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Pitches with hitches to keep you in stitches



Ahhh, summer daze… It has been a wild week on the MLS, friends. The hot summer days must be causing heat stroke in Hollywood. Some of these head-scratchers HAD to be the result of too much sun…or too much Jagermeister. Tell me what you think:

House Sales in Holly-weird

“Celebrady home” (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!)

“Entertainment comes with house” (Is Uncle Elmer doing standup in the basement?)

“Living room with stripper pole” (O Dear Gawd  – tell me it’s not Uncle Elmer’s!)

“Former home of B actor” (I’m so thrilled I may toss my bra and rush the stage.)

“Malibu compound w/ halopad”  (Ain’t no halos in the ‘Bu, pal – just diamond tiaras.)

Gastro – oddical Sales Pitches

“House close to putring range” (Methinks this is a house that needs Beeno.)

“New straining wall” (No doubt it’s near the putring range)

“Experienced for fast movement” (An agent with “empty” promises…)

“Even your pussiest buyers will love this” (Yeah – they’ll ooze enthusiasm.)

Who Could Say No To This?

“No low-blow offers” (Offered by School-of-Hard-Knocks Real Estate, Inc.)

“Open house slitter needed”  (Dial  N-E-W-J-E-R-S-E-Y and ask for Uncle Vito)

“S. of Ventura Bullevard” (That’s just off Meadow Muffin Drive…)

“Seller will include enternment with purchase” (Sounds like a house to die for.)

“Liable Estimates on Closing Costs” (Do you also offer tubal litigation?)

“House with new goof” (Probably an accurate self-analysis…)

“Great vu kitch master new bidet (That’s the LAST thing I want to vu at breakfast, pal!)

There’s “Room” for One More…

“New state of the art exorcize room”  (Hmm…imagine the equipment: stakes, strangers in black robes, machines to untwist your twisted pea-soup spewing skull… And think of the buyer pool: Mel, Charlie, Lindsay, Joaquin, Andy Dick,  Ahmadinejad, Eric from South Park, Jack from Jack in the Box, that guy who invented the knife block shaped like a human head…

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.

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  1. Joe Loomer

    July 16, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Always amazing, Gwen! Thank you for getting my weekend going with a laugh! I’m thinking Marilyn Manson and Alice Cooper lived in the exorcize room home!

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  2. Pam Pugmire

    July 16, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Who knew that a stripper pole in the living room was a selling point? : )
    I can tell that selling RE in Hollyweird is slightly different that here in Idaho!
    Thanks for the laughs!

  3. Pam Pugmire

    July 16, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Who knew that a stripper pole in the living room was a selling point? : )
    I can tell that selling RE in Hollyweird is slightly different than here in Idaho!
    Thanks for the laughs!

  4. Clint Miller

    July 16, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    What….I have a stripper pole in my living room….whats wrong with that?

  5. Lani Rosales

    July 16, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    Gwen, hilarious as usual!

  6. Gwen Banta

    July 16, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    Clint, can you please post some photos of you and that pole? 🙂

  7. Alan Kent

    July 17, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Funny! I love your hardlines fur yer abs…

  8. Gwen Banta

    July 17, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    How did you know I have abs? 🙂

  9. Liz Benitez

    July 17, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    These are great Gwen, I even posted a link to your site on my FB page to share with all my non Realtor friends. Luv em keep em comin

  10. Gwen Banta

    July 18, 2010 at 3:11 am

    Thank you, Liz – that is the supreme compliment!

  11. Ken Montville

    July 18, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    My pussiest buyer might wanna offer a low-blow offer after she’s done with the stripper pole. (I couldn’t resist).

    And to think the super rich (excluding the B actors, of course) actually hire people like this to sell their homes. I live in the wrong neighborhood.

  12. Gwen Banta

    July 19, 2010 at 12:38 am

    Ken, how do you know the stripper pole wasn’t for a guy? This is Hollywood, you know!

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Business Marketing

“House has spark” – burning up the MLS with typos and other bloopers



The year is starting a march toward its natural ending, friends…and it seems a few real estate careers may be also. This week I found some real head-scratchers in local real estate ads and the MLS.  However, I get submissions from all over the U.S., so no one is safe from the eyes of  the Blooper Scooper. Check out these blunders:

Do You Smell Smoke?

“House has spark” (Apparently your real estate career isn’t the only thing going up in smoke.)

“Big pep area in kitchen” (Is that the cookie jar where Mommy Dearest stashes her uppers?) 

“Dull Viking ovens” (Methinks there’s something in the cookie jar that will perk up those dull Vikings.)

“Large greenhose in back” (Large, naked Jolly Green Giant in yard.)

“Mush added to this house” (Was that the overflow from between your ears?)

I Think I See Flames

“Beautifully remolded guest” (Another cosmetically-altered Barbie hits the Hollywood party circuit.)

“Enjoy a drink poolslide” ( Hell, if the pool is sliding, I’ll need a whole pint of Jack.)

“Each bedroom has own bedrooom” (Hello-o-o, Alice, how are things down there in the rabbit hole?)

“Separate pod to build GH” (That should please my pea-sized buyers.)

“Play room for the kiss” (Something tells me this is the back seat of a ’67 Chevy.)

Still Smoldering…

“Ideal for gusts” (That’s great…if you want to live in a wind sock.)

“Impaccably detailed” (Incredibly challenged)

“Stylish pewder room” (Try burning a match.)

“Stone pillars flake driveway” (Flakey agent got stoned in driveway.)

Nothing But Embers (This Week’s Fave):

“From a bygone error” (You have just written your own epitaph.)



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Business Marketing

“New bd pans inc” – Making a Splash on the MLS



I have two things to say this week: 1. When you drink, you can’t think. 2. When you drink you can’t- … uh, what was I saying? Oh, yes – the MLS.  It was so full of bloopers this week that I am led to conclude that happy hour started Monday and never stopped. Read these and tell me if it is any wonder I was driven to throw back a few martinis myself:

Booze ‘N’ Fools

“Free membership to gin inc” (It seems someone else beat us to it, Martini Mary.)

“Grab now use imagination” (That’s what Arnold said to his housekeeper.)

“House has new edition” (Agent lacks erudition.)

“Babblying broke runs in back” (Bumbling buffoon runs amuck.)

“Drop by for cocktail ho” (Oh, is the Sunset Strip for sale?)

Puff ‘N’ Stuff

“Near Sacramento airpot” (I believe his name is Jerry Brown.)

“Claw me for selling” (I’m too busy clawing my eyes out over your spelling.)

“Reduction on mid-century ner Holywod” (Another mid-sixties porn star is looking for work.)

“We can sake your home” (Can I get fried rice with my sake?)

Proof or Goof

“Nice streem” (Said Grandma to Grandpa after his diaper  exploded.)

“Nice for dog kids” (Uh, they’re called ‘puppies,” pal.)

“New bd pans included” (Thank you, Nurse Nancy – can you warm those first?)

“Good stable in neighborhood.” (Have you contacted Mary and Joseph?)

“Drawing for plasma” (Is this a blood-bank?)

And This Week’s Winner Is:

“Good school in areola” (Thanks for keeping me abreast of things.)


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My secret office organization tip – Sharpies and tape

If you’re still practicing to be OCD, here is a secret I don’t typically share with anyone, but I’m willing to share with you today…



Keeping organized

I used to be obsessed with the P-touch machine. I labeled everything. Drawers, shelves, folders, canisters, and anything that I could think of putting a label on.

But the label makers weren’t as pretty as my own handwriting and didn’t come in every color a Sharpie does, so I got the brilliant idea one day to write in light blue sharpie in my beautiful handwriting on clear tape, placed neatly on the shelves in the pantry. Visitors thought I had written on the cabinets, “what if you have to move things?” they asked. “It’s just tape, look!” I said as if I was performing a complicated magic trick.

Not just shelves!

It’s great to use this tip on files and folders so you can reuse them (especially if you have custom files or designer files), on drawers at the bottom of each section where pens and tape goes, and especially in the break room.

No more label maker, no more refill cartridges and no more mess, especially someone else’s mess! Trust me, this is an OCD person’s dream organizing tip!

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