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Offers you cannot-a refuse-uh [MLS Gaffes]



Here we go again, friends – more howls this week because agents can’t spell, or they have “ham fingers” at the keyboard, or they cannot proofread, or they type while inebriated, or they are pulling my chain. Take your pick as you check out some of these offers you can’t refuse, including a few from the Jersey Mob boys: 

This Week’s Tribute to Jersey

“Villa with hellichopper pad” (Designed by celebrity chopper, Tony Soprano.)

“Submit offera now” (Said Ralphie Cifaretto, shortly before he ended up in a bowling bag.)

“This wona break you.” (Said Paulie “Walnuts” to Richie Aprile…while shoving his body through a meat grinder at Satriales’ Pork Store)

“Vacant clots” (Richie Aprile at his own funeral.)

“Four remolded rowhouses near Little Italy” (Four adjoining meat lockers at Satriale’s.)

“Next to this, others will pole” (Saturday night at the Bada Bing.)

“Contiguous plots with ocean view” (Cement-Shoes Cemetery…somewhere off the Jersey Coast)

Who Can Refuse?

“New jim” (I suspect he used to be “old Nancy.”)

“Big play aria” (I think that’s called an opera, pal.)

“This is a real jowel.” (Jaw-dropping, I’ll bet!)

“A diamond in disgust”  (Talk about stoned!)

“Ranch with livestuck” (House with Brand Moo built-ins…)

Below the Belt

“Seller financing terds offered” (No s__t?)

“Front entry with pornico” (Must be 21 to enter.)

“Three  lush lost near beach” (One lush found belly up near keyboard.)

“Ho ceil’gs in lvg rm” (Must be a short term “rental”…)

“Easy assess” (I’ll tell you who the a__ is!)

And Business As Usual…

“Submit business card for free grift” (Cue the music, please: “Money makes the world go ’round, the world go ’round, the world go ’round”)

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.

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  1. Rob McCance

    September 30, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    You found some good ones this time!

    “A diamond in disgust”

    I’m thinking about working this one into the regularily used arsenal.

    • Kelsey/AG

      October 1, 2010 at 6:47 pm


      “A diamond in disgust” (Talk about stoned!) – This one was my favorite one this week too! Sooo funny!


      You get me every week with these! They really are hilarious. Nice job finding them, and even nicer job with your follow up comments!

  2. gwen banta

    September 30, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Rob, that blooper has it’s own kind of truth, doesn’t it? It’s an even better description of a fixer than “diamond in disguise”!

  3. Sheila Rasak

    September 30, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    Gwen! You make me howl with laughter each time you post these! (But seriously, stop looking at my listings and calling attention to my blunders, my client base is dropping by the minute.)

    Love the laughter and wisdom Agent Genius brings to the real estate industry each day!

  4. gwen banta

    September 30, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Sheila, I bet I’d never find one of these bloopers in one of your listings…but I’m not sure about my own. I type with ham fingers!

  5. Joe Loomer

    September 30, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    bwaaahahahahha – thank you Gwen!

    You, you, and you, da two of youse, outta here!

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  6. gwen banta

    September 30, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Thanks, Joe “Da Enforcer” Loomer. Here’s one for you from Tony Soprano. I use it when my rich friend complains about the cost of his Bentley, but I am sure it could be of use in real estate.:: “Oh, poor baby. What do you want, a Whitman’s Sampler?”

  7. Alex Cortez

    October 1, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    LOL, helichopper??? LOL… Funny.

  8. gwen banta

    October 1, 2010 at 11:31 pm

    Alex, that one sounded like something out of the “Texas Chain Saw Massacre,” didn’t it? Creepy!

  9. Paula Henry

    October 2, 2010 at 8:32 am

    Gwen – only in the crazy world of real estate and MLS listings would we find such comedy.

  10. Aaron Catt

    October 2, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    All of these aren’t to be confused with the more misguided remarks that you sometimes find, like: Located in a quite cul de sac. Come to find out after a preview, yes, it is a cul de sac, but the home backs up to a large thoroughfare.

    These are funny thanks for the list!

  11. gwen banta

    October 3, 2010 at 12:48 am

    I couldn’t agree more, Paula. I’ll be back in your beautiful state in late October, just in time to enjoy the famous Indiana leaf changing, which I am so looking forward to. Hurray for the Hoosier State!

  12. gwen banta

    October 4, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Aaron, I went to an open recently that was advertised as “backs up to a park.” When I arrived, all I could see behind the house was a vast cement area. It turns out the agent was British, and he was referring to a “car park,” but he forgot to add the word “car”!

  13. Fred Franks

    November 8, 2015 at 9:11 am

    To funny, I got a kick out of reading this!!

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Business Marketing

“House has spark” – burning up the MLS with typos and other bloopers



The year is starting a march toward its natural ending, friends…and it seems a few real estate careers may be also. This week I found some real head-scratchers in local real estate ads and the MLS.  However, I get submissions from all over the U.S., so no one is safe from the eyes of  the Blooper Scooper. Check out these blunders:

Do You Smell Smoke?

“House has spark” (Apparently your real estate career isn’t the only thing going up in smoke.)

“Big pep area in kitchen” (Is that the cookie jar where Mommy Dearest stashes her uppers?) 

“Dull Viking ovens” (Methinks there’s something in the cookie jar that will perk up those dull Vikings.)

“Large greenhose in back” (Large, naked Jolly Green Giant in yard.)

“Mush added to this house” (Was that the overflow from between your ears?)

I Think I See Flames

“Beautifully remolded guest” (Another cosmetically-altered Barbie hits the Hollywood party circuit.)

“Enjoy a drink poolslide” ( Hell, if the pool is sliding, I’ll need a whole pint of Jack.)

“Each bedroom has own bedrooom” (Hello-o-o, Alice, how are things down there in the rabbit hole?)

“Separate pod to build GH” (That should please my pea-sized buyers.)

“Play room for the kiss” (Something tells me this is the back seat of a ’67 Chevy.)

Still Smoldering…

“Ideal for gusts” (That’s great…if you want to live in a wind sock.)

“Impaccably detailed” (Incredibly challenged)

“Stylish pewder room” (Try burning a match.)

“Stone pillars flake driveway” (Flakey agent got stoned in driveway.)

Nothing But Embers (This Week’s Fave):

“From a bygone error” (You have just written your own epitaph.)



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Business Marketing

“New bd pans inc” – Making a Splash on the MLS



I have two things to say this week: 1. When you drink, you can’t think. 2. When you drink you can’t- … uh, what was I saying? Oh, yes – the MLS.  It was so full of bloopers this week that I am led to conclude that happy hour started Monday and never stopped. Read these and tell me if it is any wonder I was driven to throw back a few martinis myself:

Booze ‘N’ Fools

“Free membership to gin inc” (It seems someone else beat us to it, Martini Mary.)

“Grab now use imagination” (That’s what Arnold said to his housekeeper.)

“House has new edition” (Agent lacks erudition.)

“Babblying broke runs in back” (Bumbling buffoon runs amuck.)

“Drop by for cocktail ho” (Oh, is the Sunset Strip for sale?)

Puff ‘N’ Stuff

“Near Sacramento airpot” (I believe his name is Jerry Brown.)

“Claw me for selling” (I’m too busy clawing my eyes out over your spelling.)

“Reduction on mid-century ner Holywod” (Another mid-sixties porn star is looking for work.)

“We can sake your home” (Can I get fried rice with my sake?)

Proof or Goof

“Nice streem” (Said Grandma to Grandpa after his diaper  exploded.)

“Nice for dog kids” (Uh, they’re called ‘puppies,” pal.)

“New bd pans included” (Thank you, Nurse Nancy – can you warm those first?)

“Good stable in neighborhood.” (Have you contacted Mary and Joseph?)

“Drawing for plasma” (Is this a blood-bank?)

And This Week’s Winner Is:

“Good school in areola” (Thanks for keeping me abreast of things.)


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My secret office organization tip – Sharpies and tape

If you’re still practicing to be OCD, here is a secret I don’t typically share with anyone, but I’m willing to share with you today…



Keeping organized

I used to be obsessed with the P-touch machine. I labeled everything. Drawers, shelves, folders, canisters, and anything that I could think of putting a label on.

But the label makers weren’t as pretty as my own handwriting and didn’t come in every color a Sharpie does, so I got the brilliant idea one day to write in light blue sharpie in my beautiful handwriting on clear tape, placed neatly on the shelves in the pantry. Visitors thought I had written on the cabinets, “what if you have to move things?” they asked. “It’s just tape, look!” I said as if I was performing a complicated magic trick.

Not just shelves!

It’s great to use this tip on files and folders so you can reuse them (especially if you have custom files or designer files), on drawers at the bottom of each section where pens and tape goes, and especially in the break room.

No more label maker, no more refill cartridges and no more mess, especially someone else’s mess! Trust me, this is an OCD person’s dream organizing tip!

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