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“Scalped ceilings” and other MLS hair-raisers

Wait until you see the characters who showed up this week on the MLS…well, at least tangentially. It was a great week for laughs, and many were provided by Jane PetersJan Pastras, and Patrick Martin, all from right here in sunny L.A. Thanks to you all for helping me be virulent. Uh, I mean vigilant:

Neither ‘Hair” nor There

“Nice scalped ceilings” (Designed by Tonto Interiors)

“Larder than others in the area”  ( Roseanne Barr must be selling her house.)

“Fellow directions” (Since when do fellows ask for directions?)

‘I’ll work garder for you” (Thank you,  Blaze Starr.)

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“Horse property w/ room for stills” (Uncle Paddy, get off your bar stool – I found the house of your dreams!)

You Say Potato, I Say Kato

“Drop by for coattail hour” (Hosted by coattail experts Larry Fortensky, Kato Kaelin and Kevin Federline.)

“Needs work but not a teard” (Don’t cry for me Argentina.)

“Nice home. Show cokd.” (That’s fairly obvious, Ms. McSnorty.)

“”Manure foliage” (Sh_t for brains agent)

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“Gas ready” (Just like Uncle Paddy…)

Quaked and Half-Baked

“So sorry – no seismic ins” (This must be on the Not My Fault Line.)

“New fence gaye” (A fence with a lisp?)

“Famedia room” (Is this a room or an STD?)

“Master now don” (I’ll call him “The Donald,” but there’s no way I’ll call him “master”!

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My Fave’ Rave

“Sellr movng away –  not going to fix anyting, not repairs, not pest, not cracks, not nothimng.” (Buyer walking away – not going  to offer a dollar, not a dime, not a farthing…not nothimng, nit-wit!)

Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Ricardo Bueno | a.k.a. Ribeezie

    April 15, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    This was my favorite ==> “Sellr movng away – not going to fix anyting, not repairs, not pest, not cracks, not nothimng.” (Buyer walking away – not going to offer a dollar, not a dime, not a farthing…not nothimng, nit-wit!)

  2. Gwen Banta

    April 15, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    I loved that one, Ricardo. That's the kind of agent who uses a chain saw to trim a moustache – serious overkill!

  3. Gwen Banta

    April 15, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    @realestate babble and @redfinChicago – thanks for the mention!

  4. Paula Henry

    April 15, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    I was going to send you some this week, but these are much better! The last one was best, buyer walking, no deal!

  5. Gwen Banta

    April 15, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    I'm counting on some Indy bloopers next week, Paula. Have a great weekend!

  6. MH for Movoto

    April 18, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Wow, some of these are so far gone that i don't even know what they MEANT to say! Great post, as always.

  7. sfvrealestate

    April 19, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    These are great! I also just discovered Lovely Listings at My favorite there is the urinal next to the fireplace.

  8. Gwen Banta

    April 19, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    @sfvrealestate Thanks for the tip to a very funny site. Maybe the urinal next to the fireplace is for those who need warm buns 🙂

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