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Pardon My Chokehold…

best strangle

Laughter is the best assurance of good health I know. Last week I blogged about the outrageous comments often heard in real estate. Well, one of my loyal readers, Joe Loomer, a humorist and great AG contributor, had a delightful idea: Comments Overheard by Agents Regarding Their Clients. I decided to take Joe up on his suggestion, so I asked my friends and colleagues to share some of their experiences. By the end of two days, I had enough hilarious comments to make my sides hurt. Here are a few remarks my fellow agents claim to have overheard (no one will admit to saying them, of course):

Five People, One Brain

“I told her this was Exclusive Agency, and she said she was already under contract to Creative Artists.”  (So that’s why you submitted a head shot with the offer!)

“The place looks like Oz – the seller let his estranged wife do the decorating.” (So who did he hire as his divorce attorney – Gloria Allred?)

“My buyer needs to buy a place for himself and his girlfriend.  He doesn’t want his wife to know.” (Does he need a good decorator?)

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“The seller told me he and his wife had sex on the new granite counter top.” (Great – I’m sure my buyers will find ass prints very appetizing.)

“My client said he spies on the naked chicks in the pool next door.” (That won’t justify his absurd price to my gay male clients, you drooling old fool.)

One Brain, Five IQ Points

“My seller is afraid that the Wonderland murder house, which is two doors down, will discourage your buyers.” (Nah – this is L.A. – they’ll lie down in front of the house and take photos for Mom.)

“My buyer loves the Carole Lombard Estate…he wants to know if she was related to Vince Lombardi?” ( Yes, and Shaq and Ryan are brothers, dufus.)

“The seller said he’s throwing in his wife’s Porche as a bonus.” (…No doubt she’ll be throwing in a Lorena Bobbit bonus .)

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“My seller thinks your buyer is trying to screw her.” (Does she have granite countertops?)

“The seller said his mother-in-law had a heart attack and died in the outdoor Jacuzzi.”  (Remember these words:  Drag and Roll, Drag and Roll, Drag and Roll.)

“The seller plans to exhume his pets from the back yard before escrow closes.” (Can he take the mother-in law also, or will she remain in the Jacuzzi?)

Five Brains Scrambled, With a Side of Toast

“My buyer wants to offer half the list price.” (That works out well, because my seller only wants to sell half a house.)

“My seller wants a full price offer – three day inspection, no contingencies.” (I want George Clooney –  endless inspection and no contingencies. We’ve got the same odds, pal…)

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“My client is a ‘dirtball’.”  ( Is he related to Lucille Ball?)

“My client said he was ‘loaded’ when he signed the contingency waivers, and now he wants to cancel.”  (My seller will be loaded once he cashes Speedo’s deposit check.)

“The seller told me the mounds in the yard are from gophers.” (Hmmm…tell me again, where is the mother-in-law?)

If You Have Learned Anything…

“The buyer is canceling. She decided she can’t afford the payments on a six million dollar house. I’m going to strangle the b_tch.” (Drag and Roll, Drag and Roll, Drag and Roll…)

Thanks to my friends at Sotheby’s International Realty, Coldwell Banker, Keller Williams and Prudential for all the great stories.

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Written By

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn,, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.



  1. Joe Loomer

    July 17, 2009 at 9:31 am

    You didn’t get me this time, Gwen. I removed all possible forms of self-injury or electrocution from the vicinity of the computer once I saw Lani’s link on FB.

    I did – however – not see my Min-Pin sitting in the chair when I came to read this. So thanks to you, I now have a dog bite on my a** cheeks.


    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  2. Gwen Banta

    July 17, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    You can cool those cheeks on a granite counter, Joe – I heard it’s very effective!

  3. Barb & Sal Dragotta

    July 17, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    This is laugh out loud funny. Really need all the humor we can find these days..oh, did you know that a pundit [?] on the local radio news here in Michigan stated that we were experiencing a ‘bounce’ in home sales here. He neglected to mention that this conclusion was based on the fact that the numbers were NOT as low as expected, predicted, promoted–whatever. By the way, we have no, nada, zilch, zip, & zero avator to post–waiting gravatar. [ they don’t like us very well] lol

  4. Lessley Dooley

    July 18, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    Although you guys have a few more objections than we do here in the manufactured & modular world-closing cost, Realtors, or over the top expectations. We here in the doublewide & singlewide world have our own issues! “I want a trailer, that don’t look like a trailer” or “What exactly is the difference between a doublewide & a singlewide?” & “Do you guys work with HUD Housing?” How about “Does this here come with a window unit & how many?” My all time favorite is when a young Hispanic family comes in, puts in an application & leaves, then I pull credit & find out the the original owner of the SS# died in 1974!! OR they have a SS# & a TIN# & bring both in then ask “Witch one do you need?”

  5. Kim Curran

    July 19, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Another great read Gwen. Thanks!

  6. Gwen Banta

    July 19, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    Hey Barb and Sal – Thanks for the comment. It seems like your local news pundits are better than ours – ours predict so much endless doom and gloom that everyone hides in their homes, buries their money, and stops paying the mortgage until the prediction becomes reality. We can’t take any more portents of doom. Soon we will all be rolling marbles around in our hands, mumbling like Ozzy Osbourne, spewing like Al Sharpton, and then stumbling around like we’re all at a Grateful dead concert. Oh wait – that’s happening right now on Hollywood Blvd!

  7. Gwen Banta

    July 19, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    Thanks, Kim – take the laughs and pay it forward – I’ve read your posts before, and you’ve got a great sense of humor.

  8. Gwen Banta

    July 19, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    That’s hysterical, Lessley. You need to write about your tales in the trenches – it sounds as though you have as much material as I do here in L.A. I can honestly say that the only “double wide” ever mentioned out here is when some poor starlet eats a Snickers and drives her weight up to 90 pounds. That’s headlines in Hollyweird.

  9. Matt Stigliano

    July 20, 2009 at 9:32 am

    Gwen – What can I say? As always, I love it. I wish I had pursued my license when I was living out there. Talk about never having a boring day.

  10. Gwen Banta

    July 20, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Come back, Matt – we need you here! You can be my partner and we will laugh our way through the City of (Fallen) Angels. How is everything in San Antonio? I loved your post today – I was so there with you in your description of the daily juggle. Believe me – it’s the same here – the challenges and grind are the same, but the characters are a bit more over the top.

    Joe Bloomer and I were chatting on my Facebook page about my need to escape to Greece. Sometimes the craziness out here makes me babble. He said he could give me the tour, as he knows Greece well. I told him I would suggest inviting you and Lani and Benn, but I didn’t want to spend the night in a Greek Jail – a good probability with the Wild Bunch. But without the laughter, what would we (and every hard working agent out there) be but a bunch of drooling fools? Oh wait, too late -Excuse me while I grab a napkin…

  11. Chris Griffith

    July 21, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    OMG. lol

  12. Gwen Banta

    July 21, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    Thanks, Chris – I’m glad to have made you smile!

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