Getting out of those awkward neverending conversations
Ending a networking conversation can be awkward, unpleasant, but absolutely necessary. My colleague, Gary, wrote a wonderful article about why you should end your networking conversations in a timely manner, but I also feel it’s important to address how to politely end those very conversations.
Obviously, you do not want to alienate a potential contact, but you also don’t want to be roped into endless small talk just because, either. So how do you exit those conversations to save face and time? Here are a few tried and true tips to help make things less awkward:
Try not to feel obligated to stay
Too many times when we’re in a conversation, we feel as if it would be rude to leave, even though we know we’re needed elsewhere. You’re at an event to network. There is nothing rude about politely excusing yourself and moving on to your next contact.
You have things to do, people to meet, and so do they.
Don’t be afraid to exit. The following tips on how to make a less awkward exit will hopefully help you with this struggle.
Simply excuse yourself
If you’ve just met someone, you do not owe them an explanation. A simple “excuse me,” will suffice. If you feel like that’s a bit too short (as I tend to), an extended version of the same sentiment is, “Please, excuse me. I need to talk to [insert name here].”
It’s still short and to the point but offers a brief explanation so the person doesn’t feel like they’ve done anything to offend you. I tend to err on the side of caution and over-explanation, but you should do whatever comes naturally for you and the setting.
The “no fail” excuse
When all else fails and you feel like you owe the person more of an explanation, there is one excuse that never fails, “Please, exuse me, I’m going to make quick trip to the restroom. It was so nice to meet you.”
This gets you free from the conversation immediately, as everyone understands the pressing need for the restroom after a few rounds of networking cocktails.
Make plans for a later date
Especially in networking events, it may be helpful to exit the conversation with a promise of connecting again later.
Exchanging business cards and details and giving definite date to get together “let’s have lunch next week,” instead of “let’s get together,” is a helpful way to close the conversation, but let the other party know you’re interested in discussing things later.
Another way to go about this is, “it was lovely chatting with you, but I need to go/do/meet something/someone. Could be meetup/chat next week about this?” This puts the ball in their court and lets them know you’re interested, but still have other commitments to attend to.
If you want to end all communication (but gracefully)
All the previous tips assume you want to keep things cordial and leave the doors open for further communication, but what if you’re really not interested in pursuing any further contact? Don’t give platitudes about meeting up later if you really don’t want to (I’m guilty of this one!); instead, give a business card with only your email or web address.
This limits communication, while still being cordial.
If you don’t want any type of communication simply state, “It’s been really nice talking with you, but I should really get back to place/person.” You can also use this opportunity to segue into something else. Try introducing a friend, or saying, “That’s a great idea and I think [insert name] would be just the person to help you out with that” and then politely make your exit.
Rope in a pal to help
If you’re going to an event with a friend or colleague, one of the best ways to exit a conversation without hurt feelings, is to have a preset signal. A cough, a look, holding up one finger, something to signal to the other person you need help. Then, you can exit the conversation guilt-free, but there’s no reason you can’t do this on your own with the tips above.
If people persist in talking or asking for contact details that you are not comfortable discussing/giving there is nothing wrong with saying, “If you’ll please excuse me…” and then walking away. If you try to be polite and they won’t take “no” for an answer, it’s a-okay to walk away. You don’t owe them anything more than a polite “excuse me.” Now, go to that next networking event without fear; you now have an escape plan.
Your goals are more complicated than generalized platitudes, and that’s okay
(OPINION / EDITORIALS) When the tough times get going, “one size fits all” advice just won’t cut it. Your goals are more specific than the cookie cutter platitudes.
“Vulgar, uneducated wisdom based in superstition”, according to the good volunteer compilers at Wikipedia. See also: ‘aphorism’, ‘platitude’, and ‘entrepreneurial advice’.
I’m not saying there’s no good advice for anyone anymore, that’s plain not true. SMART Goals are still relevant, there’s a plethora of cheaper, freeer, more easily accessible tutorials online, and consensus in April-ville is that Made to Stick is STILL a very helpful book.
But when I hear the same ‘pat on the head’ kind of counsel that I got as a kid presented by a serious institution and/or someone intending on being taken seriously by someone who isn’t their grade school-aged nephew, I roll my eyes. A lot.
“Each failure is an opportunity!” “Never give up!” “It’s not how many times you fall!”, yeah, okay, that’s all lovely. And it IS all very true. My issue is… These sunshiney saws? They’re not very specific. And just like a newspaper horoscope, they’re not meant to be (not that I’ll stop reading them).
Example. You’ve been jiggling the rabbit ears of your SEO for months, to no avail. No one’s visiting your site, there’ve been no calls, and the angel investor cash is starting to dip closer to falling from heaven with each passing day.
Does ‘don’t give up’ mean that you use your last bit of cash to take on an expert?
Or does ‘don’t give up’ mean that you go back to R&D and find out that no one actually WANTED your corncob scented perfume to begin with; algorithm tweaking and Demeter Fragrances be damned?
This is the thing about both your goals you make and the guidance you take—they have to be specific. I’m not saying your parents can put a sock in it or anything. I’m thrilled that I’m part of a family that’ll tell me to keep on keeping on. But as far as serious, practical input goes… One size fits all just leaves too much room for interpretation.
When you’re stuck, behind, or otherwise at odds with your growth, are you asking the right questions? Are you sure of what the problem actually is? Do you know whether it’s time to give up a failure of a business and ‘keep pushing’ in the sense of starting another one, or whether you’ve got a good thing on hand that needs you to ‘never say die’ in the sense of giving it more tweaking and time?
No one should have stagnant goals. A pool of gross sitting water is only attractive to mosquitoes and mold. ‘I wanna be rich’ as your business’s raison d’être is a setup for a story about the horrors of literal-minded genies, not an intention you can actually move upon. But that doesn’t mean you need to go hard the other way and get lost in a nebulous fog of easily-published aphorisms.
To be fair, it’s not as if saying ‘Ask the right questions’ is exponentially more helpful than your average feel-good refreshment article, since… This editorial column doesn’t know you or what pies you have your fingers in. But if I can at least steer you away from always running towards the overly general and into an attempt at narrowing down what your real problems are, I’ll consider this a job well done.
Save saws for building community tables.
Be yourself, or be Batman? A simple trick to boost your self-confidence
(OPINION / EDITORIAL) “If you can’t be yourself, be Batman.” We’ve heard it before, but is there a way that this mentality can actually give you self-confidence?
The joke with scary movies is that the characters do stupid things, and so you scream at them. No you dumdums, don’t go FURTHER into the murder circus. Put down the glowing idol of cursed soda gods and their machine gun tempers. Stop it with the zombie dogs. STOP IT WITH THE — WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?
We do this as the audience because we’re removed from the scene. We’re observing, birds eye view imbued ducklings, on our couches, and with our snacks. Weird trick for horror movies to play — makes us feel smart, because we’re not the ones on meat hooks.
But if a zombie crashed through our window, like RIGHT NOW, the first thing we’re going to do doesn’t matter, because that thing is going to be stupid. So so stupid. You can’t believe how stupid you’ll act. Like, “I can’t leave behind my DONUT” stupid, as a zombie chomps your arm that was reaching for a bear claw you weren’t even really enjoying to begin with. “Oh no my DOCUMENTS I can’t leave without my DOCUMENTS.”
There’s a layer of distinction between those two instances — removed versus immersed. And really, this colors a lot of our life. Maybe all of our life. (Spoiler: It is all of our life.)
It’s Imposter Syndrome in overdrive — the crippling thought that you’re going to fail and be found out. And you tell yourself that all the little missteps and mistakes and mis…jumps are entirely your fault. Feedback loops reiterates, and then you get paralyzed. And man, what a time to be alive — what with the world on fire — to start up a self-deprecation engine shame machine. No way our self-confidence is suffering now, right?
The point is: You — as a being — experiencing things first hand is the perfect time to see your shortcomings. You can’t help but do it. You are living in your skeleton meat mecha human suit, and all the electronics in your head strangely remember all the times you struggled. And weirdly, if you look at someone else in the exact same situation you were just in, you suddenly have this powerful insight and awareness. It happens naturally. It’s why you think I would never head on down to the basement in a creepy mansion. Watch any cooking competition show to see this in action. Armchair quarterbacks, hindsight 2020. It’s all the same.
But when it’s just you and you’re doing things in real time? You lose focus, you stumble, and you wonder why it’s suddenly so hard to make rice, or why you fell for the really obvious fake punt.
So where does that leave you? How do you solve this problem? There are ways. But the journey is arduous and hectic and scary and difficult. Time tempers your soul over and over, you harden in ways that build you up, and you become better. The process is ages old.
I bet you’d like at least… I dunno, there’s gotta be a small trick, right? Life has secrets. Secrets exist. Secrets are a thing. Let’s talk about one to boost your self-confidence.
Stop seeing things in first person, and instead, talk to yourself in the third person. Yes, just like George did in that episode of Seinfeld. Don’t say, “I need to finish the project today.” Say “Bob needs to finish the project today.” If your name is Bob, I mean. Substitute in your name. In effect, you are distancing yourself from the situation at hand, as you begin to view it from outside yourself.
Studies have shown that doing this causes a fascinating side effect — an odd insulating barrier that can give someone just enough distance from the problem at hand, which in turn lets someone more calmly examine the situation. Once that is achieved, a plan can be written and executed with great results.
There’s some research demonstrating this concept, and as truly crazy as it sounds, marked improvement in behavior has been measured when participants are told to think of themselves as a different person. It’s like the “fake it ’til you make it” principle — suddenly you’re sort of cheering on this other person, because you want them to succeed. It’s just that in this case, the other person is still you.
I’ve heard the concept also said that “your current self can give your future self an easier life if you work hard now.” It seems like distancing functions on that wavelength — that by thinking you are supporting some other entity (and even when that entity is still you), some empathetic mechanisms spring into play, and your natural desire to see success rebounds back onto yourself. This is you eating your cake, yet something still having cake.
So that’s magic in and of itself, right? I want you to try it. Don’t think in terms of what you have to do, but what you watching yourself will do. All these fun tiny benefits concurrently happen — encouragement, pressure removal, controlled thought, drive, momentum, and motivation. It’s all there — a trail mix built out of emotions and psychological buffs. And they’ll all fire off at once and you’ll start noticing how much better you feel.
Here’s the best part — we can take this further. At least two different studies have shown with children that thinking of an alter ego and then distancing creates even stronger outcomes. Now we’re not just hyping ourselves up — we’re hyping up an impressive figure. Batman is already taking down jerks. So what if you say you are the night and combine that with self removal? Even in children, the conclusion was fascinating. When they were given a menial task to complete, those who were told to believe they were Batman had an improvement of 23% in focus and productivity over a group who was given no directive. Even without the consequences of adult life and its inherent complexities, children naturally showcased that they work harder if they undergo an alter ego transformation. Now you’re not just there for yourself, you’re there for Batman himself.
“But that’s just children.” Ok, well, it works in adults too. Beyoncé and Adele would psych themselves up by creating onstage personas that were confident, successful, fearless versions of themselves. It’s an act within an act, with a performer further elevating themselves away from reality through the substitution of a personality built and engineered for success. Set aside that these are powerful, fierce, intimidating entertainers in their own right; the focus here is that they also used this mental trick, and it worked.
(There’s an aside here that I think is worth mentioning — in the midst of performing to a crowd, you are 100% in control, and I think this simple realization would help scores of people with their fear of public speaking; a concept to write about another day.)
Distilled down: If you think you’re a hero, you’ll act like one. Easier said than done, but give it a try by taking yourself out of the equation, even if for a moment. You’re not changing who you are so much as you are discovering the pieces of innate power you already had. You aren’t erasing yourself — you’re finding the hidden strength that’s already there. Having a way to kickstart this is perfectly fine.
The ultimate goal with all of this is to build the discipline that lets you begin to automatically engage this mode of heightened ability – that you’ll naturally adopt the good parts into life without the need for ramping up. Armed with that, you’re unstoppable.
Life — as a series of interactions and decisions — can be gamed, to a degree, with tiny and small shifts in perspective. Dropping a surrogate for yourself gives you enough room to have the chance to take everything in, and augmenting this concept further with the thought of having an alter ago creates even wilder possibilities. Psychologists are finding that this sidestep phenomenon can potentially help in different areas — improved physical health, learning how to better handle stress, emotional control, mastering anxiety, and a host of others.
So put on a mask, and then put on a whole new self. It’s almost Halloween anyway.
Red flags to watch out from from a potential employer
(OPINION / EDITORIAL) Incompetent bosses are a dime a dozen. Here’s some information on how to scope out and avoid any red flags from a future employer.
Most people have the critical hindsight to recognize that they’ve at least encountered an objectively inferior superior in the workplace. Whether you’re looking for a fresh start or you’ve managed to duck poor bosses thus far and you want to keep the trend going, here are some red flags that can help you spot a sketchy employer from a distance.
Disrespect at any point is a huge indicator that the person interviewing or scouting you is going to be tough to work with. That said, keep an eye out for employers who either cut you off mid-sentence or clearly don’t listen to the content of what you’re saying. Aside from being a justifiably infuriating character flaw, your employer failing to let you complete a thought will lead to severe miscommunications during your tenure in their workplace. Steer clear!
Of course, something that’s worse than a boss who talks too much is one who talks too little. More specifically, the same employer who constantly leaves you hanging out to dry, forces you to make far too many judgement calls of your own on projects they’re managing, or doesn’t return your urgent emails is probably the employer who is constantly dropping the conversational ball during the recruiting process. If they want you, you shouldn’t have to chase.
If you’ve made it to the interview process, you might think you’re pretty close to the clear; however, it’s worth paying attention to the way your future employer lays out information for you. Should you notice that they appear to be defensive, inexplicably explanatory regarding issues like workplace culture or safety, or something similar, you’re probably dealing with a hostile work environment. Even if you’re being hired to help change that, it’s probably not worth the hassle.
Finally—and this may be controversial for some professions—your prospective boss should be in the room for the interview. While plenty of locations use departmental managers or a panel of employees to determine a candidate’s compatibility, the employer should always be there to ensure that the proper criteria are addressed. Should the employer fail to communicate with you until day one of your assignment, you can expect translation issues right out of the gate.
Plenty of the above circumstances may be excusable in certain contexts, so make of this what you will. The bottom line, plain and simple, is this: If you are uncomfortable or upset with the way an employer treats you during an interview, you will be uncomfortable and/or upset working for them.
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