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Opinion Editorials

Letter to my daughter: hidden sexism is real and surprising

In a letter to my daughter, I would like to prepare her for the real world scenarios of the workplace and the increasing levels of unfairness, but it isn’t always women that are judged based on gender…

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Dear daughter,

You’re about to start your junior year in high school and you’re starting to express a stronger interest in your future career – you’re smart, witty, and so easy for people to be around and I know you’re going to nail it in any industry you choose. That said, there are life lessons that many women don’t learn until very far down the road, so if I can impart any of this learned wisdom to you, perhaps you can skip some of the obstacles and missteps many of us experience along the way.

We’ve talked a lot about sexism, about standing up for yourself, and about not letting your gender define you or hold you back. We’ve talked about shattering the glass ceiling and about being brave, but I realize that along the way, I may have misguided you. Let me explain…

When we talk about sexism or even sexual harassment in the workplace, what do we usually warn you about? Old white guys. Instructional videos warn you of the dangers of the creepy guy who is going to touch your shoulders for too long or wink at you while he asks you for coffee or imply that you have to do him “favors” to get a promotion.

This is a wild disservice to you for two reasons: first, it teaches you to be sexist against men, and it makes you blind to the fact that people of all ages, races, and genders can discriminate against you and vice versa.

This new world that is teaching women to be strong and powerful in the workforce is also teaching you to discriminate against established white men – it is completely unfair because who is one of the most beloved people in your life? Your white man dad.

The hidden sexism against men in the workplace is real and surprising, and we want you to be above all of that, so remember that every time you automatically assume that a man is going to ignore your smarts and value your looks, you’re being the sexist. Every time you assume that by flirting with male bosses you’ll get ahead, you’re being the sexist. When you act like a man is too stupid and hopelessly incapable of minding details that he can’t file something on his own or make his own calls, you’re being the sexist.

The bigger crime us women (and inadvertently men) have committed in trying to teach you how to be an independent thinker is that by warning you against the dangers of old white men, we failed to tell you that everyone is capable of discriminating against you, especially women. When you and another woman are up for the same promotion, do you think they are going to hold hands with you, burn bras and talk about women’s lib? No, she’ll make sure the boss knows she’s better than you and that she deserves the job. When you’re in a meeting, a female counterpart may talk over you just the same as a man might, and so on.

Additionally, by this new wave of empowered women warning you of old white men, it is through the ridiculous lens of a 1950s nuclear family model wherein only a male boss would hit on you, but guess what? Your woman boss may linger too long and hit on you too, or they may perceive you as hitting on them and be uncomfortable because you were just trying to get on her good side.

Gender equality is so complicated, honey, and most of the books or papers you’ll read will simply warn you about people that look like your dad and you’ll be confused, so if you take one thing away from this is that you can be above it all.

If equality is truly equal, you must recognize that old white men are not the only sexists in the workplace – in fact, the world assuming that they are is more sexist than any wink or dirty joke could possibly be.

This is an unpopular stance and I’ll get hate mail for this letter to you, but I want you to know the truth and pray that you focus on making yourself a better person, because old white men aren’t the problem – everyone is the problem. Don’t be part of the problem, treat people equally and lead by example.

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11 Comments

11 Comments

  1. BawldGuy

    July 9, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Mom was in the thick of the 50s and 60s women entering the ‘man’s world of business’. She taught me, and I’ve taught my daughter the following. 1) Stop using your ‘wiles’ at work. And while you’re at it, stop with the double standard of the bad intentioned man, and the always innocent woman. It’s not true, and the woman knows it better than the guy does. 2) Understand that as a female you’re fighting a few generations coming before you who took the company’s money, and valuable training, only to succeed in their real goal, which was to find a husband, get married, and quit. Mom fought that empirical axiomatic truth ’til she was over 40. It trained the ‘C’ suite guys to avoid investing in women as future execs. 3) Produce superior results, and count on those to move up the ladder. Company’s are for profit, and results are what keep those profits coming. 4) Though it’s very unfair, stop with the whining about gender discrimination. Yeah, it still exists, but as Mom said, “I paid the price, so you wouldn’t hafta whine like a girl yourself.” Move to another firm, but stop the whining. 5) Do NOT, under any circumstances use your so-called ‘minority’ status to improve your professional life. You’ll likely never get rid of that label, and most will assume that’s how you always move up. You want to move up due to what you’ve produced and bring to the table, not cuz you wear a bra.

    • Lani Rosales

      July 9, 2013 at 2:34 pm

      Brilliant. Thank you, Jeff.

  2. jeffreypjacobs

    July 9, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    No hate mail from here, Lani. As you suggest, Gender Equality IS complicated…and the rules are changing every day. When it comes to women in the workplace, what if I repeated something I have heard for years- “women can’t have more than one true friend, all the rest is just competition!”? WAY over-generalized, many examples of how that’s just not true would appear, etc., etc. But my point is to agree with your suggestion of simply focusing on making oneself better, and staying away from any, and all, of these generalizations on gender.

  3. bobledrew

    July 9, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    Let me take a different tack on the issue you raise. And as a proviso, I have no children, so I may not have the same closeness to this issue as you do, Lani. You write, “by warning you against the dangers of old white men, we failed to tell you that everyone is capable of discriminating against you, especially women.”

    Confusing individual actions with collective groups is a dangerous thing. I would argue that INDIVIDUALS discriminate against INDIVIDUALS. While “everyone” may be “capable of discriminating”, that it is INDIVIDUALS who actually do the discriminating. If your daughter is harassed in the workplace, it’s not “old white guys” who are doing it. It’s an individual (who may be AN old white guy). I guess my advice would be: “people are capable of great things, and heinous things. Judge the people you work with by their actions and treat them accordingly.”

    • AmyVernon

      July 9, 2013 at 2:05 pm

      Well-said, @bobledrew:disqus. I think the one exception I take to this is that legal discrimination comes from who has the power. It’s important to be cognizant of what your legal rights are, no matter what gender your boss is.

      • Lani Rosales

        July 9, 2013 at 2:34 pm

        Legal yes, but sometimes coworkers can go out of their way to step on you because of your gender/race/education/whatever. That said, your point is super important because many young people don’t know that they have rights or that they can stand up to a boss based on legal merit.

        • AmyVernon

          July 9, 2013 at 2:59 pm

          Absolutely. That’s why I specified *legal* because there can be a lot of power from having the law on your side – even just knowing what the law is.

        • doodlebug2222

          August 4, 2013 at 3:07 am

          Most of all, they need to see it coming and begin documenting what they can.
          Standing up to a boss based on legal merit is one thing – but not having enough proof to back up the claim is another.

    • Lani Rosales

      July 9, 2013 at 2:32 pm

      You hit the nail on the head and put into words part of the sentiment that was very difficult for me to convey! That’s what I meant when I was stating that “everyone is the problem,” aka, individuals are the problem, and you’re right, that’s a very important distinction.

  4. JoeLoomer

    August 5, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Find a culture in a workplace that you love, and you won’t deal with this because it won’t be tolerated. Also – what bobledrew said.

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride.

  5. Pingback: The sexualization of Canada's Prime Minister is appalling, hypocritical - The American Genius

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Opinion Editorials

The truth about unemployment from someone who’s been through it

(EDITORIAL) Unemployment benefits aren’t what you thought they were. Here’s a first-hand experience and what you need to know.

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Have I ever told you how I owed the government over two grand because of unemployment in 2019, and only just finished paying it back this year?

This isn’t exactly the forum for memoirs, but this is relevant to everyone. So I’ll tell y’all anyway.

It all started back in 2018 when I came into work early, microwaved my breakfast, poured coffee, and got pulled into a collaboration room to hear, “We love you and your work, April, but we’ve been bought out and you’re being laid off.”

It was kind of awkward carrying my stuff out to the car with that Jimmy Dean sandwich in my mouth.

More awkward still was the nine months of unemployment I went through afterwards. Between the fully clothed shower crying, the stream of job denial, catering to people who carried rocks in their nostrils at my part-time job (yes, ew, yes, really), and almost dying of no-health-insurance-itis, I learned a lot!

The bigger lesson though, came in the spring of the following year when I filed my taxes. I should back up for a moment and take the time to let those of you unfamiliar with unemployment in Texas in on a few things that aren’t common knowledge.

1: You’re only eligible if you were laid off. Not if you had quit. Not fired. Your former company can also choose to challenge your eligibility for benefits if they didn’t like your face on the way out. So the only way you’re 100% guaranteed to get paid in (what the state calls) “a timely manner”, is a completely amicable split.

2: Overpayments have to go back. Immediately. If there’s an error, like several thousand of Texans found out this week, the government needs that cash back before you can access any more. If you’re not watching your bank account to make sure you’re getting the exact same check each time and you have an overpayment, rest assured that mistake isn’t going to take long to correct. Unfortunately, if you spent that money unknowingly–thought you got an ‘in these uncertain times’ kinder and gentler adjustment and have 0 income, you have a problem. Tying into Coronavirus nonsense is point three!

3: There are no sick days. If ever you’re unable to work for any reason, be it a car accident, childbirth, horrible internal infection (see also no-health-insurance-itis), you are legally required to report it, and you will not be paid for any days you were incapacitated. Personally, my no-health-insurance-itis came with a bad fever and bedrest order that axed me out of my part time job AND killed my unemployment benefits for the week I spent getting my internal organs to like me again. But as it turned out, the payment denial came at the right time because–

4: Unemployment benefits are finite. Even if you choose to lie on your request forms about how hard you’re searching for work, coasting is ill-advised because once the number the state allots you runs out…it’s out. Don’t lie on your request forms, by the way. In my case, since I got cut from my part-time gig, I got a call from the Texas Workforce Commission about why my hours were short. I was able to point out where I’d reported my sickness to them and to my employer, so my unpaid week rolled over to a later request date. I continued to get paid right up until my hiring date which was also EXACTLY when my benefits ran out.

Unemployment isn’t a career, which is odd considering the fact that unemployment payments are qualified by the government as income.

Ergo, fact number five…

5: Your benefits? They’re taxed.

That’s right, you will be TAXED for not having a job.

The stereotype of the ‘lazy unemployment collector burdening society’ should be fading pretty quickly for the hitherto uninformed about now.

To bring it back to my story, I’d completely forgotten that when I filed for unemployment in the first place, I’d asked for my taxes NOT to be withheld from it–assuming that I wasn’t going to be searching for full time work for very long. I figured “Well, I’ll have a tax refund coming since I’ll get work again no problem, it’ll cancel out.”

Except, it was a problem. Because of the nine month situation.

I’d completely forgotten about it by the time I threw myself into my new job, but after doing my taxes, triple checking the laws and what I’d signed, it was clear. Somehow…despite being at my lowest point in life, I owed the highest amount in taxes, somewhere around the 2k mark.

Despite being based on a system that’s tied to how much income you were getting before, and all the frustrating “safeguards” put in place to keep payments as low and infrequent as possible, Uncle Sam still wants a bite out of the gas-station Hostess pie that is your unemployment check. And as I’m writing this, more and more people are finding that out.

I’d like to end this on a more positive note…so let’s say we’ve all been positively educated! That’s a net gain, surely.

Keep your heads up, and masked.

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Opinion Editorials

COVID-19 acts are unfortunately too short sighted

(BUSINESS NEWS) The biggest flaw in the CARES act is simply that it won’t last. Numerous issues have extended the life of COVID-19 but the act hasn’t matched it.

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The CARES act gives an additional $600 weekly to those on unemployment assistance. The idea being that, combined with the $380 already granted by unemployment, the payments would roughly equal the wage of the average worker prior to the pandemic- about $1,000 weekly.

But on July 31st, the expansion that CARES provides will expire, and benefits will return to pre-pandemic amounts. Those currently receiving the maximum payment will see a 61% decrease in their income. In states that offer lower benefit payments, that percentage goes even higher. All of this comes during a national rental crisis, and moratoriums on evictions across the country are also nearing their ends or being extended last minute.

This isn’t the first or only “yuge” hole in the federal government’s COVID-19 safety net. Many Americans (this writer included) have seen neither hide nor hair of their promised stimulus checks. The HEROES act, which is being billed as a second round of stimulus money, remains under debate- as it has been for several weeks.

And the Families First Coronavirus Response Act, which requires certain businesses to provide two weeks of paid leave to workers who may be sick (or caring for someone who is) has plenty of problems too, namely the laundry list of exceptions to it.

This is just the most recent push to return to the pre-virus economy before effective protective measures have been put in place for workers and consumers alike. After all, with cases of COVID-19 spiking again in the US, it’s apparent that the act is still absolutely necessary. Our lawmakers either lack patience, or compassion – take your pick. Frankly, I say it’s both.

Not only have countless health experts warned that reopening too early will be disastrous, but if a second lockdown is in our future, all of the time, money, and human lives that went into reopening will be wasted.

There is a silver lining among the storm clouds on the horizon. Because ballooning unemployment has created long wait times for benefit applicants, unemployment assistance programs are shelling out retroactive back payments to those deemed eligible.

Good news, at least, for laid off workers who have been waiting months to hear their fate.

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Opinion Editorials

Women-owned businesses make up 42% of all businesses – heck yeah!

(EDITORIAL) Women-owned businesses make a huge impact on the U.S economy. They make up 42% of all businesses, outpace the national growth rate by 50%, and hire billions of workers.

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Women entrepreneurs make history in the U.S as female-owned businesses represent 42% of all businesses, while continuing to increase at DOUBLE the national growth rate!

Women are running the world, and we are here for it! The 2019 American Express State of Women-Owned Businesses Report, states 13 million women are now self-employed entrepreneurs. From 2014 to 2019, women-owned businesses grew 21%. Think that’s impressive? Well, businesses owned by women of color grew 43% within the same timeframe, with a growth rate of 50%, and currently account for 50% of all women-owned businesses! Way to go! What this also means is that women employ over 2.4 million workers who together generate $422.5 billion in revenue.

What can we learn from these women that’ll help you achieve success in your businesses?

  1. Get informed: In a male-dominated business industry, women are often at a disadvantage and face multiple biases. So, know your stuff; study, research, and when you think you know it all…dig deeper!
  2. Stay hungry: Remember why you started this journey. Write down notes and reminders, goals, and inspirations, hang them up and keep them close.
  3. Ask for advice: Life is not meant to go through alone, so ask questions. Find a mentor and talk to people who have walked a similar path. Learning from them will only benefit your business.

Many of these women found ways to use their passion to drive their business. It may not be exactly what they thought it would be when they started out, but is it ever? Everyone has to start off small and rejection is part of the process. In fact, stories of rejection often serve as inspiration and encouragement to soon-to-be self starters.

Did you know J.K Rowling’s “Harry Potter” book was turned down TWELVE times? Seven books later with over 400 million copies sold, the Harry Potter brand is currently valued at over 15 billion. While you might not become a wizard-writing fantasy legend like J.K Rowling, you sure as heck can be successful. So go for it, and chase your dreams.

If you want to support women-owned businesses, start by scrolling through Facebook or doing some research to find women-owned businesses in your community. Then, support by buying or helping to promote their products. Small businesses, especially women-owned, black women-owned, and women of color-owned, are disproportionally affected by the current economic crisis ignited by a health pandemic. So if you can, shop small and support local. And remember, there’s a girl (or more) doing a happy dance when you checkout!

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