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House Haunting- MLS Tricks and Treats



Halloween may be a month away, but the MLS , the LA Times, and our local real estate magazines never disappoint. This week’s offerings include trolls and witches. By the time Halloween arrives, I’m sure a few more skeletons will be leaping out of somebody’s closet! (No, Perez Hilton – not your closet.)  Check ’em out:

“Lake cabin under trees – enjoy fishing and haunting” (A place to Reel and Squeal)

“Garage with Trol Shed” (I suspect this is a ‘lake cabin under trees’…)

“Tree louse for kids” (Isn’t the “trol” enough to scare the beejezus out of  ’em?)

“Wired for cabal” ( A place to scheme and scream)

“Probait sale – needs cleaning. Crime disclosure” (What a pitch – macabre terms, worms and germs!)

“Levitated pool for the kids” (Good trick – can you also make a kiddie therapist appear?)

Put This on a Tombstone!

“New ho ttub and deck” (Pay ’em and spray ’em)

“Dock with boat rump” (Dock with crack in it?)

“New shitlap siding” (Note to agent: Haste makes Waste.)

“Low price spanks for itself” (Bend over and smell the clover.)

“Original prank floors weed finishing” (A joke and a toke!)

Not a Ghost of a Chance!

“Updated wasted lines” (Outdated, wasted agent.)

“Short Sale – Ready for quack close” (If it walks like a duck…)

“Snoreline view – killer deal” (Better bed than dead.)

“House on golf coarse” (For those who can shoot from the rough…)

Well, If That Didn’t Freak ‘Em Out…

“Great for kids – many parks and tails in the area” (And yet another horror spot just for the kiddies to enjoy – Happy Haunting!)

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.

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  1. Renee

    September 17, 2010 at 9:12 am

    I love these! Have to share one with you – a local title company was doing feature sheets for agents and on their flyer to the agents they said you could email the photos or send them to them on a hard dick.

  2. gwen banta

    September 17, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    OMG, Renee – “email the photos or send them on a hard dick”! That is unbelievable – the visual is hysterical! I wonder if they had any takers…

  3. Joe Loomer

    September 18, 2010 at 9:47 am

    Thanks for the laughs, Gwen! Been in Austin all week, and actually got to see Benn and Lani! The story of how we met is one for the ages….

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  4. Gwen Banta

    September 18, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    How wonderful, Joe! I bet the Lani-Benn-Joe story involves police cars and bail money. I wish I had been there! I force the story out of one of you sooner or later 🙂

  5. Homes In Pasadena

    October 4, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    Thanks for the laughs! I’d like to say I thought one or two were the funniest, but they were all hilarious.

    Thanks again – Steven

  6. gwen banta

    October 4, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Thanks, Steven. I think one of these descriptions was in your area!

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Business Marketing

“House has spark” – burning up the MLS with typos and other bloopers



The year is starting a march toward its natural ending, friends…and it seems a few real estate careers may be also. This week I found some real head-scratchers in local real estate ads and the MLS.  However, I get submissions from all over the U.S., so no one is safe from the eyes of  the Blooper Scooper. Check out these blunders:

Do You Smell Smoke?

“House has spark” (Apparently your real estate career isn’t the only thing going up in smoke.)

“Big pep area in kitchen” (Is that the cookie jar where Mommy Dearest stashes her uppers?) 

“Dull Viking ovens” (Methinks there’s something in the cookie jar that will perk up those dull Vikings.)

“Large greenhose in back” (Large, naked Jolly Green Giant in yard.)

“Mush added to this house” (Was that the overflow from between your ears?)

I Think I See Flames

“Beautifully remolded guest” (Another cosmetically-altered Barbie hits the Hollywood party circuit.)

“Enjoy a drink poolslide” ( Hell, if the pool is sliding, I’ll need a whole pint of Jack.)

“Each bedroom has own bedrooom” (Hello-o-o, Alice, how are things down there in the rabbit hole?)

“Separate pod to build GH” (That should please my pea-sized buyers.)

“Play room for the kiss” (Something tells me this is the back seat of a ’67 Chevy.)

Still Smoldering…

“Ideal for gusts” (That’s great…if you want to live in a wind sock.)

“Impaccably detailed” (Incredibly challenged)

“Stylish pewder room” (Try burning a match.)

“Stone pillars flake driveway” (Flakey agent got stoned in driveway.)

Nothing But Embers (This Week’s Fave):

“From a bygone error” (You have just written your own epitaph.)



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Business Marketing

“New bd pans inc” – Making a Splash on the MLS



I have two things to say this week: 1. When you drink, you can’t think. 2. When you drink you can’t- … uh, what was I saying? Oh, yes – the MLS.  It was so full of bloopers this week that I am led to conclude that happy hour started Monday and never stopped. Read these and tell me if it is any wonder I was driven to throw back a few martinis myself:

Booze ‘N’ Fools

“Free membership to gin inc” (It seems someone else beat us to it, Martini Mary.)

“Grab now use imagination” (That’s what Arnold said to his housekeeper.)

“House has new edition” (Agent lacks erudition.)

“Babblying broke runs in back” (Bumbling buffoon runs amuck.)

“Drop by for cocktail ho” (Oh, is the Sunset Strip for sale?)

Puff ‘N’ Stuff

“Near Sacramento airpot” (I believe his name is Jerry Brown.)

“Claw me for selling” (I’m too busy clawing my eyes out over your spelling.)

“Reduction on mid-century ner Holywod” (Another mid-sixties porn star is looking for work.)

“We can sake your home” (Can I get fried rice with my sake?)

Proof or Goof

“Nice streem” (Said Grandma to Grandpa after his diaper  exploded.)

“Nice for dog kids” (Uh, they’re called ‘puppies,” pal.)

“New bd pans included” (Thank you, Nurse Nancy – can you warm those first?)

“Good stable in neighborhood.” (Have you contacted Mary and Joseph?)

“Drawing for plasma” (Is this a blood-bank?)

And This Week’s Winner Is:

“Good school in areola” (Thanks for keeping me abreast of things.)


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My secret office organization tip – Sharpies and tape

If you’re still practicing to be OCD, here is a secret I don’t typically share with anyone, but I’m willing to share with you today…



Keeping organized

I used to be obsessed with the P-touch machine. I labeled everything. Drawers, shelves, folders, canisters, and anything that I could think of putting a label on.

But the label makers weren’t as pretty as my own handwriting and didn’t come in every color a Sharpie does, so I got the brilliant idea one day to write in light blue sharpie in my beautiful handwriting on clear tape, placed neatly on the shelves in the pantry. Visitors thought I had written on the cabinets, “what if you have to move things?” they asked. “It’s just tape, look!” I said as if I was performing a complicated magic trick.

Not just shelves!

It’s great to use this tip on files and folders so you can reuse them (especially if you have custom files or designer files), on drawers at the bottom of each section where pens and tape goes, and especially in the break room.

No more label maker, no more refill cartridges and no more mess, especially someone else’s mess! Trust me, this is an OCD person’s dream organizing tip!

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