Connect with us

Opinion Editorials

I Sound Like an Idiot, Even When I Don’t Mean To…

Published

on

idiotjester


Has it happened to you?

I only recall one saying that my father ever said, and it tends to come up more often in my life, than not. “Son, don’t let your alligator mouth over-ride your mosquito butt…” I tend to realize that I’ve said something inappropriate after it’s already out there. I’ve recently received a phone call from someone that I’ve respected from afar for awhile and have never intended any nefarious word or thought. However, unintentionally I have offended them.

It’s not them, it’s you!

In my less mature days I would simply say this was the other person’s problem, but now I try to look at all sides. In this case it had to do with some things I had written. When 70% of communication is body language, it only makes sense that in this fast paced, often negative world of blogging, we tend to lose sight of the fact that our opinions may come across despicable and not of our intended purpose. We’re opinionated – all of us. It’s a difficult balance to write or comment in a reasonable length that isn’t overly burdensome to the reader, yet truly reflect your intent.

Plea for kindness…

I’ve written often about the need for civility in the blogosphere. Not always is it possible to write an article without picking a side. Even the mainstream media can’t seem to deliver news without telling you what to think. However, it was a good lesson for me to remember that when I write comments or posts, I need to be more cognizant of what the reader may be “hearing” and not necessarily what I was saying.

Can I be neutral?

Being neutral and still commenting on a post or writing one of my own is near to impossible. I think that most people do read blogs to garner information, but some also want to know what you think when you’re writing. I’ve tried to just deliver information, but the mere fact that I am writing about it means that it sparked some emotion or interest. Being direct maybe a better option. I find that the times I get misunderstood, is when I am trying to point out both sides of an issue. (not that the issue that spawned this post was a neutral statement, I was just being an idiot and didn’t see how others might understand my comments)

My point?

I don’t really have a main point here, other than to ask that those who read my stuff feel free to e-mail me and ask what the heck I meant if you feel offended. (phone call might be better) If I intended to offend you… I won’t hesitate to get a cheesy grin and tell you to get over it; but typically I didn’t intend to offend.

For the writers out there, make double sure, before you hit submit that your message is exactly what everyone else would understand it to be and that it’s consistent with other comments that you’ve made in the past.

We could all do a bit better at communicating with others a keeping our target audience in mind.

Matthew Rathbun is a Virginia Licensed Broker and Director of Professional Development for Coldwell Banker Elite, in Fredericksburg Virginia. He has opened and managed real estate firms, as well as coached and mentored agents and Brokers. As a Residential REALTOR®, Matthew was a high volume agent and past REALTOR® Rookie of the Year & Virginia Association Instructor of the Year. You can follow him on Twitter as "MattRathbun" and on Facebook. Matthew's blog is TheAgentTrainer.com.

Continue Reading
Advertisement
10 Comments

10 Comments

  1. monika

    March 30, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    I usually agonize before I hit submit….probably far more than I should.

  2. Missy Caulk

    March 30, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    Matthew, sometimes is is difficult when you can’t see the person and hear the tones. If I say something that might be taken wrong, I try to say LOL or explain.

  3. John Lauber

    March 30, 2008 at 3:17 pm

    So true Matt. It’s been that way with email too. You always need to re-read something, especially if it’s a “heat of the moment” or emotional type of response. There never was a great way to rescind an email. It’s true of comments and posts too.

  4. Matthew Rathbun

    March 30, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    Monika – I’m with you. I spend too much time reading, but I do so for grammar and content and not enough for effect.

    Missy – Yeah, I wasn’t really a big “smiley face” person at first, but I found that 🙂 can make it all better.

    John – yep, can’t rescind an e-mail…. occasionally I can modify a bad post. Never been able to recant a comment….

  5. Bill Lublin

    March 30, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    Matthew- as long as you are aware, you minimize the impact of a hasty post – and the smilies are a great cure – there is such a narrow psychological bandwidth to written communication like this and emails, that the greater sensitivty you show in your post is our best friend- And making sure we talk about what we “know” and not what we “think” when we make absolue statements – but I am sure that a 🙂 beats a :-p everytime!

  6. Matthew Rathbun

    March 30, 2008 at 6:54 pm

    @Bill – you’re quickly becoming my fav commentor. Always great to get your insight! Thanks for hanging out here!

  7. Judy Orr

    March 31, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    I’ve also noticed that it’s obvious that some people that read posts or e-mails simply don’t read them fully or correctly. Then they form a quick opinion on their erroneous interpretation of the post or e-mail and it’s obvious by their response. I see this a lot on blog post comments.

    I’ll read a reply and go back and re-read the post and think, “What was that guy reading?”

    I sent a guy (referred by a friend) an e-mail explaining nicely how I couldn’t find anything in his price range and though it was doubtful anything would come up I’ll keep searching (an automated search). He replied back that he was sorry he was wasting my time and maybe he should find someone else who would be more willing to help him. He was pissed! And I was very nice, even though there was nothing in his price range in the area he wanted and there wouldn’t be unless it was a tear-down. I had to explain this to my friend so she wouldn’t think I was being a jerk.

  8. Colorado Home Loan

    March 31, 2008 at 8:19 pm

    I wish people would learn the skill of not being easily offended. It’s a waste of energy to spend time being offended. I don’t think I’ve ever read a blog post that offended me. It’s just real estate stuff, after all.

  9. Lane Bailey

    April 3, 2008 at 10:35 pm

    As one that usually finds lines not to be crossed by looking behind me… I understand. It is tough in an online world to get across exactly what we mean, rather than the worst case scenario.

    Don’t beat yourself up too much.

  10. Sue

    April 18, 2008 at 7:35 pm

    Its hard to know how you will come across and accurately be represented. Many times people can take things the wrong way as they cannot see our facial or any other expressions or mannerisms. Thats probably why the “expression” symbols were implemented to help that along a little. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Opinion Editorials

You already blew your new year’s resolutions, but it’s not your fault

(EDITORIAL) Your new year’s resolutions are already making you feel like a failure. The whole process is flawed – let me tell you why it’s not your fault (yet).

Published

on

new year's resolutions - oops.

It’s estimated that only about 8.0 percent of people keep their new year’s resolutions. Most fail by the end of January, and here we are – almost at the end of the month. But it’s not your fault (yet) – let’s discuss.

Face it, you’re doomed before you ever get started. It doesn’t matter what your goal is, if you don’t approach it the right way, you’ll never reach it. If you really want to change your life in 2019, you’re going to have to get serious.

Here’s my innovative approach. Stop making resolutions.

Making new year’s resolutions sounds good in theory. But they’re really problematic. New year’s resolutions often don’t take into account what is realistic. Resolutions don’t let you adjust when life gets in the way. You’re setting yourself up for failure when you make resolutions. You may have good intentions, but you know you’ll fall back into your old habits.

What’s the solution?

A resolution is defined as “a firm decision to do or not to do something.” Changing your behavior isn’t that easy. Psychology Today offers eight different reasons why it’s so difficult to make long-term sustained change.

The all-or-nothing thinking of resolutions traps you into a no-win situation.

To really make change, you’re going to have to approach it differently. Resolutions tend to come from negative emotions. Real change comes from place of self-edification. Resolutions tend to be sweeping changes. You determine to completely change your lifestyle. Small habits are easier to implement. Over time, those small changes can become big changes.

Setting goals is good. Breaking down your goals into bite-sized pieces helps you reach those goals. Want to lose weight? Instead of jumping in and throwing out all the sugar in your cupboards, work with a dietician for a month to see where you can make changes to your meals that fit your lifestyle.

Failure is a given.

Know that you’re going to mess up. Failure is part of the process. It helps you learn where to put your attention and energy. Coming home late and eating a pizza instead of something healthier isn’t a reason to stop trying to lose weight. It just means that you need to think about the reasons that caused you to blow your diet. Was it lack a planning? Did you just need comfort food? Was it just convenient? Look back at why you indulged to meet the challenge next time.

Give yourself a break.

Change isn’t easy. Don’t keep kicking yourself when you don’t hit your goals. Consider what’s keeping you back. Maybe the goals aren’t a priority right now. Maybe you’re taking on too much. Maybe the timing isn’t right. Maybe you have other commitments that need your resources.

Make 2019 your best year by not setting resolutions, but by making small changes in your life.

Continue Reading

Opinion Editorials

Do women that downplay their gender get ahead faster?

(OPINION) A new study about gender in the workplace is being perceived differently than we are viewing it – let’s discuss.

Published

on

women downplay gender

The Harvard Business Review reports that women benefit professionally when they downplay their gender, as opposed to trying to focus on their “differences” as professional strength.

The article includes a lot of interesting concepts underneath its click-bait-y title. According to the study by Professors Ashley Martin and Katherine Phillips, women felt increasingly confident when they pivoted from focusing on highlighting potential differences in their perceived abilities based on their gender and instead gave their attention to cultivating qualities that are traditionally coded as male*.

Does this really mean that women need to “downplay” their gender? Does it really mean women who attempt this get ahead in this world faster?

I don’t think so.

The article seems to imply that “celebrating diversity” in workers is akin to giving femme-identified employees a hot pink briefcase – it actually calls attention to stereotyped behaviors. I would argue that this is not the case (and, for the record, rock a hot pink briefcase if you want to, that sounds pretty badass).

I believe that we should instead highlight the fact that this study shows the benefits that come when everyone expands preconceived notions of gender.

Dr. Martin and her interviewer touch on this when they discuss the difference between gender “awareness” and “blindness.” As Dr. Martin explains, “Gender blindness doesn’t mean that women should act more like men; it diminishes the idea that certain qualities are associated with men and women.”

It is the paradox of studies like this one that, in order to interrogate how noxious gendered beliefs are, researchers must create categories to place otherwise gender-neutral qualities and actions in, thus emphasizing the sort of stereotypes being investigated. Regardless, there is a silver lining here as said by Dr. Martin herself:

“[People] are not naturally better suited to different roles, and [people] aren’t better or worse at certain things.”

Regardless of a worker’s gender identity, they are capable of excelling at whatever their skills and talent help them to.

*Though the HBR article and study perpetuate a binary gender structure, for the purposes of our discussion in this article, I expand its “diversity” to include femme-identified individuals, nonbinary and trans workers, and anybody else that does not benefit from traditional notions of power that place cisgendered men at the top of the social totem pole.

Continue Reading

Opinion Editorials

Why I paused my career to raise our child

(OPINION) Our children are like tiny little sponges that absorb everything that we give them — your job and the sentiments it produces and evokes included.

Published

on

motherhood pause career

I never dreamed of being a stay-at-home-mom. Not in a million years did I think I’d find myself choosing to press pause on my career, but here I am, a mother for just nine months, doing just that.

HBR recently published an article about how our careers impact our children focusing on parental values and the emotional toll of our career involvement on our families. It got me thinking about my own childhood.

Growing up, my parents’ discussion of work was almost always negative. A job was something you had to do whether you liked it or not. As a child, I listened to my parents fight over money; I observed them in constant worry about the future. I watched them stress over unsatisfying jobs.

There was never any room for risk, no money to invest in a new career path, and no financial cushion to fall back on to give a new career time to grow.

Later, when choosing a path of my own, I would often wonder what my parents had wanted to be or who they could’ve been if they would’ve been able to choose careers they might’ve thrived in. All I ever knew is that my parents hated their jobs. While they’re on better financial footing now, the residue of their negativity persists in the career choices of their children.

While I was pregnant, I was working at an international tech startup in Silicon Valley. The company suffered from poor leadership; the week I was hired, my team quit and I was left to piece together a position for myself. The company continued to flounder, its culture unable to recover from interim toxic leadership.

I constantly worried about my son and the stress of a toxic culture on my pregnancy. Going into the office made me anxious. Leaving left me feeling stressed out and overwhelmed. Instead of imagining a bright, beautiful baby boy, I closed my eyes and saw a dark and anxious bundle of nerves. Of course, I blamed myself for everything.

Toward the end of my pregnancy, I promised my baby that when he arrived, I would do things differently. This would be the last time I accepted a job that I only felt lukewarm about. Never again would I participate in a culture that could diminish my talents and self-worth. I’d seen this kind of thing during my childhood and I’d be damned to repeat it.

During my career, I’ve watched coworkers hire full time live-in nannies, missing their baby’s developmental milestones and their children’s school events. I listened as one CMO talked about moving into his backyard yurt when the pains of parenthood became too much for him. He left his three preteen sons alone to fend for themselves in the mansion they shared in Silicon Valley.

We pride ourselves on the amount of work we put into our careers, but we rarely measure our success through the eyes of our children.

Children are mimics, they absorb everything we do, even during infancy. So, what are we offering them when we abandon them to make conference calls from yurts? What message are we sending them when our eyes are glued to texts, emails and push notifications? What are we teaching them when we come home stressed out, energy depleted and our values compromised?

We try “disrupting” anything these days so what about the working parent model? Would it be worth it?

My husband and I decided that it was and we’re doing things differently.

My husband works in the service industry. He doesn’t leave for work until late in the afternoon which means he spends all day with our son. At nine months old, my son has a strong emotional relationship with his father.

I carve out time during my days and nights to schedule writing work. I’ve recently returned to freelancing and I find that when I’m working with clients I believe in and doing work that I enjoy, we’re all much happier.

Everyone who’s ever had children says the first year goes by incredibly quickly. It’s true. My career will be there next year and for years after that. My son is only a baby once and I wouldn’t miss it for all the money in the world.

Continue Reading
Advertisement

Our Great Parnters

The
American Genius
news neatly in your inbox

Subscribe to our mailing list and get interesting stuff and updates to your email inbox.

Emerging Stories