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Opinion Editorials

“Picturass Setting” Sales pitch strike-outs, and MLS fouls

Do you remember the terrible moment in baseball  at Shea Stadium in 1986 when the Red Sox World Series win went between Bill Buckner’s legs?

It was Game 6, Red Sox vs. Mets, and the Sox were up three games to two, leading 5-3 with two outs in the bottom of the 10th.  Then, the Mets scored three singles. Mookie Wilson hit a grounder to Bill Buckner at first, and the ball went right through his legs , allowing the winning run. It was a sad, sad moment in baseball, friends. And there were some sad moments in the MLS again this week – wild pitches and blatant fouls that could rival Buckner’s famous gaff:

Let The Game Begin 

“Patio doors has built-in blonds” (So does the Sigma Chi house at UCLA.) 

“FP has gas and legs” (So does my Uncle Paddy, and he’s usually lit, too.) 

“Picturass setting” (Okay…I am picturing my a__ on a beach tossing down the margaritas.) 

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Who’s On First? 

“Slider stuck butt open” (Uh, maybe you should see a proctologist about that.) 

“Drawing 4 Tickets for Super Bowel” (This explains the “stuck butt open.”) 

“Garage with auto open. Remote is lost, door won’t open. Can open. Now closed.” (Can anyone say “schizophrenia”?) 

“Window w/ broads will be replaced” (This must be the Sigma Chi house again…) 

Bench That Dude! 

“Bar and Murphy bled in basement” (Ouch – did Murphy get drunk fall off a bar stool like Uncle Paddy?) 

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“Rose gardeng in back” (Rose must be a Rottweiler.) 

“New guts & rain-chains everywhere” (I believe that’s called lap-band surgery) 

“Open Canceled- jersy duty” (Yeah, everyone does time in Jersey sooner or later…) 

Three Strikes And You’re Out, Pal! 

“Tenants movement scheduled.” (There’s certainly something to be said for being regular…) 

“Safe, quiet street to love on” (I wish I had known about this place in high school…) 

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“Top-end Fridgidhare appliances” (Have the hares tried Viagra?) 

“Turn right, downhill from thare” (A bit like your career, huh?)

Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Gwen Banta

    February 25, 2011 at 2:06 pm


  2. Dave Kinkade

    February 26, 2011 at 12:53 am

    What fun it is to laugh at the literary misfortune of others. What were they thinking?! How difficult is it to read what you wrote before you hit the ‘Enter’ button?

  3. Gwen Banta

    February 26, 2011 at 1:56 am

    Dave, I agree, but before we assume that everyone can read – let alone spell – we need to conclude that the IQ points of the miscreants are above ground level. I’m not sure that premise is sound. In all fairness though, some are trying to deal with English as a second language – a task that is challenging indeed. But others just need sympathy because they were trying to upload their listing remarks while lying prone beneath a bar stool with olives stuck up the nostrils and a paper umbrella behind the ear. (I can attest that’s no easy feat.) And don’t even get me started on the Bong Brigade. Spelling was lost with the Lindbergh baby, but maybe we need to give awards for originality and color.

  4. Joe Loomer

    February 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    That last one had me thinking of Brad Pitt’s Pikey accent in “Snatch.” Thanks for the laughs, Gwen!

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  5. Gwen Banta

    February 28, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    LOL. I can hear Brad now, Joe – great performance! Funnier yet is when I imagine you doing an impersonation of Brad. I MUST start frequenting your KW Christmas parties! On a personal note, I will give your love to the Colts while I am here visiting Indy 🙂

  6. Heather L. Rankin

    June 19, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    Having now read these to several people, we all agree you missed your calling…. stand up comedy! The MLS stuff is funny, but your take on them is ten times better. Thanks for making my day! (wipes tears from eyes)

  7. Gwen Banta

    June 19, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    YOU made MY day, Heather. I'm glad to know my smarta__ mouth finally got me somewhere in life 🙂

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