Happy New Year, one and all! Many of you probably enjoyed some great office parties over the holidays. The best part for me includes the reports of all the holiday pranks and cranks. These are the best stories I heard this party season. Now that 2009 has had the mercy to end, we are ushering in a hopeful New Year…but some of the folks in these stories will be living down 2009 until NEXT January rolls around.
The Deranged Exchange:
At one party in West Hollywood, gifts were exchanged. Unfortunately, the host accidentally placed a few of the adult gag gifts in the children’s gift bag. One confused young boy received a glamorous doll from Santa. Unfortunately, it was actually a man-doll…in drag.
In spite of the parents’ coaxing, the child refused to trade the gift for another – he loved his new he-she, complete with removable wig and glittering eye shadow. The parents, who were usually very good natured, demanded a check for damages from the host. The host, embarrassed and apologetic, was at a loss for words. After an awkward moment, the father grinned and explained that the cash was to ensure the child’s recovery from the trauma – either therapy…or make-up lessons.
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Another West Hollywood party-goer reportedly parked at a curb in a red zone…close to a hydrant. He left a note on his windshield that said, “If you are thinking of writing a ticket, please have some holiday cheer. It’s Christmas, and there is no place to park anywhere within walking distance.” An hour later, someone ran into the party and yelled, “Patrick, you’re getting a ticket.”
Patrick ran out to confront the West Hollywood Parking Gestapo. “Come on, man,” he moaned. “Don’t you have any holiday spirit? I guess you didn’t read my message.”
“Of course I read it,” replied the Parking Officer. “I found the note, but I couldn’t find a gift from you anywhere. It seems to me that you are the one with no Christmas spirit. I, on the other hand, have a gift for you.” With that, he tore the ticket off the pad and handed Patrick the ticket. He then climbed into his vehicle and yelled, “Merry Christmas, man – and thanks for the cheer!”
Spicy and Dicey
One Beverly Hills hostess was throwing a party for her real estate office. She was running late, so she asked her husband to set out the egg nog, add some nutmeg, and set out the punch cups. The party was in full swing when she heard whispers from the patio. “Don’t drink the egg nog,” someone whispered, “you’ll gag.”
Horrified, she ran to the punch bowl, poured a glass of egg nog and took a swallow.
Immediately she spit it back into the glass. She hurried to the kitchen to question her husband. There on the counter was the empty carton of egg nog. Next to it were the spices and the Southern Comfort her husband had used for flavoring. She couldn’t find the nutmeg…but she did find a large jar of Trader Joe’s Ground Paprika.
Her “Gag Nog” has been the office joke all week. She is now offering to write down the recipe on an airsick bag for all those who want to add some spice to their holidays.
Those Who Boast Are Toast
I heard a satisfying story about a guy in a different office who was bragging about his fabulous earnings in 2009 with no regard to those who fared less successfully. I was told that the more he drank, the more boastful he became. When he was in full gear, he announced his purchase of a new Porsche which he had parked outside on the street. Several agents dutifully went out to admire it, although his boasting had become thicker than a porterhouse, but a lot less palatable.
They all admired the car of course, but they were offended that he was taking two spots in an area near the beach where there is very limited parking. When someone subtly suggested that he move over, he refused, pointing out that his car was nicer than the other cars and he didn’t want his doors dinged.
Later that night when he left the party, he received his comeuppance. His car had been moved and was now horizontally parked across the two spots, with cars closely parked on each side blocking him in. The group of guys had actually LIFTED his car to turn it sideways. They were standing behind a wall howling with laughter when one called out, “Hey Barry, next year you better make enough money to buy a Hummer – they ‘re too heavy to move!”
Quick Quip and Guacamole Dip
My favorite tale occurred when a friend of mine named Jan went to a party hosted by another agent. Mexican food was being served, and apparently the home was very crowded. She was trying to slip past a group of guests when she lost her balance and fell backwards onto a chair. Unfortunately, a male co-worker was sitting in the chair holding a full plate of food.
When she struggled to her feet, she realized she had a Mexican buffet on her booty. As she wiped the mashed food off with her hand, she noticed the mess on the front of the gentleman’s pants. She also noticed his shocked expression. Gesturing to the remainder of the dinner in his lap, Jan smiled and said, “Is that a burrito in your lap… or are you just happy to see me?”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
“House has spark” – burning up the MLS with typos and other bloopers
The year is starting a march toward its natural ending, friends…and it seems a few real estate careers may be also. This week I found some real head-scratchers in local real estate ads and the MLS. However, I get submissions from all over the U.S., so no one is safe from the eyes of the Blooper Scooper. Check out these blunders:
Do You Smell Smoke?
“House has spark” (Apparently your real estate career isn’t the only thing going up in smoke.)
“Big pep area in kitchen” (Is that the cookie jar where Mommy Dearest stashes her uppers?)
“Dull Viking ovens” (Methinks there’s something in the cookie jar that will perk up those dull Vikings.)
“Large greenhose in back” (Large, naked Jolly Green Giant in yard.)
“Mush added to this house” (Was that the overflow from between your ears?)
I Think I See Flames
“Beautifully remolded guest” (Another cosmetically-altered Barbie hits the Hollywood party circuit.)
“Enjoy a drink poolslide” ( Hell, if the pool is sliding, I’ll need a whole pint of Jack.)
“Each bedroom has own bedrooom” (Hello-o-o, Alice, how are things down there in the rabbit hole?)
“Separate pod to build GH” (That should please my pea-sized buyers.)
“Play room for the kiss” (Something tells me this is the back seat of a ’67 Chevy.)
“Ideal for gusts” (That’s great…if you want to live in a wind sock.)
“Impaccably detailed” (Incredibly challenged)
“Stylish pewder room” (Try burning a match.)
“Stone pillars flake driveway” (Flakey agent got stoned in driveway.)
Nothing But Embers (This Week’s Fave):
“From a bygone error” (You have just written your own epitaph.)
“New bd pans inc” – Making a Splash on the MLS
I have two things to say this week: 1. When you drink, you can’t think. 2. When you drink you can’t- … uh, what was I saying? Oh, yes – the MLS. It was so full of bloopers this week that I am led to conclude that happy hour started Monday and never stopped. Read these and tell me if it is any wonder I was driven to throw back a few martinis myself:
Booze ‘N’ Fools
“Free membership to gin inc” (It seems someone else beat us to it, Martini Mary.)
“Grab now use imagination” (That’s what Arnold said to his housekeeper.)
“House has new edition” (Agent lacks erudition.)
“Babblying broke runs in back” (Bumbling buffoon runs amuck.)
“Drop by for cocktail ho” (Oh, is the Sunset Strip for sale?)
Puff ‘N’ Stuff
“Near Sacramento airpot” (I believe his name is Jerry Brown.)
“Claw me for selling” (I’m too busy clawing my eyes out over your spelling.)
“Reduction on mid-century ner Holywod” (Another mid-sixties porn star is looking for work.)
“We can sake your home” (Can I get fried rice with my sake?)
Proof or Goof
“Nice streem” (Said Grandma to Grandpa after his diaper exploded.)
“Nice for dog kids” (Uh, they’re called ‘puppies,” pal.)
“New bd pans included” (Thank you, Nurse Nancy – can you warm those first?)
“Good stable in neighborhood.” (Have you contacted Mary and Joseph?)
“Drawing for plasma” (Is this a blood-bank?)
And This Week’s Winner Is:
“Good school in areola” (Thanks for keeping me abreast of things.)
PROOF OR GOOF, FRIENDS – I’M WATCHING EWE 🙂
“Scalped ceilings” and other MLS hair-raisers
Wait until you see the characters who showed up this week on the MLS…well, at least tangentially. It was a great week for laughs, and many were provided by Jane Peters, Jan Pastras, and Patrick Martin, all from right here in sunny L.A. Thanks to you all for helping me be virulent. Uh, I mean vigilant:
Neither ‘Hair” nor There
“Nice scalped ceilings” (Designed by Tonto Interiors)
“Larder than others in the area” ( Roseanne Barr must be selling her house.)
“Fellow directions” (Since when do fellows ask for directions?)
‘I’ll work garder for you” (Thank you, Blaze Starr.)
“Horse property w/ room for stills” (Uncle Paddy, get off your bar stool – I found the house of your dreams!)
You Say Potato, I Say Kato
“Needs work but not a teard” (Don’t cry for me Argentina.)
“Nice home. Show cokd.” (That’s fairly obvious, Ms. McSnorty.)
“”Manure foliage” (Sh_t for brains agent)
“Gas ready” (Just like Uncle Paddy…)
Quaked and Half-Baked
“So sorry – no seismic ins” (This must be on the Not My Fault Line.)
“New fence gaye” (A fence with a lisp?)
“Famedia room” (Is this a room or an STD?)
“Master now don” (I’ll call him “The Donald,” but there’s no way I’ll call him “master”!
My Fave’ Rave
“Sellr movng away – not going to fix anyting, not repairs, not pest, not cracks, not nothimng.” (Buyer walking away – not going to offer a dollar, not a dime, not a farthing…not nothimng, nit-wit!)
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