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Pitches with hitches to keep you in stitches

Ahhh, summer daze… It has been a wild week on the MLS, friends. The hot summer days must be causing heat stroke in Hollywood. Some of these head-scratchers HAD to be the result of too much sun…or too much Jagermeister. Tell me what you think:

House Sales in Holly-weird

“Celebrady home” (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!)

“Entertainment comes with house” (Is Uncle Elmer doing standup in the basement?)

“Living room with stripper pole” (O Dear Gawd  – tell me it’s not Uncle Elmer’s!)

“Former home of B actor” (I’m so thrilled I may toss my bra and rush the stage.)

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“Malibu compound w/ halopad”  (Ain’t no halos in the ‘Bu, pal – just diamond tiaras.)

Gastro – oddical Sales Pitches

“House close to putring range” (Methinks this is a house that needs Beeno.)

“New straining wall” (No doubt it’s near the putring range)

“Experienced for fast movement” (An agent with “empty” promises…)

“Even your pussiest buyers will love this” (Yeah – they’ll ooze enthusiasm.)

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Who Could Say No To This?

“No low-blow offers” (Offered by School-of-Hard-Knocks Real Estate, Inc.)

“Open house slitter needed”  (Dial  N-E-W-J-E-R-S-E-Y and ask for Uncle Vito)

“S. of Ventura Bullevard” (That’s just off Meadow Muffin Drive…)

“Seller will include enternment with purchase” (Sounds like a house to die for.)

“Liable Estimates on Closing Costs” (Do you also offer tubal litigation?)

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“House with new goof” (Probably an accurate self-analysis…)

“Great vu kitch master new bidet (That’s the LAST thing I want to vu at breakfast, pal!)

There’s “Room” for One More…

“New state of the art exorcize room”  (Hmm…imagine the equipment: stakes, strangers in black robes, machines to untwist your twisted pea-soup spewing skull… And think of the buyer pool: Mel, Charlie, Lindsay, Joaquin, Andy Dick,  Ahmadinejad, Eric from South Park, Jack from Jack in the Box, that guy who invented the knife block shaped like a human head…

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Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Joe Loomer

    July 16, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Always amazing, Gwen! Thank you for getting my weekend going with a laugh! I’m thinking Marilyn Manson and Alice Cooper lived in the exorcize room home!

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  2. Pam Pugmire

    July 16, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Who knew that a stripper pole in the living room was a selling point? : )
    I can tell that selling RE in Hollyweird is slightly different that here in Idaho!
    Thanks for the laughs!

  3. Pam Pugmire

    July 16, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Who knew that a stripper pole in the living room was a selling point? : )
    I can tell that selling RE in Hollyweird is slightly different than here in Idaho!
    Thanks for the laughs!

  4. Clint Miller

    July 16, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    What….I have a stripper pole in my living room….whats wrong with that?

  5. Lani Rosales

    July 16, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    Gwen, hilarious as usual!

  6. Gwen Banta

    July 16, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    Clint, can you please post some photos of you and that pole? 🙂

  7. Alan Kent

    July 17, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Funny! I love your hardlines fur yer abs…

  8. Gwen Banta

    July 17, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    How did you know I have abs? 🙂

  9. Liz Benitez

    July 17, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    These are great Gwen, I even posted a link to your site on my FB page to share with all my non Realtor friends. Luv em keep em comin

  10. Gwen Banta

    July 18, 2010 at 3:11 am

    Thank you, Liz – that is the supreme compliment!

  11. Ken Montville

    July 18, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    My pussiest buyer might wanna offer a low-blow offer after she’s done with the stripper pole. (I couldn’t resist).

    And to think the super rich (excluding the B actors, of course) actually hire people like this to sell their homes. I live in the wrong neighborhood.

  12. Gwen Banta

    July 19, 2010 at 12:38 am

    Ken, how do you know the stripper pole wasn’t for a guy? This is Hollywood, you know!

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