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Opinion Editorials

“Heated jowel rack” – Taking it on the chin with the MLS

Who ever thought homes had so many amenities to choose from?  Check out this past week’s MLS and real estate ads. These offers are certainly inventive and enticing…well, in a “condemned property” kind of way. Thanks to Realtor Jan Pastras for her great contribution:

Creative Creature Comforts

“Heated jowel rack” (Alas, a warm place for Alec Baldwin to do chin-ups.)

“Lottery and crab bag at open” (Ah…VD – the gift that keeps on giving)

“Leave door shat or we’ll call you back” (If the door shat, you should be calling the Enquirer)

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“Turn left and look for sins” (I’ll do my best, Reverend Sharpton.)

“Disclosure lust provided” (Apparently this is the home of Elliot Spitzer)

Nice..If You’re a Creature

“Short sale bust approved” (Finally – someone who sees the value in an A cup!)”

“Guest has stripper kitchen” (“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”…well, unless you’re Charlie Sheen.”)

“This is one red hat property” (Obviously owned by some guy at the North Pole…)

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 “Free drawing for Ppad” (I’m laughing so hard I may need one.)

“Check mop for directions” (My mop says, “Squeeze dry.”  Oh wait, that’s my Ppad.)

Can I Get a Discount?

“Previous owner loved the kitchen, one of the baths and the porch soooooo much, they took it with them.” (Bank owned, de-boned and ready to clone.)

“Come on down for launch” (I believe that’s an oxymoron, moron.)

“Your buyers will take one book and want it!”  (So says you,  Marian, Madame Librarian.)

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And This Week’s Best Spin Cycle

“High in Laurel Canyon” (Isn’t that a bit redundant?)

“Crash deal preferred” (Just wait ’til the high wears off…)

Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn, LAhomesite.com, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.

16 Comments

16 Comments

  1. Lani Rosales

    March 4, 2011 at 10:21 am

    hahahahaha leave door shat, PRICELESS!

  2. Mortgage PayOff Strategy via Facebook

    March 4, 2011 at 10:25 am

    great info… mark

  3. Gwen Banta

    March 4, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Thanks for the re-posts, friends.

  4. MH for Movoto

    March 4, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    Fabulous and hilarious as always. “Jowel Rack” is the BEST.

  5. Mark

    March 5, 2011 at 12:32 am

    i smell a sale

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