Pardon My Chokehold…

Laughter is the best assurance of good health I know. Last week I blogged about the outrageous comments often heard in real estate. Well, one of my loyal readers, Joe Loomer, a humorist and great AG contributor, had a delightful idea: Comments Overheard by Agents Regarding Their Clients. I decided to take Joe up on his suggestion, so I asked my friends and colleagues to share some of their experiences. By the end of two days, I had enough hilarious comments to make my sides hurt. Here are a few remarks my fellow agents claim to have overheard (no one will admit to saying them, of course):

Five People, One Brain

“I told her this was Exclusive Agency, and she said she was already under contract to Creative Artists.”  (So that’s why you submitted a head shot with the offer!)

“The place looks like Oz – the seller let his estranged wife do the decorating.” (So who did he hire as his divorce attorney – Gloria Allred?)

“My buyer needs to buy a place for himself and his girlfriend.  He doesn’t want his wife to know.” (Does he need a good decorator?)

“The seller told me he and his wife had sex on the new granite counter top.” (Great – I’m sure my buyers will find ass prints very appetizing.)

“My client said he spies on the naked chicks in the pool next door.” (That won’t justify his absurd price to my gay male clients, you drooling old fool.)

One Brain, Five IQ Points

“My seller is afraid that the Wonderland murder house, which is two doors down, will discourage your buyers.” (Nah – this is L.A. – they’ll lie down in front of the house and take photos for Mom.)

“My buyer loves the Carole Lombard Estate…he wants to know if she was related to Vince Lombardi?” ( Yes, and Shaq and Ryan are brothers, dufus.)

“The seller said he’s throwing in his wife’s Porche as a bonus.” (…No doubt she’ll be throwing in a Lorena Bobbit bonus .)

“My seller thinks your buyer is trying to screw her.” (Does she have granite countertops?)

“The seller said his mother-in-law had a heart attack and died in the outdoor Jacuzzi.”  (Remember these words:  Drag and Roll, Drag and Roll, Drag and Roll.)

“The seller plans to exhume his pets from the back yard before escrow closes.” (Can he take the mother-in law also, or will she remain in the Jacuzzi?)

Five Brains Scrambled, With a Side of Toast

“My buyer wants to offer half the list price.” (That works out well, because my seller only wants to sell half a house.)

“My seller wants a full price offer – three day inspection, no contingencies.” (I want George Clooney –  endless inspection and no contingencies. We’ve got the same odds, pal…)

“My client is a ‘dirtball’.”  ( Is he related to Lucille Ball?)

“My client said he was ‘loaded’ when he signed the contingency waivers, and now he wants to cancel.”  (My seller will be loaded once he cashes Speedo’s deposit check.)

“The seller told me the mounds in the yard are from gophers.” (Hmmm…tell me again, where is the mother-in-law?)

If You Have Learned Anything…

“The buyer is canceling. She decided she can’t afford the payments on a six million dollar house. I’m going to strangle the b_tch.” (Drag and Roll, Drag and Roll, Drag and Roll…)

Thanks to my friends at Sotheby’s International Realty, Coldwell Banker, Keller Williams and Prudential for all the great stories.