdale’s stores will be doing the same. “We continue to believe that the best malls in the country will thrive,” CEO Jeff Gennette told CNBC analysts. “However, we also know that Macy’s and Bloomingdale’s have high potential [off]-mall and in smaller formats.”

While the pandemic assuredly plays a role in this, the need for change came even before the hit in March. Macy’s had announced in February their plans to close 125 stores in the next three years. This is in conjunction with Macy’s expansion of Macy’s Backstage, which offers more affordable options.

Gennette also stated that while those original plans are still in place, Macy’s has been closely monitoring the competition in the event that they need to adjust the store closure timeline. At the end of the second quarter, Macy’s had 771 stores, including Bloomingdale’s and Bluemercury.

Last week, Macy’s shares climbed 3 percent, after the retailer reported a more narrow loss than originally expected, along with stronger sales due to an uptick in their online business. So they’re already doing well in that regard. But will smaller stores be the change they need to survive?

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Business Marketing

Why you must nix MLM experience from your resume

(BUSINESS MARKETING) MLMs prey on people without much choice, but once you try to switch to something more stable, don’t use the MLM as experience.

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Discussing including MLM experience on a resume.

MLM experience… Is it worth keeping on your resume?

Are you or someone you know looking for a job after a stint in an MLM? Well, first off, congratulations for pursuing a real job that will provide a steady salary! But I also know that transition can be hard. The job market is already tight and if you don’t have much other work experience on your resume, is it worth trying to leverage your MLM experience?

The short answer? Heck no.

As Ask the Manager puts it, there’s a “strong stigma against [MLMs],” meaning your work experience might very well put a bad taste in the mouth of anyone looking through resumes. And looking past the sketchy products many offer, when nearly half of people in MLMs lose money and another quarter barely break even, it sure doesn’t paint you in a good light to be involved.

(Not to mention, many who do turn a profit only do so by recruiting more people, not actually by selling many products.)

“But I wouldn’t say I worked for an MLM,” you or your friend might say, “I was a small business owner!”

It’s a common selling point for MLMs, that often throw around pseudo-feminist feel good slang like “Boss Babe” or a “Momtrepreneur,” to tell women joining that they’re now business women! Except, as you might have guessed, that’s not actually the case, unless by “Boss Babe” you mean “Babe Who Goes Bankrupt or Tries to Bankrupt Her Friends.”

A more accurate title for the job you did at an MLM would be Sales Rep, because you have no stake in the creation of the product, or setting the prices, or any of the myriad of tasks that a real entrepreneur has to face.

Okay, that doesn’t sound nearly as impressive as “small business owner.” And I know it’s tempting to talk up your experience on a resume, but that can fall apart pretty quickly if you can’t actually speak to actual entrepreneur experience. It makes you look like you don’t know what you’re talking about…which is also not a good look for the job hunt.

That said… Depending on your situation, it might be difficult to leave any potential work experience off your resume. I get it. MLMs often target people who don’t have options for other work opportunities – and it’s possible you’re one of the unlucky ones who doesn’t have much else to put on paper.

In this case, you’ll want to do it carefully. Use the sales representative title (or something similar) and, if you’re like the roughly 50% of people who lose money from MLMs, highlight your soft skills. Did you do cold calls? Tailor events to the people who would be attending? Get creative, just make sure to do it within reason.

It’s not ideal to use your MLM experience on a resume, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. Still, congratulations to you, or anyone you know, who has decided to pursue something that will actually help pay the bills.

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Business Marketing

This smart card manages employee spending with ease

(BUSINESS MARKETING) Clever credit cards make it easier for companies to set spending policies and help alleviate expense problems for both them and their employees.

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Spendesk showing off its company credit cards.

Company credit cards are a wonderful solution to managing business expenses. They work almost exactly like debit cards, which we all know how to use, am I right? It is the twenty-first century after all. Simply swipe, dip, or tap, and a transaction is complete.

However, keeping up with invoices and receipts is a nightmare. I know I’ve had my fair share of hunting down wrinkled pieces of paper after organizing work events. Filling out endless expense reports is tedious. Plus, the back and forth communication with the finance team to justify purchases can cause a headache on both ends.

Company credit cards make it easier for companies to keep track of who’s spending money and how much. However, they aren’t able to see final numbers until expense reports are submitted. This makes monitoring spending a challenge. Also, reviewing all the paperwork to reimburse employees is time-consuming.

But Spendesk is here to combat those downsides! This all-in-one corporate expense and spend management service provides a promising alternative to internal management. The French startup “combines spend approvals, company cards, and automated accounting into one refreshingly easy spend management solution.”

Their clever company cards are what companies and employees have all been waiting for! With increasing remote workforces, this new form of payment comes at just the right moment to help companies simplify their expenditures.

These smart cards remove limitations regular company cards have today. Spendesk’s employee debit cards offer companies options to monitor budgets, customize settings, and set specific authorizations. For instance, companies can set predefined budgets and spending category limitations on flights, hotels, restaurants, etc. Then they don’t have to worry about an employee taking advantage of their card by booking a first-class flight or eating at a high-end steakhouse.

All transactions are tracked in real time so finance and accounting can see purchases right as they happen. Increasing visibility is important, especially when your employee is working remotely.

And for employees, this new form of payment is more convenient and easier on the pocket. “These are smart employee company cards with built-in spending policies. Employees can pay for business expenses when they need to without ever having to spend their own money,” the company demonstrated in a company video.

Not having to dip into your checking account is a plus in my book! And for remote employees who just need to make a single purchase, Spendesk has single-use virtual debit cards, too.

Now, that’s a smart card!

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