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“Don’t crab appraise” – something’s fishy on the MLS

Ya’ know folks, I think I should get paid for being Captain of the MLS Police Force. I have so much activity that I’m pulling overtime. The good news is that there are a few perks: laughter, and a lot of blackmail material. Oh, and Lani and Benn made me a police hat out of a moldy old fruit cake. Thanks to Fred Glick from Philadelphia and Nanette Labastida of Austin for their great contributions. Now please excuse me while I go eat my hat.

Dubious Distinctions

“Fully eclipsed gym” (Does that mean I can’t exercise unless I’m wearing dark glasses?)

“Balls of expansive glass” (Hmmm…Must be referring to the “Weeper of the House,” John Boehner.)

“Don’t crab appraise” (‘Tell ya’ what – I won’t price your smelly ol’ shell fish if you don’t tell me how to price your house!)

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“New gladd windows” (Old, sadd agent.)

“Huge wraparound pouch” (Perhaps you should have that thing surgically removed before it explodes.)

“Slightly infected by recent mudslides” (Slap a little Neosporin on it and you’ll be good to go.)

Amenities You’ve Always Wanted

“Cute alcave” (Please give Al my number and ask him if I can drop by in my little spelunker outfit.)

“Lovely worm colors thrwout” (How enticing. I suppose there are lovely slug trails as well?)

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“Nice size ranch w/ room to growl” (It sounds like Ms. Palin has found a home for her Grizzlies.)

“Large moniker included” (How’s this for a large moniker: “Big fat doofus!”)

“Great for odor entertaining” (My Uncle Paddy blows out a lot of odor, but he’s the only one who finds it entertaining.)

Sealing the Deal (Thanks to Fred and Nanette)

“A skip and a hope away to downtown” (Throw in “a prayer” and maybe you’ll make it through L.A. traffic!)

“Priced to steal – it’s like receiving stolen property” (If it walks like a duck, and it talks like a duck…)

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“New shitrock” (Apparently the seller drooped a load on that remodel.)

Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Agent for Movoto

    January 24, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    As always, these are hilarious. “Priced to Steal”????? I LOVE that one, but i don’t think i get it, either.

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