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MLS Mistakes- Wall Repaired, Butt Cracks on Surface

butt crack

We have seen a lot of examples of how our MLS is full of misspelled words and oddly chosen adjectives. Now it’s time to move on to misplaced phrases – phrases that may leave you gasping or guffawing: 

A Home You Can’t Refuse 

“All wall damage repaired, butt cracks on surface.” (Bummer.)

“Light filled home with strategically located mirrors.” (Decorated by Hugh Hefner, no doubt.)

“Bathroom has His and His sinks.” (And matching urinals, I suppose…)

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“Sit and enjoy the kitchen fire while Mom cooks.” (Mom attended the Gwen Banta School of Flash Cooking.)

“Bathroom has new sunken tub and toilet.” (A new angle for the dangle.)

“Yard with kennel and sandbox for the kiddies.” (When a babysitter just won’t do…)

“New addition with bedroom with French doors and pig roaster.” (For those who have an avid interest in porking. )

“Kitchen with Spanish influences and un-permitted large maids quartered.” (Influenced by the Spanish Inquisition it seems.)

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“Lovely home with new baths with EZ freeway Access.” (Pee and Flee.) 

I Love Paris in the Spring time 

“Cute home near elementary school with outdoor spa and Tiki bar.” (Welcome to Paris Hilton Elementary School.)

“Relax in the swirling spa and toilets.” (When a bidet just won’t do…)

“New irrigation system and water slide installed.” (A clever way to divert the squirt.)

 “Beautiful home with secluded privates and gated.” (I believe that’s called a chastity belt.)

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“Large yard a Pool with a waterfall and a new septic system.”  (Beware the Baby Ruth floating in the deep end…)

“Foyer with faux walls.” (Agent who drinks and has visions.)

“House on lake has flowing rooms.” (Row, Row, Row Your boat…)

 “Gourmet kitchen with breakfast bar, Vikings and Caesar. (When one conqueror just won’t do…)

And My Fave: 

“Bathrooms have new vanities and toilets. Seller has already gone – very motivated.” (Apparently he moved…and then he moved.)

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Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Ben Goheen

    November 13, 2009 at 9:17 am

    For the bathroom with the “his and his” sinks: matching urinals

  2. Donna Patton

    November 13, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    Too funny, but sad all at the same time because we have all seen stuff like this.

  3. Gwen Banta

    November 13, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Donna, I think people tend to add phrases as they write without re-reading them. The juxtapositions can be hilarious. “Balloon Mania – When you’re high you no longer feel low.”

  4. Joe Loomer

    November 13, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    Wow Gwen – got funnier the SECOND time I read it! (I’ll keep that as our “inside” joke).

    Was it the lake house with flowing rooms that also had the sunken tub and toilet? Or was that the one with the septic pool?

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  5. Gwen Banta

    November 13, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    Joe – I am honored to hear from the new Asst. Team Leader at KW. Hell, I couldn’t lead a group of octogenarians to Bingo. In answer to your question, I think it was the house with the new irrigation system that had sunken and flowing features. In fact, I think I own that property… Have a great week – G

  6. Gwen Banta

    November 13, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    Hello to Beautiful Puget Sound!

    • Patrick Flynn

      November 13, 2009 at 4:43 pm

      Thanks for the great post…keep ’em coming!

  7. Rob McCance

    November 13, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    “Beautiful home with secluded privates and gated.” (I believe that’s called a chastity belt.)

    ’nuff said.

  8. John Badalamenti

    November 13, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    Great stuff…! Love the posts!

  9. Steven Beam

    November 13, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    My favorite from around here was from a few years ago. “totally updated house but not really.” I never understood exactly what it was supposed to mean. I never made it over to view the place but always wished I had taken the time.

  10. Heidi Marsh

    November 17, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    O.K. all i want to know is who’s grabbin’ a drink out of THAT cooler? YIKES! That’s one way to protect a twelve pack! Almost couldn’t scroll down to read the Disc funnies!

    Adding to the humor- Agent notes the individuals obvious dedication to turning a corner on his health by selecting Bud “Light”.

    Thanks for the giggles- Heidi Marsh

  11. Gwen Banta

    November 17, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    Thanks, Patrick, Rob and John. Rob, I think the gated privates went out with the corset…unless you were raised by MY dad!

  12. Gwen Banta

    November 17, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    Steven, you should have called to say you had a buyer…”but not really.” WTH?

  13. Gwen Banta

    November 17, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    Great commentary on the photo, Heidi. And what in God’s name is that mark on his butt cheek? Dear God, please tell me it isn’t a hickey!

  14. benhunt

    November 11, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Thank you. That put a smile on my face.

  15. Jim Garca

    March 24, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    People need to proof read a fews times before hitting enter – I saw this one once. Oversized d_ck out back for summer time enjoyment.

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