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“WHAT A DUMP!” Bette Davis and the MLS

I must need a rest from the Rubik’s Cube that is the MLS and the real estate ad world.  I am beginning to see people. Not just dead people. I see people lurking everywhere. Could this all be subliminal? Am I channeling people to help me decipher the listing remarks? If so, why can’t it be George Clooney? But noooo…I am visited by the spirits below. Have a gander: 

They’re Baaaack 

“Hand carved stool in bar” (“What a DUMP!” Yes, I stole that line from Bette.)

“Unbelievable prince!” (The unbelievable part was when the fool called himself ‘The Artist Formerly Known as Prince’!)

“Solar and energy emission” (Huh? Let me guess – Home of K.C. and the Sunshine Band?)

“You’ll marvel at Bougan Villa” (This must be Pancho Villa’s  hot sister.)

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“Near metropink” (All aboard the Clay Aiken Express!)

“Perfect for art correction.” (Come to Mama, Mr. Garfunkle –  it seems you’ve been a naughty boy.)

No End to Odds and Ends 

“One of brest neighborhoods” (Pamela Anderson’s  neighborhood – for those who give a hooter…)

“Area for kissies with trees and grass” (Methinks someone already has been sampling the grass…)

“Gorgeous peed a teer” (I think I leaked a little myself when I read this!)

“New alumininium siding” (Gesundheit!)

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“Co-op with half walls and friar escape” (A funky bunk for Friar Tuck?)

“For those who want a bargun” (I know I do – especially when I’m at Hatchet’s Road House.)

“State of the art teater system (Art Linkletter’s dairy… Moo.)

“Georges Sparking Interior” (Boy George is having a fire sale!) 

Mommy, They’re Baaaack… 

“You won’t refuse this” (Offered by Vito Corleone Real Estate Group)

“Not copper, but no corruption” (A salute to Mr. Eliot Ness?)

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“Refreshments served for shot time” (Cheerfully hosted by John Gotti.)

“Great mob remodeling – Vacant”  (Home Alone with Al Capone.)

Special Acknowledgement to Jersey

“Newly limed Fireplace” (A gift from Vito “The Enforcer” Vitello.  Excuse me as I disappear without a trace.)

Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Sheila Rasak

    September 24, 2010 at 11:11 am

    At the tender age of 50, I fear that I’ll have to invest in Depends should I be brave enough to read another Gwen Bana article!

    I recently had a friend attempt to decide which Realtor to go with when purchasing a foreclosure. He asked if I minded that he select the other agent and pay me the traditional referral fee. I asked why he selected her over me and he stated that her approach was a lot more gentle. I came close to saying that I would be a lot softer in negotiations, in fact, I’d be willing to take a blank check to the lender’s agent and have them fill in the alloted amount, but I chose to take the higher road and bow out gracefully. Who am I to judge when I tell my CPA how to file my taxes and my attorney what laws are current? 😉

    This part-time Realtor started the negotiations and made many mistakes along the way some of which did not protect the buyer. My client ran everything by me and there were several corrections to be made to cover the client but the one that still stands out to me today is where she wrote into the contract:
    “Home inspection to be payed for by byer, termite report to be payed for by seller, byer will not pay for warrenty home protecton plan.”

    I digress. It’s time to leave my soap box to work with some clients and shall bring my dictionary! (Or should I just send it to her?)

  2. gwen banta

    September 24, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    If I can keep you laughing @Sheila, I’ll happily pitch in for your Depends. Regarding your anecdote – perhaps in hindsight it was best that the other agent got the lion’s share of the commission. She obviously needed the money for continuing education classes.


    September 24, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    i love bette!! thank you for referencing her!

  4. gwen banta

    September 24, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    Yes, Bette Davis was incomparable, Herman.

  5. Paula Henry

    September 24, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    My five year old grand daughter just peeked over my shoulder and said, “What”? She wanted to know why I was laughing so hard. She wanted an image, not words. If I could have shared the images going through my mind…….

    Another great collection, Gwen!

  6. gwen banta

    September 24, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    Thanks, Paula – I hope you “peed a teer.” Have a wonderful weekend!

  7. Rob McCance

    September 25, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Those are great.

    Also, check out this classy video. The music is perfect.

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