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Opinion Editorials

“New hog tub” – can you bring home the bacon with these MLS bloopers?

From hogs to smog, there was a lot of confusion in the MLS and other real estate ads this week.  Thanks to Jane Peters of L.A. and Wendy Schoof of San Francisco for helping me comb the MLS for these beauties:

Who Could Resist?

“Famished apt available” (Flummoxed agent soon to be available, too.)

“Views of sweating palms” (Oh…I just thought your hand was in front of your face because you’re hideous.)

“Buyers will be enameled” (Hence my fear of clowns and kilns.)

“Tea and coffin served” (Offered by those homicidal broads at Arsenic and Old Lace Realty. Their motto: “We make killer deals!”)

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“Lots of closeted” (Really? I thought they all moved to West Hollywood.)

“Cancel 4th of Jury” (…Overheard at a Gambino Family picnic at an undisclosed Jersey Shore location.)

“Natural havibat for birds” (Brought to you by the National Aviary Baseball League.)

“Lots of gulf to enjoy” (What Tony Soprano and Paulie Walnuts said to Salvatore “Big P__sy” Bonpensiero before tossing his fat corpse overboard.)

Selling with a Hitch

“Nice Newer Custom Dual Pane Double Prism Perimeter Grid Windows” (I suggest a comma and a valium, Methamphetamine Mary.)

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“New raisin deck above garage” (Doesn’t that draw flies?)

“Nice view when no smog” (Then you may want to consider moving the house from L.A. to Montana.)

“New Botched stove” (Surely no more botched than the agent!)

“Really slick throughout” (I see dead people…and then lawsuits.)

“Nice insides” (Opined Freddy Krueger after eviscerating the denizens of Nightmare on Elm Street and casting their remains all over the lawns of Springwood. )

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Bingo! (This Week’s Fave)

“New hog tub” (Considered an amenity if you’re a pig named Arnold Ziffel from Green Acres who plans to open a hog spa in Hooterville .)

Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Joe Loomer

    July 1, 2011 at 10:59 am

    What – for the love of all that is good and holy in this world – are Newer Custom Dual Pane Double Prism Perimeter Grid Windows?!?!? I thought we had weird names for stuff in the Navy!

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  2. Andrew Baum

    July 1, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Does the hog tub come with a mud agitator?

  3. Gwen Banta

    July 2, 2011 at 12:54 am

    Joe, that's just an example of what happens when someone drinks too much coffee…or Red Bull…or smokes too many cigarettes…or crack…or meth… Oh God help me, I can't stop myself… 🙂

  4. Gwen Banta

    July 2, 2011 at 12:55 am

    Andrew, I think the hog tub comes with a George Forman grill 🙂

  5. Gwen Banta

    July 5, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Thanks for the re-post everyone!

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