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Strange Brew: Behold The MLS

Guinness posterFetch Me a Cold one

It’s been another week of marvelous MLS bloopers, friends. Sit back, prop up those tired feet, and have a few laughs. Some of these come straight from the Guinness Book of Bloopers. (That’s Guinness, as in the Irish ale. I think a few of these agents must chug that stuff.)

Order Me Another

“Beautiful Curved Spinal Staircase” – (That’s called scoliosis, bozo.)

“Three Stunning Decks, Two Walking Closets” (And a partridge in a pear tree.)

“Mother died – Sellers committed” (Pushing Daisies and Bag-o-Crazies)

“Buyers are Certifiable” (Margot Kidder and Anne Heche must be home shopping)

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“Bar w/ bankok seating” (Happy hour special: Mai Thais.)

“House on peers” (Cue the music and tell ‘em, Mick: “Don’t wanna be your beast of burden…”)

“New pipes and antiseptic system (We ream ‘em then clean ‘em)

“Small criminal activity” (I think they prefer the term “little people”)

Bottoms Up

“Peek-a-boop city view in main bath” (Referred to as a boop-n-poop.)

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“Remodelvated master” (Retarderated listing agent.)

“Plse be confederate of tenants” (…Or what – will they file a Civil War suit?)

“Own a piece of heathen” (I’d prefer a whole heathen, thanks – I need a date for New Year.)

“New sement pool” (Yup, we girls heard they’re real swimmers, gentlemen.)

“Double oven – a beggar’s delight” (What is it – sterno and a pie tin?)

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“Beautiful shallot on side of mountain” (Credit given to repair leeks)

The Place is Clearing Out

“Vacant – Go See After Seller Leaves” (Make offer after seller smacks agent)

“Vacant except for tenant.” (Agent brilliant – except for brain damage.)

“Dlvrd vcunt” (Oh Dear God, did you really write that???)

Last Call:

“Call for kockbox code” (I know the code – pick any number between one and a gazillion and it’s available to any woman on the planet. Now pour me another Guinness.

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Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. MIssy Caulk

    December 16, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    Gwen, believe it or not I just finished a book called God and Guiness.
    What a story of the history of the Guiness family and how they gave so much to charity and really help Ireland. They continue to do so.
    Ok, not the point of your post, but the title and photo got me, so had to stop and recommend the book.

  2. Gwen Banta

    December 17, 2009 at 1:02 am

    Thanks so much for recommending the book, Missy – and I wholeheartedly recommend the brew!

  3. Patrick Flynn

    December 18, 2009 at 10:14 am

    Thanks again Gwen…you make Fridays just a little better!

  4. egoldre

    December 18, 2009 at 11:29 am

    Too funny Gwen! I echo Patricks comment. You do make Fridays better!

  5. Gwen Banta

    December 18, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    Thank YOU, Patrick and Erin – and you just made MY Friday a lot better!

  6. Joe Loomer

    December 18, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    Sweet love of God – this is how one should always end the week! A pint of Guiness served up by Gwen! Delicious!

    I cannot believe the second-to-last one – I think I sharted when I read it – did I really type that?

    Navy Chief, Nvy prd

  7. Gwen Banta

    December 18, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    Yes – taht’s yours, Hoe. I am checking your MLS listings daily – that’s where I get my best material! I hope the job is going well. Happy, happy holidays!

  8. Gwen Banta

    December 18, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    Joe Loomer – I am now laughing at myself – HYSTERICALLY. My typing sucks to begin with, and I apparently typed “taht’s yours, Hoe.” OMG – I can’t stop laughing. I just called you a HOE!!! Perhaps it was Freudian, but at least we know how these MLS blunders occur – hitting “SUBMIT” faster than the tired old brain makes recognition of the blunders made by those foes called fingers. I am now the poster child of the blooper – but I sure am glad you were my victim!

  9. Joe Loomer

    December 18, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    If I have to be someone’s Hoe, I’m glad it’s yours, Hen, I mean Gwen, dangit! Now I’m doing it!

  10. Gwen Banta

    December 18, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    That’s “Gluhwein,” to you, Joe – as in “mulled” and alcohol.

  11. Gwen Banta

    April 24, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    Thanks for the repost, 🙂

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